Luckily, I went to Las Vegas and the school's job placement service had a position waiting for me when I got there. The poor schmoes who came to Atlantic City were required to start from scratch, put in as much as eight months schooling and pay again, in some cases over $1,500.00.
For years, I received invitations from law firms who represented the class action suit against the school. I was too lazy to write a positive testimonial so I just tore up all those letters.
*
The New York School of Gambling was filled with oddballs. The strangest was, fellow craps student, Barney Kush. In 1978, few people were knowledgeable about mental imperfections like: Asbergers, ADHD, OCD and adult ADD. So, I hate admit that whatever Kush's condition was, I found his antics to be hysterical.
Barney was a bright, tall, slender, good looking kid. But he was hyper, had uncontrollable facial tics and other unusual mannerisms. He was also a selfish, (self-centered) chatterbox with an innate need to advertise that he was a know-it-all. Did I mention he had a gambling problem too? Well, he did.
The school had several cliques but friendless Barney Kush was shunned by them all. Even Tish, a hippie, love everyone-type, made it clear that he made her skin crawl, (Tish was dating Nick Tucker but he's another story).
Kush's biggest problem was another student, "Party" Artie Cisco. Artie who lived in Chelsea, (walking distance from school) was the king of the jet-setters. At six-foot three, this enormous gym rat worked as a nightclub bouncer and liked to boast that he had been a collector for the mob.
 |
| WAY BEFORE I HEARD OF STEROIDS OR HUMAN GROWTH HORMONES, PARTY ARTIE (stock photo above, not him) WAS THE BIGGEST GUY I KNEW. THE ULTIMATE CONTRADICTION, ARTIE WAS A DOPEY, WORK-OUT JUNKIE WHO EPITOMIZED THE "JERSEY SHORE" MENTALITY. HE SPOKE OF THE HEALTHY BENEFITS OF DIET AND EXERCISE WHILE PREACHING ABOUT VITAMINS AND NUTRITIONAL SUPPLEMENTS. YET HE SMOKED UNFILTERED PALL MALLS LIKE A FIEND, BRAGGED ABOUT "RECREATIONAL" DRUG USE AND DRANK LIKE A FISH. |
Artie, in a strange off and on relationship, dated the school's receptionist, Phyllis. He was her cocaine connection and she proved she'd do anything to keep the nose-candy pipeline open. So when he got bored with her, to keep on his good side, he encouraged her to "do" several of his cronies and some school officials. The regularity of her random partners earned her Artie's nickname, "Sif-Phyllis" or simply Sif, (which Artie freely called her and she never objected to).
The last thing Barney Kush needed was something else to obsess over. But when he heard that this hottie was getting "tapped" by so many guys...he wanted "in" too.
Phyllis, like everyone else couldn't stand Barney. Far worse, she was nauseated by his pushy advances. She didn't complain to school administrators, she took her grievances to Artie. To show how messed-up Barney was...even with his new black eye and bloody lip, he still coveted Phyllis and never stopped being condescending towards Artie and anyone who stood in his way.
 |
| IS IT GOOD MEDICINE? TODAY, OVER SIX MILLION AMERICAN CHILDREN (EVEN TWO-YEAR OLDS) ARE BEING FORCE-FED CONTROVERSIAL, POWERFUL, TOXIC, PSYCHIATRIC MEDS, LIKE RITALIN. LORD KNOWS WHAT WAS WRONG (IF ANYTHING), WITH BARNEY KUSH BUT IF RITALIN WOULD HAVE HELPED HIM, THEY SHOULD HAVE PRESCRIBED HIM A DAILY BUCKET FULL. |
Artie, like most students, took the longest, most expensive package of all four casino games. He saved the most difficult, craps, for last. Learning to deal craps DID NOT come naturally to me. But in my defense, only a few such such as Barney Kush stood-out as talented. For the vast majority, getting the knack was a slow process. Additionally, a small amount of others, gave the impression that they weren't bright enough to ever "get it."
It was apparent that "Party" Artie Cisco despite his humor and enough charisma for the rest of the school, would never "get it." This hulk lacked the mental agility to quickly solve simple craps arithmetic and lacked the fine motor skills to handle casino chips, (I can't imagine him getting through roulette on swagger alone).
It was apparent that "Party" Artie Cisco despite his humor and enough charisma for the rest of the school, would never "get it." This hulk lacked the mental agility to quickly solve simple craps arithmetic and lacked the fine motor skills to handle casino chips, (I can't imagine him getting through roulette on swagger alone).
