MOUNTING MT. WASHINGTON

My friend, crime novelist Charlie Stella has joined me on several power-walks.  While it might not be his thing, he hangs in.  Today's blog concerns itself with the shock of a lifetime, Charlie inviting me to do a marathon power-walk with him and some of his author goombas.

                                                                            #

I was disappointed by yesterday's storm.  I had prepared for the worst because the National Weather Service warned of possible tornadoes, thunder, lightning and ugly conditions.  That tumult meant, I had to cancel my power-walk. I don't like having my schedule thrown off so it takes a good deal of awfulness to give-up exercising and the valued mental masturbation this private time provides.

These power-walks are so cherished that down through the years, I have persevered through every harsh element that Mother Nature could throw my way. I have walked in temperatures between 18 and 95 degrees, wind storms and pelting rain.  So, I wasn't going to be dissuaded by the Weather Channel's "sophisticated" (usually 50% accurate), computer system.

Some might say my hearty nature is a result of a tough Brooklyn upbringing.  I won't speculate whether that's true but in my neck of the woods, it was a crime to waste a dime on a telephone weather report. Our custom simply involves sticking your head out the friggin' window, (if you're the out-going type, you could even be neighborly and announce, ala Ralph Kramden, "It certainly looks like rain today)."

THE EPITOME OF A BROOKLYNITE, IF RALPH KRAMDEN STUCK HIS HEAD OUT THE WINDOW AND GAVE THE WEATHER A THUMBS UP, IT MEANT SOMETHING...AFTER ALL, STICKING YOUR HEAD OUT THE WINDOW WAS GOOD ENOUGH FOR HIS GRANDMOTHER...

Yesterday, it was cloudy but dry when I stuck my head out the window. In the distant southern horizon, I could see the lines of heavy rain.  Normally, I would take the chance and do a quickie walk but beyond those thick bands of rain was an eclipse-like black sky.  Far scarier, in the near-ground, the sky was painted with ominous splotches of crazy colors like mauve, puce and taupe.  You know you're in for a nasty storm when the sky is a kaleidoscope of colors that didn't make the Crayola Crayons top 120.  So if you aren't sure about the weather and see blotches of normal crayon colors like burnt sienna, ocher and ruddy brown in the heavens, I say, you'll be okay.

I MIGHT BE COLOR BLIND BUT SINCE WE TOOK MY SON ANDREW TO THE CRAYOLA CRAYON FACTORY TOUR (1998) IN EASTON PENNSYLVANIA, I NOW APPRECIATE THE COOL NAMES THEY HAVE FOR COLORS.  PLUS, THE TOUR IS A GREAT HANDS-ON EXPERIENCE FOR KIDS AND ADULTS.

Within minutes, my decision to not power-walk paid off.  The wind picked up. The morning sky darkened.  Then as if a switch was flipped on, a slashing rain...that would continue into the evening ripped through my town.

Missing my scheduled power-walk threw my routine off. To fill the time, I took some coffee into my Florida room and watched the storm in my backyard.  I marveled at small tree limbs going airborne and the formation of rivulets that swelled into mini-lakes that flooded areas of my property.

While viewing the turbulence, my mind wandered to author Bill Bryson.

BILL BRYSON (1951-PRESENT) IS A BEST-SELLING AUTHOR OF HUMOROUS BOOKS ON TRAVEL AND THE HUMAN CONDITION. 

My friend SLW turned me onto Bryson and I read two of his novels.  I liked them both but appreciated, "THE LIFE AND TIMES OF THE THUNDERBOLT KID," more.  This page-turner is an account of Bryson's formative years.  It reads like a mixture of two of my favorites, the 1983 classic movie, "A CHRISTMAS STORY" and the TV show, "THE WONDER YEARS."

THE WONDER YEARS (1988-1993) WAS SET IN THE LATE 1960's AND EARLY 1970's.  THIS COMING OF AGE SHOW STARRED FRED SAVAGE (above) AS KEVIN ARNOLD, A TEENAGER WRESTLING WITH THE COMPLEXITIES OF FRIENDSHIP, THE DIFFICULTIES OF FINDING HIS WAY, THE HARDSHIPS OF SCHOOLWORK AND AN EVER-UNATTAINABLE LOVE LIFE.

I saw a list of Bryson's top sixteen novels.  "The Thunderbolt Kid," ranked fifth but I liked it more than the other book I read, (the number one on the list), "A WALK IN THE WOODS."

"A Walk In the Woods" was still enjoyable.  So SLW was right when he recommended it.

