SURF AND TURF...AND SURF AND SURF

Hallelujah! I finally heard this public address announcement in my mind, "Telephone call for Dr. Atkins, Dr. Robert Atkins telephone." This message from the Obesity Unit of my internal defense mechanism is telling me loud and clear...its time to go on a diet. DR. ATKINS, (1930-2003), DEVELOPED THE POPULAR BUT CONTROVERSIAL DIETING METHOD WHICH VIRTUALLY ELIMINATES THE INTAKE OF CARBOHYDRATES WHILE EMPHASIZING PROTEIN AND FATS, ALONG WITH SOME LEAFY VEGETABLES AND DIETARY SUPPLEMENTS.

I have been on the weight-loss roller-coaster my entire adult life. 222 pounds seems to be my norm but in the past I have ballooned to 231 and once melted down to 204. My diet of choice is the Atkins Diet. Mainly because I can "pig-out" on my carnivorous favorites and see quick results. Plus, I'm not the calorie counting type, I don't like being lectured and measuring my meals will never happen.

Back on May 2009, I last heard Dr. Atkins beckon me. That weight purging mission went unusually well. Over the course of six months, I lost 25 pounds and kept it off. Around Halloween, I experienced the highlight of that diet's success...my belt was too big. That euphoria took me and the belt across the street to LACC's house. He drilled me a new, skinnier hole. Spurred by a feeling of weight loss invincibility, I tightened my belt as never before. I even projected doing my own drilling on the next, even skinnier hole.
REMEMBER IN MY SLIMMER DAYS, "EVERYONE" SAID I LOOKED LIKE EMINEM...SAME TATTOOS AND EVERYTHING.

Well that next belt drilling time never came. Somewhere in the middle of November, I put the whammy on myself. I went against every superstitious bone in my body by replacing my size-million clown pants and buying much smaller ones for work.

When you think you have it, "all together," while dieting, the first mistake is making a slob of yourself on a special occasion. Mine was Thanksgiving. Brimming with false confidence, I over did it because I knew, I would never get fat again. Alas, I was full of myself and did NOT get right back on the wagon.ITS EASY TO OVER-INDULGE ON TURKEY DAY BUT I'M ALSO KNOWN TO PUT THE OL' FEED-BAG ON DURING FLAG DAY, ARBOR DAY AND APRIL FOOLS.

While I kept delaying the resumption of my good eating habits, the scale started tipping the wrong way. Then some personal setbacks derailed my focus. Trust me its not an old wives tale when they say; people take comfort in food. I was back in my belt's original last hole in no time. Then at this most inopportune time, the eating free-for-all known as Christmas came along.

I drew a line in the sand and resolved to take better care of myself after the new year. That didn't happen! My weight became a non-factor as other difficulties detoured my path.

In the late spring when the weather warms up and fat guys like me make their own gravy...the obstacles along my emotional path were finally clear. Unfortunately, by that time my sponge-like stomach had re-absorbed nearly every ounce that I had killed myself to lose. On June 24th, I was a few pounds away from my all-time high when Carnival Cruise Lines lured me to the Caribbean.

A Caribbean cruise exposes two major factors that effect a man like me. Its a week long, 24-hour eating marathon AND you spend a lot of time without a shirt on.

SOMEWHERE IN THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE, ANDREW (LEFT) NOTED THAT MY BEER BELLY WASN'T EXACTLY FLATTERING. HE TOOK LITTLE SOLACE WHEN I REMINDED HIM, "I DON'T DRINK AND THAT BEER BELLY, IS ALL FOOD !"

Like all cruise ships, ours, the Carnival Miracle offers round-the-clock buffets. Like the cadence of crashing waves, anything you could imagine for each meal...plus snacks after hours, are continuously rolled in.

I JOKINGLY TOLD ONE OF THE SHIP'S WAITERS, "I'LL HAVE THE LOT." I REALIZED THEN THAT MR. CREOSOTE HAD SWALLOWED THE EMINEM IN ME.

