TIMESHARE POACHERS

Ten years ago when I dealt roulette every day, a man bought-in for twenty-five, one-dollar chips. I had noticed that he was coming in a lot and regarded him as a new, regular customer.  Aside from the sameness of his low-roller action, he stood out because he was pleasant and low-key.  I knew him well enough that I wasn't surprised that after a brief playing session, he left with a small profit.

Later that night, I was standing dead (open for business with no players).  Oddly, I noticed this man, like an expectant father, standing in the wings for five minutes.  He stared off into space to make himself look innocent but every few seconds, I'd catch him stealing a glance at me. He seemed okay so I wasn't creeped-out by what seemed like stalking.

To satisfy my curiosity, I waved him over.  Reluctantly, he shuffled towards me and said, "You caught me."  I had no idea what he was talking about about and smiled, "That's right...I did.  Now tell me, what's up?"  He whispered, "I was waiting for other players to come so it wouldn't be obvious."  I said, "What wouldn't be obvious?" "I can clock your wheel, I win almost every time I play with you." 

To the uninitiated, he was making a ridiculous assertion.  Casinos build-in so many safeguards that even if a dealer, in cahoots with a confederate, earnestly tried to defraud his employer that way, it would be impossible.  This awkward situation is a rarity.  So in regard to my job security, I feel it's important to let naive gamblers know that whatever luck they have...is just luck.  Beyond that...if I like the player...all I can offer is my positivism and best wishes.

This fellow grinned.  "I know it makes you look bad if someone has you figured..."  I was not going to tell him the arbitrary speed of my spins or how randomly I push the wheel in the opposite direction.  I just said, "If the wheel was at a standstill and I dropped the ball over your number, the intentional sensitivity of the system would cause the ball to have an equal chance of landing on the opposite side of the wheel. 

He said, "Yeah but..."  I interrupted, "Yes, you might get lucky and have temporary success...and I'm glad you're satisfied with me...but I've been dealing roulette since the Stone Age..."  He cut me off, "I know but..."  I stopped him in mid sentence, "What's your name friend?"  He said, "Burt."  "Burt," I said, "you're an articulate, mannerly, well-dressed man.  The last thing I want to do is insult your intelligence but I really need you to concentrate on what I'm about to say.  Gambling is for chumps.  You understand? Yeah short term, in moderation, it's cool, fun and a diversion from real life but please understand...this is nothing but entertainment. THERE IS NO WAY TO WIN! Over time, it would be like going to a movie and expecting to leave with more money than you came in with.

Burt smiled, "I won eighty bucks off you yesterday and one-ten the day before...today, I'm winning thirty-five and I just started."  "Please Burt, I believe you...but you have to believe me...hanging out in casinos everyday is bad medicine. Your luck will turn and it won't be pretty.  This place is lousy with losers and degenerates who were convinced it would never happen to them.  Maybe you're bored, (I was thinking lonely but I didn't want him to get pissed at me) or maybe you're intoxicated by the rush.  Either way, this joy ride will come to an end sooner than you think."

I lowered my voice as if I was taking him into my confidence and said, "If there was a way to rig it, I have a big family and you'd never get close to my table.  Whoever put this crazy idea in your head was trying to come-off like a big-shot or he was just full of shit."

Burt was mulling over what I said when I added, "So many good people have been ruined by gambling...I think Dr. Kevorkian would have made a fortune if he set up a booth on the casino floor."  

PATHOLOGIST JACOB "DR. DEATH" KEVORKIAN (1928-2011) WAS BEST KNOWN FOR CHAMPIONING A TERMINALLY ILL PATIENTS'S RIGHT TO DIE ,VIA PHYSICIAN-ASSISTED SUICIDE.  KEVORKIAN CLAIMED TO HAVE CONDUCTED 130+ SUCH PROCEEDURES BEFORE BEING CONVICTED OF SECOND DEGREE MURDER.  HE WAS RELEASED AFTER SERVING EIGHT OF HIS TEN-TO-TWENTY-FIVE YEAR SENTENCE WITH THE STIPULATION THAT HE WOULDN'T "HELP" ANYONE ANY MORE.

A smile of recognition lit up Burt's face so I continued, "Picture this, if General George Patton gambled every day, it wouldn't be long till he drowned in his own tears." 

