THERE'S ONLY ONE MEMBER OF THIS FAMILY WITH THE RIGHT STUFF TO BE A SUPER-HERO

PBECK and I were friends in the eighth through tenth grade. In addition to his friendship, both his parents were cordial and took an interest in me.

For those of you that know my deepest peccadilloes, you may recall, it was PBECK's mom who gave me the chocolate pudding with banana chunks hidden inside. Luckily she was a champ about a fourteen-year old spitting her graciousness into his hand. Since then, I've never allowed my most hated food back in my mouth!

PBECK's dad was chatty. He always impressed me that he knew about me and cared enough to ask how I was doing. But the one thing that stands out about him was the old-fashioned two-dollar bill that he had framed in PBECK's room. It was the first money Mr. Beck ever earned and an apparent symbol for his son to be industrious.

TWO-DOLLAR BILLS WERE RARELY SEEN WHICH ADDED TO MY FASCINATION.

In the summer of 1969, a neighbor arranged my first job...supermarket inventory. I remember planning to frame one of the bills from my pay to hang my room. My idealism was lost when my five and a half hours of toil netted me a nine dollar and change payroll check. Even worse, I was caught off guard by the idea of not getting paid for the forty-five minute car ride from Canarsie to Upper Manhattan (and back) plus my personal prep time, (ah, to be so young and so dumb...I expected two more hours pay). And let's not forget the ultimate kick in the groin: getting taxed!

THE SUPERMARKET (SLOAN'S) WAS IN HARLEM. AN ARMY OF TEENAGE BOYS IN SHORTS AND TEE-SHIRTS CONVERGED ON THAT HUGE, CIVIL WAR-ERA BUILDING, (IT ONCE HOUSED A PALATIAL MOVIE THEATER).

My pay was the astronomical sum of $1.85 an hour. If that didn't leave a bad enough taste in my mouth, I didn't like getting locked inside either. The actual mission involved manually counting every item. My co-workers were all older teens. They seemed to be seasoned veterans but unlike me, they were goofy and having fun. The job wasn't difficult but without a diversion, it was as boring as hell. IT TOOK AN ETERNITY TO FINISH ACCOUNTING FOR THE CANNED VEGGIES AISLE. I FINISHED THE ASSIGNMENT BY DOING A PYRAMID OF OKRA, SAUERKRAUT OR SOME SUCH TRIPE.

I felt like I had accomplished something when I came down from the ladder. Lenny, my seventeen-year old "supervisor" then told me to go in the back and count-down the far left wall. His hot breath smelled like rancid, decomposing meat. So to get away from the odor, I gladly burst through the swinging doors that separated the public part of the store and the "back of the house."

The storage area was poorly lit and with every step I took, it got darker. At first, the stock was stored on solid wooden shelves. As I went along, those fixtures became rickety and held less merchandise. Soon the shelves were bare, splintered and in ruins. I walked under the last, flickering 40 watt bulb as a foul stench that reminded me of wet, Canadian pennies invaded my nostrils. Tucked far away from anything clean, I tip-toed between an oily, standing water lake and a congealed puddle of molten ooze before coming to the end of my journey.

I was so stupid that I wasn't afraid until I stepped on the pallet against the buckling, farthest brick wall. Several water bugs scattered under my feet as I bent down to look at the pile of deteriorated packages that I was sent to tally. Without a flashlight, the only identifiable product was the remnants of a Swanson TV dinner box. The rest of these former food items seemed fused to the floor. Suddenly, a giant greasy rat scurried under the wooden slats below me. The taste of bile rushed up from my throat. I turned and ran...only to be cut off by a group of hysterical boys.

Their laughing and finger pointing was humiliating. I was taken aside by my supervisor. I was too innocent to doubt his subsequent reassuring, yet stinky words. He led me to a gigantic, medieval-looking, wooden door with a tiny window. He unlocked the big silvery handle and we went in. This refrigerated room had cases of beer neatly stacked all around us. I noticed the lilting fragrance of stale urine. Compared to everything else, it smelled like roses. After Lenny explained a multiplication short-cut, he left and closed the door.

I was dressed for a hot August day, so within five minutes, I needed to warm up. That's when I realized that those bastards locked me in. I didn't panic...for the first twenty seconds. Then I looked through the little window, saw nobody and screamed my head off. Luckily the hazing wasn't carried off by hardcore sadists. When the geniuses came out of the shadows, they pretended to not hear my pleas for another minute or two. I was shivering when the gang led me back in the store. By that time, I was laughing with them. But I never did supermarket inventory again!

My son Andrew will be embarking on his first real job tomorrow. I'm confident that there won't be any rookie rites of passage but my wife and I are coming along for support anyway.

Andrew was hired as a party character. He will be in costume, playing Batman at the Absecon Family Fair, (Memorial Field on New Jersey Avenue, in beautiful downtown Absecon).

UP TILL NOW, ADAM WEST WAS MY DEFINITIVE BATMAN. BUT HE WASN'T THE FIRST ACTOR TO PORTRAY OUR HERO ON THE SILVER SCREEN. CHECK THIS OUT ALL YOU TRIVIA BUFFS, IT WAS LEWIS WILSON, IN 1943. OF COURSE, WE ARE MORE FAMILIAR WITH MICHAEL KEATON, CHRISTIAN BALE, VAL KILMER AND GEORGE CLOONEY IN THE TITLE ROLE. HOWEVER, I'M CERTAIN THAT MY BOY WILL BECOME THE NEW STANDARD FOR ALL FUTURE CAPED CRUSADERS.

To get this position, Andrew had to pass two tests. The first was an in depth interview. Then on another day, he was suited-up for the Atlantic City Women's Expo where he auditioned for the Batman part. Having successfully scaled both obstacles, my little guy will officially become a crime-fighting tax-payer in the morning.

EGGS-ACTLY WHAT I THOUGHT YOU'D THINK...BUT NO THAT'S NOT ME, SILLY. IT'S VINCENT PRICE AS BATMAN'S ARCH NEMESIS, EGGHEAD.

Unlike the tedium of my first job, I'm willing to bet that our latest Batman will face his harshest challenge in the form of amorous pre-teen girls.

BACK IN SEPTEMBER, DURING ANDREW'S TRYOUT, HE SAVED MANY LIVES IN GOTHAM CITY AND PUT MANY VILLAINS IN JAIL OR ON THE ROAD TO A CLEAN LIFE THROUGH BETTER LIVING.

To prove his value, our noble champion of justice has already been scheduled for two more gigs, (a school's book sale and a Halloween party). Maybe someday soon, I can find PBECK's dad and show him the framed picture in my room of Andrew's Batmobile and the DeLorean my industrious, super-hero bought me, for cash.