THE EXEMPLAR OF SLOTH...IN L. A.

In the summer of 1977, I parked in the Neponsit section of Queens with my friends, J and E.  Halfway down the beach block with the ocean breeze in our face, I found a New Yorker Magazine on the floor.

THE NEW YORKER WAS FOUNDED ON FEBRUARY 21, 1925. TO ATTRACT IT'S  TARGET DEMOGRAPHIC, THE CARICATURE OF A "DANDY," (THE EXEMPLAR OF SOPHISTICATION, EUSTACE TILLEY ), APPEARED ON IT'S FIRST COVER (above).  TODAY, THE MAGAZINE PUBLISHES 47 YEARLY ISSUES, (WITH A MONTHLY CIRCULATION OVER ONE MILLION).   ITS CONTENT CENTERS ON NEW YORK BUT CATERS TO A UNIVERSAL AUDIENCE .

My beach-going buddies and I were all under-employed college graduates.  So, maybe it was my economic prospects that compelled me to pick up the magazine.  The New Yorker was known for its highbrow potpourri of politics, social issues, art, humor, culture and counter-culture. On the cover of this issue I saw a feature called, "SEE IF YOU'RE LAZY...TAKE OUR SURVEY." When I suggested taking the quiz, J asserted, "You just disqualified yourself...by picking that rag off the ground."

Since moving to South Jersey in 1984, the person that exemplifies laziness to me has to be, forty-six year old Mystic Islander, Lew. Lew rarely leaves his apartment, is dependent on pills, has a drinking problem, squanders the little money he has left on gambling and is a chronic complainer.  Ironically, his grumblings aren't associated with his obvious shortcomings...his rantings concern his job.  He even brags about how little he does at his workplace which to him, epitomizes how backward the company is...because they tolerate or aren't sharp enough to notice his lack of effort.

Lew likes to work about sixty percent of his assigned time.  Therefore, he earns just enough to afford his habits.  Lew has never been married, has no children, no mortgage and drives a fifteen-year old Chevy Chevette that was built in Ecuador.  When I first met him (1993), he was driving (when it wasn't in the shop), the world's oldest Yugo GV with it's signature statement band-aid applique, (with the word "ouch" printed on it), covering his dented side panel.

THE 1985 YUGO GV WAS THE MONA LISA OF BAD AUTOS. IT PLACED #39,  IN TIME MAGAZINE'S WORST CARS OF ALL-TIME.  IT WAS SO AWFUL THAT; THE COUNTRY IT WAS NAMED FOR FOLDED, CARPET WAS LISTED AS STANDARD EQUIPMENT, THE REAR DEFROSTER WAS USED TO KEEP YOUR HANDS WARM WHEN YOU PUSHED IT TO YOUR MECHANIC AND RANDOM PARTS ROUTINELY FELL OFF. 

When Lew would start whining about how he hated his job, I wanted to slap him with a fish and tell him; if work was really that bad, what's holding you there?  Quit, you're not a moron, do something else.  Even if you fail, you have no responsibilities.  At that point, I would expect him to interrupt and cry, "They won't pay my benefits unless I keep up a thirty-two hour week.  That's when I'd be ready to cut him off and say, "Yeah, it must be tough being forced to make fifteen thousand more a year and have less time to waste it."

Lew's lethargic lifestyle is contrasted by Winston, (also forty-six).  He thought he had a terrible job too but Winston never complained, was an asset to the firm and was well liked.  But when he had the opportunity to expand his horizons, he absorbed the pain of tying-up family loose ends, accepted temporary financial hardships and moved to San Pedro, near Los Angeles.

Winston surprised me by moving to paradise but shocked everyone we know by turning down his new opportunity when he got there.  While its true that he's keeping his eyes open for something in his field, he has gone totally Hollywood and decided to take advantage of his two years of unemployment benefits, first.

THE HOLLYWOOD SIGN WAS BUILT IN 1923 AS A REAL ESTATE ADVERTISEMENT FOR "HOLLYWOODLAND." LONG AFTER ALL THE PROPERTIES WERE SOLD, THE SIGN'S POPULARITY, (IN ITS CURRENT SHORTENED VERSION),  HAS EARNED IT  LANDMARK STATUS AND IT IS NOW A GLOBALLY RECOGNIZED ICON.

Lew had been a Jersey boy all his life.  So this first venture (escape) to the left coast has left him anxious to soak up the sun and everything else out there. His first taste of L. A. was the typical tourist spots like movie studio tours, Hollywood Boulevard, the Walk of Fame, Grauman's Chinese Theater and the original Fat Burger.

GRAUMAN'S CHINESE THEATER IS FAMOUS FOR HOUSING GLITZY MOVIE PREMIERES LIKE, "KING OF KINGS," IN 1927, 1977's, "STAR WARS," AND DOZENS MORE IN BETWEEN.  HOWEVER, THE CASUAL TOURIST IS MORE FAMILIAR WITH THE CEMENT SLABS IN ITS FORECOURT WHICH BEAR THE SIGNATURES, FOOT AND HAND IMPRINTS OF 200 MOVIE LEGENDS.  IN MY JUNE 1983 VISIT, WAY BEFORE DANIEL RADCLIFFE INDENTED THE CONCRETE WITH HIS MAGIC WAND, I APPRECIATED JIMMY DURANTE AND BOB HOPE'S NOSE, GROUCHO MARX'S CIGAR AND ROY ROGERS' HORSE TRIGGER'S, HOOF PRINT.

Winston typified the east coast mentality when he told me that he liked the contradiction of being in Venice Beach and on Santa Monica Pier at Christmas time.  He then hit all the major amusement parks, hiked Runyon Canyon, toured the Getty Villa as well as the Griffith Observatory.