We thought it was criminal, the way our fellow passengers wantonly wasted enormous volumes of food. Now while its true that I rarely went more than 20 minutes without eating SOMETHING...nobody could accuse me of waste because I finished everything I started.

SIX CREME'BRULEES IN ONE SITTING, NO PROBLEM.

We ate our breakfast and lunch at the continuous buffet. Our gourmet dinners were in the elegant, Roman orgy-esque, Bacchus Dining Room. During the day, I might have been "careful" with what I ate but at night, I was an insatiable pit.

IN A RESTAURANT THAT CELEBRATED THE ROMAN AND GREEK GODS OF WINE AND FERTILITY, (BACCHUS & DIONYSUS), I BEGAN MY QUEST TO BREAK THE GUINNESS SHRIMP COCKTAIL EATING RECORD. UNFORTUNATELY, ANDREW INSISTED ON HAVING ONE...THUS DISQUALIFYING ME.

Our entire crew was cordial. However, in the Bacchus, they were saintly. In addition to the maitre d' and several hostesses, each table was provided with a three-person waiting team. This made the service impeccable. So whatever you wanted, you got...FAST! This was proven when the menu included lobster tails on the same day as New York strip steak. I wasn't going to pass up lobster and Andrew ordered the steak.

While waiting, I noshed on the bread basket. I also had, French onion soup and a Caesar salad as well as spicy Thai beef on a stick and a shrimp cocktail for my appetizers. That would have been enough for a normal fat guy...but not me.

IT IS MY UNDERSTANDING THAT IN THE OFF-SEASON, SUMO WRESTLERS COME ON CRUISE SHIPS TO BULK-UP.

I finished my lobster in seconds and pined for the steak. I flagged down our Jakartan waiter Nikko and told him of my desire for, "Surf & Turf." Perhaps because of the language barrier, he brought me the steak (with all the trimming) as well as two more lobster tails for Andrew and Sue. Well, when I downed that delicious strip steak, I noticed that they wanted to save room for dessert and didn't want the extra lobster. I couldn't picture such a delight being flung overboard and returned to its roots...so I ate them both and wound up with, "Surf and Turf...and Surf and Surf." Oh yeah, I still had room for two desserts too.

THIS GENTLEMAN WAS ON OUR CRUISE. WHEN WE DOCKED IN ST. THOMAS, HE HAD TROUBLE DECIDING WHETHER TO GET OFF EARLY OR HAVE A THIRD BREAKFAST OR A FIRST LUNCH. HE WAS DEVOURING A PORK CHOP WHEN HE PARA-PHRASED ZYMBOT, "EVEN THOUGH CARNIVAL CHARGED ME DOUBLE BECAUSE OF MY SIZE...LIKE THE FRIGGIN' AIRLINES...WHEN I EAT ON A CRUISE, I MAKE A PROFIT." BACK ON BOARD, HE TOLD ME HE GAVE BACK THAT PROFIT AFTER BENDING HIS RENTED SCOOTER'S CHASSIS.

In my eight days at sea, without impressing anyone or setting any records, my gastronomic antics resulted in a ten pound gain. Real life set in after my vacation. Especially when I took off my shirt in front of a mirror...holy man-boobs Batman, I needed a mansierre. I was so ashamed that I felt compelled to divert my eyes...and I love me!

When I tried on my new work pants, yikes, my plight worsened. I snugly fastened the belt with the last hole...going in the wrong direction. I was at a new all-time high of 234 pounds and was unwilling to test my new belt hole drilling skill. Amen, that's when I got the call from Dr. Atkins.

The first two weeks of any diet is crucial. First, to make room for MEAT, I re-arranged our freezer. The frozen pizza, French fries, ice cream and Pepperidge Farm fudge cake were the first to go. Then I made an appointment to re-acquaint myself with my butcher.

I have made it through the first week and have lost six pounds of bloating. Hopefully, I can keep at for a long time and steer a steady course back under 205. Because, we are already in the concept phase of a; flying to Los Angeles plus Mexican Riviera cruise vacation for next year.