NOT ANOTHER SQUEAK OUT OF YOU!

Hold on to your hats, we have a new edition of Edelblum Mystery Theater...and it won't be easy on your ears.

Edelblum Mystery Theater is reserved for the un-understandable moments of my every day life. The fun begins when I lay out the evidence and see if you can unravel the absurdness of my puzzle.

We all have strange entertainment weaknesses.  One of mine, I'm afraid to admit, is chimpanzees. More specifically, chimps dressed in clothes and even better if they act on TV or movies with dubbed in voices.  I was fifteen when a new TV show knocked me off my feet.  It was called, "LANCELOT LINK, SECRET CHIMP."

A SPY GENRE PARODY, "LANCELOT LINK," LASTED TWO SEASONS AND HAD THIRTY EPISODES.

In 1970, my big problem with Lancelot Link was in my social circles it was uncool, to watch kiddie shows.  So my friends never knew of my guilty pleasure, (hell, maybe they watched it too)?  Either way, to cover my tracks, I went outside when the adventure segment was over.  That's when the show ended with a two-minute segment featuring an all-chimp rock-n-roll band, (the Evolution Revolution). I still think talking chimps in business suits is funny but my oddball taste has evolved.

Starting in my late-twenties, I became a big fan of the smash sit-com, "CHEERS."  In one episode, even without talking monkeys, my sophisticated, new and improved guilty pleasure brought a big smile to my face.

"CHEERS" WAS A FIXTURE ON NBC FROM 1982-1993. DURING ITS ELEVEN SEASON RUN, (275 EPISODES) , IT WAS FAMOUS FOR IT'S WITTINESS AND SEX APPEAL. IN ADDITION TO MANY OTHER ACCOLADES, CHEERS WAS NAMED TV GUIDE'S 18th GREATEST TV SHOW OF ALL-TIME.  

CHEERS took place at a neighborhood bar in Boston,. Their theme song, "WHERE EVERYONE KNOWS YOUR NAME," embodied the idea that everyone was welcome and everybody was a somebody there. The ensemble cast of barflies included John Ratzenberger (far left in photo above), as a customer...mailman, Cliff Clavin.

Cliff Clavin was an annoying know-it-all, (who really knew nothing).  Unfortunately, guys like that are everywhere...and most are avoided.  To prove how out of touch they are, they aren't bright enough to realize that their unsolicited and unsubstantiated factoids, repel the people that they are trying to impress.

Outside the barroom, one would expect Cliff to be a lonely loser but inside the sanctuary of the tavern...despite being a wind-bag, he is tolerated which perpetuates his nonsense.

My favorite Cliff Clavin moment was in the, "AND GOD CREATED WOODMAN," episode (originally aired January 14, 1988).  In it, to supplement his income, Clavin sells mail order shoes to everyone in the bar.  The shoes look great and are reasonably priced.  On the day they arrive, everyone is pleased by how comfortable they are...until they start walking around and discover...all the shoes squeak.  Call me crazy but anything squeaky is funny and squeaky shoes are hilarious.

OOPS, NOT ALL SQUEAKY THINGS ARE FUNNY.  LYNETTE "SQUEAKY" FROMME (1948-PRESENT) WAS PART OF CHARLES MANSON'S INFAMOUS "FAMILY." SHE WAS SO BRAINWASHED THAT IN 1975, SHE ATTEMPTED TO ASSASSINATE PRESIDENT GERALD FORD.  SHE SERVED THIRTY-FOUR YEARS OF HER LIFE SENTENCE AND WAS PAROLED IN 2009.

A few years ago, my son Andrew turned me onto the 2002  movie, "KUNG POW; ENTER THE FIST."  Theatrically it was awful but  it was a great excuse to bond with my kid.  Plus, I still found enough funniness to get me through.

THIS FLICK WAS DIRECTED, PRODUCED AND WRITTEN BY STEVE OEDEKERK WHO IS ALSO THE STAR,  (see above...HE'S HOLDING NUNCHUCKS MADE OF SQUIRRELS).  HIS MOVIE SATIRIZES ASIAN MARITAL ARTS FILMS.  TO DO IT, OEDEKERK GUTTED AN EXISTING 1976 MOVIE FROM HONG KONG CALLED, "TIGER AND CRANE FIST."  NOT ONLY DID HE REMOVE THE SOUND TRACK AND DUB IN HIS OWN DIALOG BUT HE ADDED ORIGINAL SCENES, TO MAKE THE PLOT UNIQUELY HIS. 