"A WALK IN THE WOODS" (1998) IS BILL BRYSON'S ACCOUNT OF HIS UNPREPARED, FIVE-MONTH TRY TO HIKE THE 2,168-MILE APPALACHIAN TRAIL, (WITH A FRIEND WHO WAS FAR LESS PREPARED).  STRETCHING FROM SPRINGER MOUNTAIN GEORGIA TO KATAHDAN MOUNTAIN MAINE, THE TRAIL IS ONE OF THE WORLD'S LONGEST CONTINUOUSLY MARKED FOOT PATHS.

SLW and I (separately) went cross country. So he knew I could relate to the absurdity of Bill Bryson solving his mid-life crisis with a colossal hike. SLW and I had our share of wild adventures so he wanted to share how Bryson and his buddy dealt with mental and physical exhaustion of severe cold and hot weather, dangerous terrain, insects, four-legged beasts and two-footed weirdos.

Towards the end of his odyssey, Bryson took on Mount Washington in New Hampshire.  His description made this mountain seem like America's Everest. Prior to reading, "A Walk in the Woods," I had heard of it only because of bumper stickers that read; THIS CAR SURVIVED CLIMBING MT. WASHINGTON. 

MT. WASHINGTON IS THE USA's MOST PROMINENT PEAK EAST OF THE MISSISSIPPI RIVER. IT'S FAMOUS  FOR ERRATIC AND UNSAFE WEATHER.  ON APRIL 12, 1934, THE WORLD'S FASTEST WIND GUST 231 MPH WAS RECORDED, (IT WAS FINALLY BESTED IN 1996).  THE MOUNT ALSO HAS CLAIMED A HIGH NUMBER OF FATALITIES.

This grisly wilderness was the last place I'd ever guess Charlie Stella would ever pick to "exercise" his long-dormant outdoors-man bravado. I rationalized my guess because Charlie is overweight and only recently gave up unfiltered Camel cigarettes for a pipe. Therefore, he struggled to stroll the intensely less strenuous boardwalks at Seaside Heights and Atlantic City with me.

OCTOBER 10, 1983.  CHARLIE WINS THE SPAGHETTI EATING CONTEST (SIX POUNDS, ONE OUNCE) DURING THE COLUMBUS NIGHT FESTIVITIES AT YONKERS RACEWAY.  HE GOT STIFFED BY RONZONI WHICH CAUSED HIM TO FOREVER BOYCOTT THEIR PRODUCTS.  UNFORTUNATELY, HE DIDN'T BOYCOTT ANYONE ELSE'S FOOD PRODUCTS...AND HAS BEEN BATTLING HIS WEIGHT FOR A LONG TIME.

I teased Charlie about going from zero-to-sixty in the aerobic exercise department. I know Charlie can handle silly jokes at his expense because he and I have similar personalities.

• 10% - Overly serious, hyper-sensitive and won't take anyone's shit.
• 80% - Perfectly well-adjusted and a wonderful, fun-loving person.
• 10% - Buffoon! Accepting of shortcomings.  Able to have verbal sparring matches with friends.

Despite my stunned, knee-jerk reaction to Charlie's strange challenge, I wanted in too, (not only for the experience but also for a chance to hobnob with other writers).

His friends are experienced in such endeavors.  They know about Charlie's physical issues and aren't going to let this tenderfoot fall down a ravine, get eaten by a bear, die of thirst or get lost. So with all their expertise, I figured, maybe his buddies could find a way to to "carry" a second inexperienced mountain climber. Charlie spoke for the group and welcomed me with open arms.

I was relying on our mutual talent for buffoonery when I harassed Charlie by comparing his outing with the movie, "DELIVERANCE."  The truth is, I was teasing myself because I saw the movie once and it's memory (forty plus years later), is still so unsettling that I have no need to see this top-notch thriller again. 

1972's, "DELIVERANCE" WAS A SURVIVAL MOVIE FEATURING FOUR CITY DWELLERS ON A CANOEING VACATION IN RURAL GEORGIA WHO ARE AMBUSHED BY CRAZY BACKWOODS LOCALS.  IN THEIR STRUGGLE TO RETURN TO CIVILIZATION, THEY MUST BATTLE THEIR ATTACKERS, NATURE AND THEIR OWN MORALITY, (go to the YOUTUBE link below, to hear the memorable theme song). 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uzae_SqbmDE

My plan to go unraveled when I realized that Mt. Washington was in New Hampshire and that this walk in the woods was for an extended weekend.  Due to the nature of casino work, it'll be impossible for me to get a summer weekend off. Charlie understood.

I'm unclear why but suddenly their whole mounting Mt. Washington expedition was pushed back six weeks, to the end of August. Despite the postponement, I still can't go.

I have also noticed Charlie hasn't been talking the trip up any more.  Maybe he'll regain his momentum as the big day nears, but in the back of my mind, I'm worried that my bowing out and taunting has dampened the ol' boy's enthusiasm and influenced him to change his mind.