GENERAL GEORGE S. PATTON (1885-1945) WAS A CHARISMATIC AND EFFECTIVE GENERAL IN WWII.  HE WAS SO TOUGH THAT HE WAS NICKNAMED "OLD BLOOD AND GUTS" BUT HE BECAME CONTROVERSIAL WHEN HE SLAPPED TWO OF HIS MEN FOR PERCIEVED COWARDICE.

By now Burt was laughing so I said, "I don't ever want to see you upstairs, waiting in line for your number to be called...to jump off the roof."  He said, "I understand."  I said, "I hope you do because the knuckleheads who are afraid of heights usually take a bath with their toaster."

I said, "Now that we've come to an understanding, let's change the subject.  Do you live nearby?"  Burt said, "I've had a run of bad luck, I live in an efficiency apartment in Ventnor. I lost my job (the economy was good back then) and when the money got tight, my wife divorced me." I said, "First, you gotta stop punishing yourself.  That means you gotta find a kinder, gentler...less expensive hobby.  Something far from gambling where you might be able to find female companionship."  Second if nothing is holding you to this area, expand your work search and maybe you can land a decent job in New York, Philly or Baltimore." He was nodding as I said, "Are you working now?"  "Yeah, I work in the building, I sell timeshares."  My face soured, "I thought working in casinos was a rough racket but you got me beat."

Burt started a sales spiel.  I said, "Whoa there big buddy, save your breath, I'm not interested."  He thanked me for my advice, called me a friend and left. My supervisor SAMP120 asked, "What was that all about?"  I said, "He wanted to sell me a bullshit timeshare."  SAMP said, "Don't laugh, last month, my brother turned me onto a great timeshare move.  My wife, daughter and I stayed free, at this great hotel for a weekend in the Poconos.  We went skiing, snow-mobiling and inner tubing. They try to stick it to you (buy a timeshare) but all you have to say is, no."

Several weeks later, I followed SAMP's lead and made reservations.  The property was beautiful and the representatives really kissed our ass. The presentation started with a welcome orientation.  Afterwards each of the thirty or so families were assigned a guide (salesman).  We were then individually wisked away for a quick tour of the hotel-like condos and gorgeous single-family homes available in the vicinity.  Towards the end, we got pressed into buying.  When I balked, we were bombarded with special offers that WOULDN'T be available during the next day's full showing.  It was easy to stand my ground because I knew that SAMP and his brother both survived not buying. 

Our quarters for the weekend was a rustic hovel in the woods.  I said to my wife, "Why would they amp you up with such beauty and then stick you in a shithouse in the middle of nowhere?"  It got worse because our cabin stunk of musty mildew.  I complained.  Like magic, they transferred us to an ultra-modern suite in the hotel. We felt like we were living like kings.

In the morning after a delicious, free breakfast, we were required to attend a ninety-minute, full-blown tour of the facilities.  They put on a great show which wound-up taking three hours but you'd have to be out of your mind to NOT want to vacation in such luxury...until you hear the price.

TIMESHARES VARY BUT IN GENERAL YOU ARE BUYING A ONCE-A-YEAR WEEK, AT AN EXCLUSIVE VACATION DESTNATION. THE TIMESHARE INDUSTRY USES COOL INCENTIVES TO GET PROSPECTS TO TAKE TOURS AND BUY.  BUT THE ACTUAL PACKAGE IS EXPENSIVE.  THE HIGH-PRESSURE SALES TEAM IS TRAINED TO SKIRT ISSUES LIKE RIGID LOCATIONS, HIDDEN FEES AND COMPLICATED RE-SELLING POLICIES. EVEN IF YOU SAY NO, IT BECOMES A BATTLE OF WILLS, TO THE POINT OF EXHAUSTION UNTIL THE SALES PITCH BATTERING ENDS.



Our soft salesman got nowhere with us so he "handed us off" to a more aggressive man.  There was nothing subtle about this rude douche as he tried to embarrass us into making a commitment. 