The only time I saw Artie's cocksure personality go flaccid was during his daily twenty-minute turn as the dealer, in our mock craps games. He always failed miserably as he fumbled with the chips and math. The rest of the class patiently waited when Artie was stuck, (they were afraid to trigger his intense temper). But Barney was quick to criticize. For it, he earned many bruises.
To me, it was funnier to watch Barney while the big fella experienced vapor-lock. He had learned the hard way to not embarrass Artie. So as Kush struggled to resist making corrections, I watched his face twitch and body contort while every fiber of his being wanted to spring over the table to "help."
To me, it was funnier to watch Barney while the big fella experienced vapor-lock. He had learned the hard way to not embarrass Artie. So as Kush struggled to resist making corrections, I watched his face twitch and body contort while every fiber of his being wanted to spring over the table to "help."
Once Barney suggested that Artie would be better served by giving up his cherished dealing time, to him. That way, Artie could learn more by watching a pro. This insulted Mitch the instructor but he didn't intercede.
Cisco who had cause to punch this weasel every day would have been justified to break Barney's jaw. Instead, he took pause to indecisively think it over.
Barney sensed he was getting away with murder and crowed, "The class would learn more about dealing craps by watching me...especially Artie."
Artie was still waffling over the proposition and whimpered, "I should concentrate more on blackjack. So, it would be better for me to watch." Barney hustled to take over. Kush had no internal shut-off switch and shoved the dumb lummox when he didn't step aside. Reflexively, Artie shot both palms into Barney's shoulders. You could see the whiplash-effect as Barney's neck snapped back before being sent crashing to the ground.
In a sincere voice Barney to his feet and said, "If you're serious about learning, during the break on Monday, I'll give you some real craps drills and a one-on-one 'ultra workout.' Which is more than this 'gentleman' would ever do, (as he pointed to Mitch)."
Barney Kush knew Artie Cisco better than Artie did. These promised work-outs never happened because during most breaks, Artie was addicted to the dime-a-point Hearts game that was played in the break room.
This break room was an open-ended alcove that overlooked the casino-like classroom. Crammed into this space was an el-shaped formation of four vending machines, two round tables with chairs and a counter with five bar stools.
Artie and his jet-set crew played their Hearts game on the table closer to classroom. Like a minor league, the other table also played hearts but not for money.
Before I enrolled, Barney Kush was excluded from the cash game. In addition to never shutting up, the regularity of his tics, shudders and suppressed fits ruined the concentration of the players. Plus, the quirkiness of his OCD? required him to stack his nickels and dimes in precise formations...that were never quite precise enough to satisfy his problem. More importantly, he was always broke due to a sports betting problem. By this time, everyone knew Barney was a bad risk. He tried to play on credit but had welshed on some petty debts, (he could have played for free at the other table but he was driven by a fear that Phyllis wouldn't associate him with the elite).
Kush was relegated to watching the game. Once, he positioned himself behind Cisco. His constant movement unnerved Artie who squawked, "Damn cockroach, scram!" Barney drifted behind other players. They shooed him when they couldn't take his kibbitzing.
Kush returned to Artie and noodged him about his poor strategy.
Cisco generally ignored such badgering but he was on a long losing streak and growled, "Beat it skidmark."
Kush countered, "At least I have a clue how to play cards. You're a friggin' whale. If this was real money, these bozos would rent a limo to make sure you got to the games on time."
Artie Cisco said, "You musta gotten beat-up a lot as a kid...whether you needed it or not."
The other players were all smiles as Barney scoffed, "Yeah right."
Artie shot up out of his seat, grabbed a bar stool and swung it at Barney's head.
Kush laughed as he scurried into the classroom. But he made a quick u-turn after crossing paths with Phyllis the receptionist.
Under the pretense of wanting a candy bar, Phyllis came to hang-out with Artie and the jet-setters. Barney followed and was obnoxious as he bobbed and weaved between people so she would notice him. During the building drama of the next hand, Phyllis wasn't getting the attention she was craving and said to another player, "I want uh Almond Joy but I ain't got no change..." The game continued and nobody, (including penniless Kush), responded. Seconds later, Artie got stuck with the queen, (he was the big loser, again). Out of frustration, he emptied his arsenal of profanity. The room went mute, to avoid adding gas to this fiery rant.