His macabre taste in entertainment included the Helter Skelter tour of Manson murders and the Dearly Departed Tours of L. A., who offer trips to the O.J. Simpson crime scene.  Next on his wish list are the crime scenes of the, "Black Dahlia," the murder of Robert Blake's wife and the case of the Menendez brothers.  Winston even implied a willingness to drive to Colorado, to check-out the Jonbenet Ramsey tour.

Closer to home, Winston wants to see the swanky Magic Castle.  It is so aristocratic that you need a referral to get a reservation.  But due to a fire in 2011, it was closed for several months. Since re-opening last month, it has become nearly impossible to get in.

THE MAGIC CASTLE IN HOLLYWOOD (1963-PRESENT), BILLS ITSELF AS THE WORLD'S MOST UNUSUAL PRIVATE NIGHT CLUB.  IN THIS EXCLUSIVE SETTING, IT FEATURES LIVE STATE-OF-ART MAGIC ACTS.

Last week, I told Winston that the last time I was in Los Angeles, I loved the La Brea Tar Pits.  He poo-poo'ed this idea before I even had a chance to tell him that the La Brea is a unique museum of worldwide acclaim.  At the turn of the last century, in what is now downtown L. A., a large, smelly asphalt pit blighted the landscape. The bones of unfortunate domestic animal stuck-out of the tar as a grim reminder of consequences of getting too close.  A man passing through town asked a local to identify the bones.  The man said cows.  While it was true some contemporary animals were stuck there, it didn't take long until a team of paleontologists were summoned and recognized the tar pits as a significant geological find.

 DOWNTOWN LOS ANGELES AS IT LOOKED IN 1910.  THE OIL DERRICKS IN THE BACKGROUND WERE COMMERCIALLY MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE TAR PITS, (HIDDEN BY LEAVES AND OTHER DEBRIS IN THE FOREGROUND).

Excavation at La Brea started in 1901.  Into the 1940's, hundreds of thousands of Pleistocene period bone fossils, preserved from the usual bacterial degradation by the tar were extracted in pristine condition.  Over the years, the focus has gone to smaller animals. Soon, museums and researchers around the world overwhelmingly used La Brea as their source for the delicate bones of intact flying dinosaurs.  By the 1970's, attention switched to specimens like, insects, plants and even pollen.  More than a hundred years later, these excavations continue.

JUNE - 1983. LA BREA, IS THE SPANISH WORD FOR TAR. IN THE BACKGROUND (IN THE MIDST OF L.A.'s BUSTLE) THE MUSEUM IS SURROUNDED WITH WHAT'S LEFT OF THE ORIGINAL TAR PITS...COMPLETE WITH MODELS OF PRE-HISTORIC (8,000 TO 40,000 YEARS AGO), VICTIMS STRUGGLING TO GET OUT.

Los Angeles' changing environment is proven by the appearance of extinct animals in the pits and those that are no longer native to the area, (like dinosaurs, horses, camels, mammoths, mastodons, long-horned bison, sloths and sabre-tooth cats).

THE SMILODON, (THE MOST FAMOUS SABRE-TOOTH CAT),  IS THE SECOND MOST COMMON BIG ANIMAL FOUND AT LA BREA.  FOR MORE DETAILS, VISIT THE MUSEUM'S WEB-PAGE AND CLICK ON THE SABRE-TOOTH CAT VIRTUAL EXHIBIT LINK .  IN ALL, YOU'LL FIND THAT LA BREA HAS UNEARTHED 660 SPECIES THAT INCLUDE 59 MAMMALS,  (EVEN ONE WOMAN), 135 BIRDS PLUS PLANTS, MOLLUSKS AND INSECTS.

Scientists have proven that 90% of La Brea's victims were carnivores or birds of prey/scavengers.The scenario they set is, a group of meat eaters chase down their meal.  In desperation, the unfortunate soul runs into the "sanctuary" of the sticky goo...and the hunters follow and get trapped too.  Further, the animals were smart enough that this was a rare occurrence.  If only one major entrapment like that happened every ten years over 30,000 years, that would be sufficient to account for the bone volume found at La Brea.

I was disappointed when Winston said that La Brea wasn't on his A-List of day trips.  He said he was too busy organizing excursions to Catalina Island, Olvera Street and some others I never heard of.  While Winston is between these worthy destinations, I have to fight my imagination not to picture him alone, as a sloth-like couch potato, laying around his apartment, watching reruns on TV and getting fat.

THE SLOTH IS A SLOW MOVING, APATHETIC CREATURE WHO HANGS UPSIDE DOWN IN TREES FOR HOURS AT A TIME.  ALSO, SLOTH, (LAZINESS), IS ONE OF THE SEVEN DEADLY SINS.  IT SUPPOSEDLY DESTROYS THE CHARITY IN ONE'S HEART AND MAY LEAD TO ETERNAL DEATH.  IT IS SAID OF SLOTH; FOR SATAN FINDS SOME MISCHIEF STILL FOR IDLE HANDS TO DO. THUS SLUGGARDS, TALKATIVE PEOPLE AND DREAMERS HAVE BEEN CATEGORIZED AS WIND WATCHERS, FANTASY CHASERS AND PURSUERS OF OTHER WORTHLESSNESS.

I have full confidence that Winston will eventually snap out of Southern California's do-nothing, Svengali-like grip.  Just there mere inference that I am comparing him to Lew should spur him out of his tree to greatness. After all, I failed the New Yorker laziness test on my way to the beach and Winston is on his way to Catalina Island...but Lew, the personification of sloth, lives in a beach community and is so pale that he probably has no idea which direction to find the shore.