SET IN THE SKIING MECCA OF ASPEN COLORADO, THE "ASSPEN," EPISODE OF "SOUTH PARK" (SEASON SIX, EPISODE THREE), HILARIOUSLY IDENTIFIES THE SKULLDUGGERY AND HARSH BUSINESS TACTICS USED BY THE TIMESHARE INDUSTRY.  ONCE YOU LIVE THROUGH THE TIMESHARE EXPERIENCE, THE  EXAGGERATION SOUTH PARK USED, IS HARD TO SEPARATE FROM THE TRUTH. 

When the tough guy stuck out, he switched gears and tried to rope us into a cheaper, much less desirable unit.  When I shook my head, out of the goodness of his heart, he shaved thirty-percent off the original price.  A weaker person might have thought they were a genius for holding out for a better rate and would have gotten nailed at that point.  But I hated this hyper bastard and wouldn't have bought a sno-cone off him if I was stranded in the Sahara Desert.

When he released us, I thought we had successfully run the gauntlet.  But before they hooked us up with our meal tickets, activity coupon booklet, valuable "thanks for coming" gift and a thirty-dollar gas voucher, we were led down a claustrophobic, spiral staircase, to a small dungeon-like office.

In the depths of the abyss, we were greeted by a kindly old man in a wheelchair, behind a desk.  His charming hospitable Southern accent vanished when I said we weren't interested in buying.  Suddenly, his personality morphed into a crotchedy ogre as he angrily gave us the third degree.  Is this a great place or not? Didn't my staff roll out the red carpet for you? Why are you not buying?  Didn't they offer you great discounts?  It was no compliment but this bitter crumudgeon reminded me of the heartless opportunist, Henry Potter played by Lionel Barrymore in the 1946 classic movie, "IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE."

AS MR. POTTER, BARRYMORE (1878-1954) , WAS ONE OF FILM'S MOST VICIOUS VILLIANS.

If an idiot was ever on the fence trying to figure out if timeshares were bullshit or not, the Barrymore impersonator was utterly convincing that they were, (I'm guessing he owned the whole shebang).  It was comical how he waved our collection of entitlements like Svengali trying to hypontize us before saying, "Before I send you away to enjoy all my amenities, I'm going to knock y'alls socks off.  I'm positive when you see this rock bottom fantastic deal, I guarantee, you'll and buy and encourage your friends to see me for the same deal."  He staggered out of his chair, lurched forward and threateningly pointed at me as he announced, "How about 50% off the 30% offered by the second saleman?"  I felt uncomfortable saying no. We bickered back and forth.  He was still hemming and hawing when his exasperated voice reminded us that 65% off, is a substantial...if not unheard of price.

When I said no, he lashed out and put me on the spot.  He forced me to come up with a legitimate reason.  I hadn't rehearsed anything but the lying pearls of wisdom that flowed like wine from my mouth stopped him dead in his tracks, "My wife and I don't get the same vacation times."  The Mr. Potter wannabe hesitated before retaliating like a charging rhino, "If y'all don't have the same time off, why are you here together now!"  I truthfully said, "Because, I'm on vacation and these are her days off."

It felt good to be back out in the clean fresh air.  We took our goodies and comingled with the paying customers.  Every second we were there, we took advantage of the lengthy list of free, scheduled activities.  We had a great weekend.

The next time I saw SAMP120, I thanked him for turning us on to such a time.  I explained my "different vacation" excuse.  He said, "That's good, very good.  I'll use it and tell my brother because we're going together with our families to another timeshare seminar, in the western part of Virginia.  And guess what, I saw the brochure and this place looks a thousand times better than the Poconos."

SAMP was all smiles when he came back. He gave me the information and by the end of June, my family was on the road to Harrisonburg Virginia.

NESTLED IN THE SHENANDOAH VALLEY,  HARRISONBURG, THE PRIDE OF ROCKINGHAM COUNTY, IS THE SCENIC HOME OF JAMES MADISON UNIVERSITY.

Outside Harrisonburg, the first town is McGaheysville and the entrance to timeshare heaven.

I CAN'T POSSIBLY EXPLAIN JUST HOW IDEAL THIS PLACE WAS.  UNLIKE THE POCONOS WHICH WAS A HOTEL WITH NEARBY HOMES...THIS GARDEN OF EDEN STRETCHED FOR THIRTY MILES.  ANYTHING YOU COULD WANT,THEY HAD; HORSE BACK RIDING, FISHING, WATER SKIING, SNOW SKIING EVEN HUNTING.