In a true rarity, I telephoned Charlie.  After hemming and hawing I finally got to the point, "Are you still going to hike Mt. Washington?"  Charlie is an outspoken man.  I have never heard him waffle on even the most controversial topic.  But in this case he did by saying, "I'm, er...umm, still going..."  He didn't finish his thought so I took the dangling bait, "You'don't sound so certain?"  "I want to go but that hike will kill me."  I said, "It could be 70 degrees at the bottom and 30 at the summit."

Charlie agreed and rattled off some scary stats about the disproportionate fatality rate associated with Mt. Washington compared to similar venues so I said, "So you're NOT going?"  "Oh no," he said, "I'm going.  If I back out, those mooks will bust my balls forever...the humiliation factor of getting called fugazy is enough to risk my goddamned life."

I acknowledged his dicey damned if you do...damned if you don't situation.  Then commended his sticktuitiveness for at least "wanting" to go.  He cut me off, "Of course, they'll have no idea that I'm chicken if I go up all gung-ho and shit and then pretend to turn ankle in the first fifteen minutes.  Hell, I'll go find a pizza place, take a nap and then sing that old Don Imus song as I drive up to the top."

Charlie might not have the right stuff to conquer Mt. Washington on foot but he proved he was tone deaf with zero talent for singing when he started wailing.

"I don't care if it rains or freezes, long as I got my plastic Jesus riding on the dashboard of my car,
I can go a thousand miles per hour, long as I got that mystical power riding on the dashboard of my car..."

Luckily he only knew the first two lines, my ears were getting devastated.  I said, "If you sing like that up there, you'll cause an avalanche."  He said, "Go shit in your hat." I said, "Forget going all the way up to New Hampshire just to save face.  Come to Somers Point with me and walk across the new bridge to Ocean City."

MY WIFE SUE AND I WALKED THE THREE MILES (IN EACH DIRECTION) YESTERDAY.  THIS TWO-YEAR OLD SERIES OF HIGH LEVEL SPANS REPLACED THE ORIGINAL ROUTE 52 CAUSEWAY THAT WAS BUILT DURING THE DEPRESSION. THE PEDESTRIAN WALKWAY IS WIDE WITH A NICE VIEW OF BOTH TOWNS AND THE GREAT EGG HARBOR BAY BELOW.  AFTER THIS ENERGIZED POWER-WALK, WE REWARDED OURSELVES AT SMITTY'S CLAM BAR.  SORRY CHARLIE...BUT TRYING TO FIND FRESH, RAW CHERRYSTONES IN FREAKIN' NEW HAMPSHIRE MIGHT BE ITS OWN HERCULEAN TASK.

Charlie said, "I handle it!  I went to college in Minot North Dakota and had to help shovel off the football field after every blizzard ...starting in October.  I can bench press YOU!  And I'm a graduate of Southern New Hampshire University (SNHU)."  There is no denying that what Charlie does, he does in a big way. So I didn't want to piss him off by reminding him that SNHU was an online college and that if ever was indeed set foot in that state, I doubt he ever hiked further than the parking to a supermarket.  Instead I said, "Maybe you'd be better off walking the bridge with me first, it'll be like taking baby steps."

AERIAL VIEW OF THE BRIDGE WITH SOMERS POINT IN FOREGROUND AND OCEAN CITY IN THE BACKGROUND. CHARLIE DIDN'T TAKE THE BAIT EVEN WHEN I SAID, "ON THE BOARDWALK THERE'S A PLACE THAT SERVES THAT NEAPOLITAN KNOCKWURST THAT YOU LIKE SO WELL."

Charlie remained steadfast.  He says he's ready to brave Mt. Washington. I believe him.  But I still needed to needle him a little more by saying, "Please do yourself a favor and see "DELIVERANCE" before you go."  He said, "Screw you!"  I laughed, "Well, at least google 'A WALK IN THE WOODS.'  Because the movie is coming out in September and you can see the trailer online."  Charlie didn't care but it's true.  Interestingly Bill Bryson made sure his character was properly cast...with Robert Redford, (page up to the photo of Bryson holding a globe, to refresh your memory of what he looks like.  Oh yeah, and don't forget, his burnt-out sidekick is played by Nick Nolte."

It looks like Charlie is going through with his mounting Mt. Washington trip.  But something tells me, if he gets the blessing of the National Weather Service, there's still a 50-50 chance the weather will be dangerous. So forget about being disappointed, my boy Charloots will celebrate when they get all the way up to New Hampshire and the sun disappears, there are high winds and weird Crayola crayon colors blotch the darkening sky.