Phyllis broke the temporary calm by holding out a five-dollar bill and carping, "Ar-dee, I doan want it fuh nuthin', I jus' need change."
Artie had an odd smile as he raised up out of his seat and sneered, "You want a friggin' Almond Joy?"
She perked up, "Uh-huh. The one with the nuts."
The Goliath reached around the candy machine. With a Herculean grunt, he pinned the over-sized dead weight against the wall and lifted it off the ground. Pulsating veins were protruding from Cisco's neck and forehead as he heavily dropped the machine. Artie repeated the process. Others from the classroom and office hurried over to see what the loud commotion was all about. On the third try, like hitting a slot machine, a jackpot of candies fell into the hopper as a flood of quarters spit onto the floor.
Cisco bragged, "They don't call me Party Artie for nuthin'," as he pulled out two Hershey bars, a bag of chips and a roll of Life-Savers. He laughed, "Sorry Sif, we're all out of Almond Joys." He gave the bounty to Phyllis, put his arm around her waist and led her away as his hand slid down to her butt.
The second Artie's back was turned, Barney dove on the floor and started picking up coins.
Cisco looked back and yelled, "You low-life scum! This is for G. P." Artie grabbed the back of Kush's collar, lifted him up, pushed him against the soda machine and smashed his face with one colossal punch.
The next day, the vending machines were bolted to the wall. Plus, Barney had two shiners and a huge bandage over his broken nose...but he never spoke of the incident.
At the end of October, Artie graduated and presumably kept working locally until his New Jersey gaming license was approved. So the daily sideshow between he and Barney ended.
Barney Kush's last day came just before Christmas. He was whining because Billy Ayzarian, (the school's director and job placement officer), refused to recommend Barney to any casino in Las Vegas.
The re-telling of this saga got old fast as each person coming in was verbally harassed until it ended with, "Billy called me a liability to his reputation. That putting his name on me would make the school look bad. Hell, I'm the best craps dealer to EVER come out of this dump. And now, that dick is avoiding me."
Suddenly, the door from the reception area burst open.
Kevin, a former student, (a stranger to me), charged into the classroom waving a sheet of paper and ranted, "Where's Billy?"
The craps instructor said, "Did you ask Phyllis?"
Kevin kicked over a trashcan and screamed, "There's nobody out there!"
Billy Ayzarian rushed in with Phyllis, (her blouse misbuttoned and her hair a mess), a few steps behind.
Ayzarian was a plump, sixty-plus, balding, cigar chomper and supreme ruler of the school. His doughy, pale face was fixed on the irate graduate until he arched his thick black uni-brow above his left eye and demanded, "Get out!"
The victim kept shouting, "Where the fuck do you get off telling people that this shit-house is recognized by the State of New Jersey? "He pointed to his paper and announced to the students who now encircled him, "I have a copy of the Jersey Casino Control Commission regs right here."
Billy said, "I never said that! It isn't written in any of our literature and no enrollment counselor ever made such a claim."
"No you didn't, you goddamned thief, but you implied it. That's deceptive trade practice. I'll sue you and the school..."
The supreme ruler interrupted, "Shut-up!" He snapped his fingers and told Mitch, "Call security, have this ass-hole thrown...I mean...have this gentleman, escorted out."
The students were buzzing after everything settled down but no one was happier than Barney Kush.
He confronted Phyllis and said, "Your boyfriend is gonna have to start all over, redo all the classes...and PAY again!"
Phyllis phoned Artie right in front of Barney but she lied, "Ar-Dee that fuckin' skeeve Barney Kush just copped a feel off my boobs."
Kush couldn't hear Artie slam the phone and laughed, "Your bluffing. Yeah right, that imbecile is coming up here to kick my ass."
Phyllis did not remind Barney that Artie lived two city-blocks and five short blocks away. Kush was still laughing when he spotted Ayzarian and hustled to confront him.
Barney used grating persuasion during the ten-minute negotiation.
Billy lashed out at Barney's screwy personality and said, "Jerk-offs like you don't last long in this racket."
Beaten-down, Billy eventually relented and agreed to write him a letter of introduction to the El Cortez Casino in Vegas.
Maybe Billy softened because if there was a lawsuit, he would need as much positive notoriety for the school's job placement service as he could get.
Barney remained calm and said, "I'll wait right here until you write the letter and Phyllis types it up."