We checked-in and the orientation proceedure was similar to the Poconos.  On the other hand, this group included a film before the superficial tour of the property.  Later, our room was in a brand new motel-like structure.  Our outside terrace had a gorgeous view of the pool, one of the golf courses and valley.

Dinner was terrific.  We saw a show and later strolled through property.  Breakfast was top-notch...then we gathered with a couple of dozen families at the administration building.  Afterwards, this outfit sequestered my son Andrew and everyone's else's kids, in a hi-tech, computer playroom. 

I waited until our guide mentioned that our ninety-minute tour had begun to use one of SAMP120's suggestions, "It's 10:20, you have until ten to twelve to thrill us."  Our guide said, "Well it may take us a little longer..."  I said, "Do your best to get in as much as possible, we told our son we'd gone for an hour and a half..."  The guide said, "He'll be all right.  In the day camp, the kids aren't allowed out."  I pleasantly said, "You don't really know that he'll be all right.  Especially, if he wants to get out."  These were pre-cell phone days and I could see that the guide understood that there was no way to call and reassure us.  Then with a big smile I added, "Now, times a wastin', I'm excited, show us everything!"

I took the tour with false enthusiasm and at 11:30 I said, "It's almost time to wrap this up."  The guide said, "But there's so much more..."   I said, "No worries, you still have twenty minutes."  "But you haven't seen the sports palace, the theater and..."  "C'mon I said, I know what indoor tennis courts look like and we saw the theater last night."  "What about the lake..."  "Yeah remember, you pointed out the lake, the river and a swamp."  "It's a creek..."  I cut him off, "Whatever.  Look, you're on the clock and the ninety minutes are almost up..."  He said, "But..."  I said, "You did a great job in the time you had and I think we can make an educated decision now."  He perked up, "And that decision is."  I said, "We aren't ready to buy."  He said, "Because you haven't seen the health spa, convenience store and..."  I said, "Your ninety-minute rule is etched in stone right here in this pamphlet...and your time is up."

At exactly 11:50, we were re-united with Andrew.  He loved it there and could have stayed locked up playing games all weekend. 

In a big room with other people getting pressured, we heard their final sales pitch.  This company's gimmick included bells and buzzers to indicate when folks committed to buy.  I guess management thought their "guests" were like lemmings and would be influenced to buy if  "everyone" was doing it. If that nonsense wasn't enough...the entire sales staff, like waiters singing happy birthday in a restaurant, stood up and rhythmically clapped as new purchasers were ushered to nirvana, (a special, private office), to cement the deal.

In actuality, these salespeople weren't hardcore.  It is true that they used a similar tag-team, good salesman/bad salesman ploy like the Poconos bunch but our second saleman was a pansy.  Maybe our first salesman signaled that they had no shot with us.  So he didn't grill us after I said my third no.  Then rather then send us down to the gates of hell to face-off with their version of a devil in a wheelchair, we were given a survey to complete.  Our responses were reviewed.  Moments later, we were graciously given our goodies and encouraged to have a wonderful stay...which we absolutely did, (I don't know about a timeshare but I would have loved to retire there).

Months later, after a prolonged absence, Burt came into the casino to see me.  He introduced me to his girlfriend Jennifer and told me about his new computer job.  He also said that he got a big promotion and that company was relocating them to North Carolina. 

Burt waited around until I had a break and hugged me.  He called me a great friend and thanked me for straightening out his life.  He said, "After Jen and I walk on the boardwalk, we're having a nice dinner and going back."  Then as an aside he added, "And because of you, I'm not gambling even one nickel in a slot machine."

His sentiments were sincere, I was touched.  I took it as a compliment that they drove in from Philadelphia to say good-bye.  I told him about my timeshare visits to the Poconos and Harrisonburg.  His face lit up, "Good!  Which one did you buy?"  I said, "Neither, I went for the free weekends."  The smile evaporated from his face and he snarled, "Timeshare poacher."  He grabbed his girl's bicep, turned her around and said, "C'mon, we're getting out of here."

Call me crazy, but regardless of his little hissy-fit, I think we all made out okay.