THE BEST TASTING FOOD ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH

Last week, I attended the wedding of Jeffrey and Michele.  This swanky affair took place at the Mandarin House Hotel overlooking Manhattan's Central Park.  The Bentley's, Porsches and Lamborghini's in the parking lot gave the impression that only a rags to riches family or Bonnie and Clyde could afford such oppulance.

From the Thirty-Fifth floor, the stunning view New York's skyscrapers and park below was only outdone by the beautiful ceremony.

We advanced to the cocktail hour and I will whisper a slight complaint about the food...this feast for the eyes...was fairly ordinary for my state-of-art taste buds and stomach. 

ONE OF JERRY SEINFELD'S SCHTICKS IS, "THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS BAD PIZZA."  BUT WE KNOW THAT'S JUST A SET-UP FOR A PUNCHLINE BECAUSE, THERE ABSOLUTELY IS...BAD PIZZA.  JUST LIKE THE ORGY OF FOOD AT THE COCKTAIL LOOKED SCRUMPTOUS...BUT LOOKS CAN BE DECIEVING.

Luckily the company was so good, the eats were secondary.  Then the brother-in-law of the groom came by to shake my hand.  In his plate was a pile of fist-sized shrimp cocktail.  I said, "Where did you get that?"  He pointed and said, "It's between the lobster and the stone crab..."  I was gone before he mentioned the oysters and clams on the half shell.

I filled my plate with lobster (tails), shrimp and oysters.  I dropped a dollop of cocktail sauce on top, squirted lemon and added Tabasco...and went to town.  Soon others were marveling at my delectibles, including my son Andrew and wife Sue.  They swooped down and reaped the benefit of my wait on line as they raided my dish.  Accidentally, (to my good fortune) once they got to my force-field gimmick, (Tabasco) my plate was safe from future attacks.

On my return voyage to the shellfish station, I eliminated the cumbersome oysters.  Eventually, I concentrated solely on the lobster and shrimp and lost track after five refills.  Towards the end, I became clever enough to time when a fresh batch was brought over.  On my way into the main ballroom, my wife's cousin asked me how many lobster tails I ate.  I told her, "At least a pound..."  When she gasped I said, "And two pounds of shrimp."

She said, "I guess you think lobster and shrimp are the best tasting foods in the world?"  I said, "No.  The best tasting food in the world is so poorly marketed that the manufacturers think they have to add something to it, to make it good."  Her eyes widened, "And that food is...chocolate?"  I said, "You're almost right."

I said, "To sooth the savage beast, this nectar of Gods, is sweet ambrosia to my soul."  She said, "Reese's Peanut Butter Cups!  They combine two of my favorite things and make something even better."  I told her, "You're quite astute but remember, the world's tastiest food is worsened because it is never sold...or eaten on its own."  She said, "I'm glad I didn't say banana, strawberry yogurt."  I winced at the thought and said, "If you like that, you'd probably love fried liver, Brussels Sprouts and beets."  She said, "C'mon already, what is this great secret...what is the world's tastiest food?"

I said, "The chocolate wafer of an ice cream sandwich."  She said, "They are good."  I said, "Ice cream sandwich mogols are sitting on a goldmine and don't know it.  The cookie should should be sold...frozen of course...separately.  If you think I ate a lot of seafood just now, I bet I could over-dose on those babies."  She said, "Yeah but the ice cream is so good too."  I said, "No.  That's like saying there's no such thing as bad pizza.  An ice cream sandwich only tastes good because of the cookie.  The ice cream they use is so plain that on its on, it's flavorless."  She said, "I don't know about that."  I pointed down at the entrance to Central Park.  I said, "See that dirty water hot dog cart?"  Wearily she said, "Yeah..."  "Well, most people eat 'em and love 'em...I know, 'casue I do."  She nodded as I continued, "But if you took away the bun, mustard, sauerkraut etc., and just ate the actual frankfurter (that has been marinading in toxic, days-old, fat-globular-laden sludge), you'd puke all over your sneakers."

We were laughing as I added, "The situation is getting worse.  I was in Wal-Mart last week and saw a seemingly ingenious variation of the ice cream sandwich.  But their wayward idea strayed from the classic formula by combining (tasteless) chocolate and vanilla ice cream, inside one chocolate and one vanilla wafer. Stupidly, I took those Madison Avenue knucklehead's bait and bought a box.  Luckily I have a kid with less sophisticated taste who cheerfully ate the tainted product.

TO THE UNTRAINED EYE, THESE HALF CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM, HALF VANILLA JOBBIES LOOK PRETTY GOOD.

My wife's cousin said, "Half and half, eh.  They do sound delicious."  I said, "You're missing a serious point.  The ice cream is inconsequential, what's important here is, the flavor of the cookie is diluted because you're only getting half the dose of the best tasting food in the world....trust me, without the full-blown lusciousness...why bother."  "Yeah but..."  I said, "There is no but.  I took the blind taste test and pulled away a section of each cookie...and the chocolate side was dynamite and the vanilla...wasn't!"  She said, "You're funny."

This morning she sent me a FACEBOOK message and asked how many chocolate, ice cream sandwich wafers I ate since last week.  I wrote back, "None, because I was scared to eat anything."  She said, "Why?"  I said, "Because my pee still has the sweet aroma of lobster."  She said, "Jeffrey and Michele would be thrilled to know that their soiree left such a lasting impression on you."