A half hour later, in the reception area Kush was pacing in front of Phyllis. That's when the elevator door opened and Artie charged through the open door of the school. Barney raced into the classroom but there wasn't a back door. Trapped, he tried to hide between vending machines but Artie tracked him down.
"She's full of shit, I never touched her."
"You fuckin' moron, get ready to say good-bye to your head."
Artie was seething as he inched closer until Barney said, "Moron? Look whose calling who a moron. The real reason Phyllis called you, was to kick the crap out of Billy. Remember Kevin from Hoboken, well he came in and said this school isn't accredited..."
Phyllis cried, "It's true..."
The behemoth pushed Barney Kush against the wall, jammed his huge, left forearm under Kush's chin and began lifting him off the ground. Barney was choking as Artie cocked his right fist.
Phyllis grabbed Artie arm, "Don't you'll go to fuckin' jail. You want Billy and he just ran outta here."
Artie Cisco relaxed his grip and released Barney Kush. Barney's was gasping for air as he crumpled to the ground. Artie and Phyllis embraced and both began to cry. Kush's whole body was quivering as he was helped up by Nick Tucker and Tish. On his own, he staggered a few feet before slithering through the sea of onlookers.
Phyllis pulled away and said, "Barney, Mr. Ayzarian signed your letter, it's on my desk."
*
I never saw Artie Cisco again or heard whatever happened to him. My guess is, if he really had been an underworld collector, when he caught-up with Billy Ayzarian, his tuition, if not more (for pain and suffering) would have been reimbursed...even if it meant Billy paying from his own pocket.
Further, if those ties to criminality had the slightest loose ends, his chance of getting a casino license in New Jersey would have been greatly diminished whether he retook all those classes or not.
Barney Kush's story continued in Las Vegas. My January 27, 2014 blog, "THE COCKAMAMIE KID," does examine how spot-on Billy Ayzarian was when he said, "Jerk-offs like you don't last long in this racket."
Barney sensed he was getting away with murder and crowed, "The class would learn more about dealing craps by watching me...especially Artie."
 |
| IF NOT FOR KUSH'S ECCENTRIC BEHAVIOR AND PECULIAR PERSONALITY, IT WAS INDEED BENEFICIAL TO WATCH HIM DEAL. THE JERK THRIVED IN THE PRESSURIZED , FRENETIC PACE AND EASILY MADE SENSE OF INCREDIBLE CHAOS. MANY CLASSMATES WERE MESMERIZED TOO AND FANTASIZED ABOUT BEING AS GOOD AS HIM. |
In a sincere voice Barney to his feet and said, "If you're serious about learning, during the break on Monday, I'll give you some real craps drills and a one-on-one 'ultra workout.' Which is more than this 'gentleman' would ever do, (as he pointed to Mitch)."
Barney Kush knew Artie Cisco better than Artie did. These promised work-outs never happened because during most breaks, Artie was addicted to the dime-a-point Hearts game that was played in the break room.
 |
| HEARTS IS BEST SUITED FOR FOUR PLAYERS. AT FIVE MINUTES PER HAND, THIS EVASION-TYPE, TRICK TAKING GAME IS IDEAL FOR KILLING SHORT PERIODS OF TIME. THE OBJECT IS TO AVOID THE HEARTS (ONE POINT EACH AND THE QUEEN OF SPADES, THIRTEEN POINTS). |
This break room was an open-ended alcove that overlooked the casino-like classroom. Crammed into this space was an el-shaped formation of four vending machines, two round tables with chairs and a counter with five bar stools.
Artie and his jet-set crew played their Hearts game on the table closer to classroom. Like a minor league, the other table also played hearts but not for money.
Before I enrolled, Barney Kush was excluded from the cash game. In addition to never shutting up, the regularity of his tics, shudders and suppressed fits ruined the concentration of the players. Plus, the quirkiness of his OCD? required him to stack his nickels and dimes in precise formations...that were never quite precise enough to satisfy his problem. More importantly, he was always broke due to a sports betting problem. By this time, everyone knew Barney was a bad risk. He tried to play on credit but had welshed on some petty debts, (he could have played for free at the other table but he was driven by a fear that Phyllis wouldn't associate him with the elite).