My favorite KUNG POW character is the nerd, Wimp Lo.  Although he has a small role, the squeaky shoe sound effects when he walked cracked me up, (it's especially clever because Wimp Lo wears slippers that are probably so soft that they couldn't ever squeak).

Now that you know how I feel about squeaky shoes, you can imagine how embarrassing it was for me when I recently discovered that my new (eight-month old) expensive New Balance work shoes...squeak, (only the right one).

You might recall in my previous August 18, 2014 blog, "EDELBLUM MYSTERY THEATER; THERE'S NO BUSINESS LIKE SHOE BUSINESS," all I did was brag how those New Balance babies were my savior.  Now, that same footwear is a matter of utter distress whenever I walk on a hard surface.  Before I could act on preventing that vexing sound, my face was really red when I went through a back-of-the-house corridor, at work.  The head of security (ahead of me) turned around and said, "You'll never sneak up behind anyone with that racket going on."

If you were expecting a challenge from me to unravel that mystery, you are wrong.  I googled the problem but for the true comic effect, I chose to delay the repair.  Instead, I texted Andrew and shared the laugh.  But seeing (hearing) is believing so I waited between his colleges terms to have him witness this squeaky phenomena.

While still on Andrew's winter break, the plot of this mystery thickened.  Last week I took my wife Sue with Andrew into Manhattan to see the Broadway show, "JERSEY BOYS."

SPEAKING OF UNFUNNY SQUEAKS, THERE'S NO MYSTERY HERE.  NEXT DOOR FROM THE AUGUST WILSON THEATER WHERE WE SAW "JERSEY BOYS," IS THE DERELICT BUILDING THAT ONCE HOUSED THE ROSELAND BALLROOM.  UNFORTUNATELY, JUDGING FROM THE NOTIFICATION, THE PLACE I SPEND A LOT OF TIME IN BACK HOME...MIGHT CONSIDER THE SAME FUMIGATION SERVICE.

We had five hours to play tourist before the curtain went up.  We did a lot of walking down Broadway, browsing through stores in Times Square, up Seventh Avenue and along the diamond district on West 47th Street.  At dinner, Sue regretted not wearing her Fitbit bracelet because she thought she would have had a new high for steps taken in a day.

FITBITS ARE FLEXIBLE, CORDLESS ACTIVITY MONITORS, (SUE'S IS BLACK WITH HOT PINK POLKA DOTS).  IT HELPS TRACK SLEEP, STEPS TAKEN AND CALORIES BURNED.

The next day, I was wearing the same sneakers I wore to Manhattan.  Suddenly, inside a convenience store, I couldn't help but notice that the right shoe squeaked.  I altered my stride.  The noise stayed the same. Then I checked to see if I stepped on something weird like a pistachio nut shell...no foreign object was jammed into the sole. When I drove home, I spotted  Andrew walking our dog Roxy.

ROXY LOVES SQUEAKY DOGGY TOYS SO MUCH THAT IF YOU PLAY WITH HER'S WITHOUT PERMISSION, SHE HAS THE SUPER-POWER TO INCAPACITATE PEOPLE WITH HER DEATH-RAY VISION.

I shared my latest squeaky discovery with Andrew.  He thought I was kidding and was purposely making the squeakiness.  I demonstrated in the house.  He saw that I serious. 

Again, that is NOT the mystery.

The mystery I pose to you happened later that same night.  I was in the house, in bare feet and my right foot squeaked.  Sue said it was the floorboards under the carpet.  But I said, "Then why is it only the right foot?" Again, Andrew thought I figured out a way to do it on purpose but I assured him that I wasn't...and I really WASN'T.

The true mystery is, why did my sneaker and my foot NOT squeak the next day...or ever again?
It's not something you can ask Siri, google or the Dalai Lama.

Trust me, I know better than to waste the high priest of Lamaism's time on nonspiritual questions about vanishing squeaks...but he did say, "You will find eternal peace by creating my own story about monkeys wearing squeaky shoes."

P.S. - I used google's suggestion on my New Balance shoes to get rid of the squeak.  First I identified where the squeak was coming from, by moving my foot forward and back and side to side.  I used talcum powder without success and then used to WD-40 to kill the beast.  If that doesn't help for you, you're a simple click away from solving a more stubborn problem by googling it for your self.