Kush was relegated to watching the game. Once, he positioned himself behind Cisco. His constant movement unnerved Artie who squawked, "Damn cockroach, scram!" Barney drifted behind other players. They shooed him when they couldn't take his kibbitzing.
 |
| "KIBBITZING," IS UNSOLICITED OR WANTED OR UNHELPFUL ADVICE FROM SPECTATORS, ESPECIALLY DURING CARD GAMES. |
Kush returned to Artie and noodged him about his poor strategy.
Cisco generally ignored such badgering but he was on a long losing streak and growled, "Beat it skidmark."
Kush countered, "At least I have a clue how to play cards. You're a friggin' whale. If this was real money, these bozos would rent a limo to make sure you got to the games on time."
 |
| A "WHALE" IS CASINO SLANG FOR A BIG MONEY GAMBLER WHO CONSISTENTLY LOSES DUE TO POOR STRATEGY, POOR DISCIPLINE OR WOULD RATHER BE SEEN PLAYING BIG MONEY THAN WINNING BIG MONEY. |
The other players were all smiles as Barney scoffed, "Yeah right."
Artie shot up out of his seat, grabbed a bar stool and swung it at Barney's head.
Kush laughed as he scurried into the classroom. But he made a quick u-turn after crossing paths with Phyllis the receptionist.
Under the pretense of wanting a candy bar, Phyllis came to hang-out with Artie and the jet-setters. Barney followed and was obnoxious as he bobbed and weaved between people so she would notice him. During the building drama of the next hand, Phyllis wasn't getting the attention she was craving and said to another player, "I want uh Almond Joy but I ain't got no change..." The game continued and nobody, (including penniless Kush), responded. Seconds later, Artie got stuck with the queen, (he was the big loser, again). Out of frustration, he emptied his arsenal of profanity. The room went mute, to avoid adding gas to this fiery rant.
Phyllis broke the temporary calm by holding out a five-dollar bill and carping, "Ar-dee, I doan want it fuh nuthin', I jus' need change."
Artie had an odd smile as he raised up out of his seat and sneered, "You want a friggin' Almond Joy?"
She perked up, "Uh-huh. The one with the nuts."
The Goliath reached around the candy machine. With a Herculean grunt, he pinned the over-sized dead weight against the wall and lifted it off the ground. Pulsating veins were protruding from Cisco's neck and forehead as he heavily dropped the machine. Artie repeated the process. Others from the classroom and office hurried over to see what the loud commotion was all about. On the third try, like hitting a slot machine, a jackpot of candies fell into the hopper as a flood of quarters spit onto the floor.
Cisco bragged, "They don't call me Party Artie for nuthin'," as he pulled out two Hershey bars, a bag of chips and a roll of Life-Savers. He laughed, "Sorry Sif, we're all out of Almond Joys." He gave the bounty to Phyllis, put his arm around her waist and led her away as his hand slid down to her butt.
The second Artie's back was turned, Barney dove on the floor and started picking up coins.
Cisco looked back and yelled, "You low-life scum! This is for G. P." Artie grabbed the back of Kush's collar, lifted him up, pushed him against the soda machine and smashed his face with one colossal punch.
The next day, the vending machines were bolted to the wall. Plus, Barney had two shiners and a huge bandage over his broken nose...but he never spoke of the incident.
At the end of October, Artie graduated and presumably kept working locally until his New Jersey gaming license was approved. So the daily sideshow between he and Barney ended.
Barney Kush's last day came just before Christmas. He was whining because Billy Ayzarian, (the school's director and job placement officer), refused to recommend Barney to any casino in Las Vegas.
The re-telling of this saga got old fast as each person coming in was verbally harassed until it ended with, "Billy called me a liability to his reputation. That putting his name on me would make the school look bad. Hell, I'm the best craps dealer to EVER come out of this dump. And now, that dick is avoiding me."
Suddenly, the door from the reception area burst open.
Kevin, a former student, (a stranger to me), charged into the classroom waving a sheet of paper and ranted, "Where's Billy?"
The craps instructor said, "Did you ask Phyllis?"
Kevin kicked over a trashcan and screamed, "There's nobody out there!"
Billy Ayzarian rushed in with Phyllis, (her blouse misbuttoned and her hair a mess), a few steps behind.
Ayzarian was a plump, sixty-plus, balding, cigar chomper and supreme ruler of the school. His doughy, pale face was fixed on the irate graduate until he arched his thick black uni-brow above his left eye and demanded, "Get out!"
The victim kept shouting, "Where the fuck do you get off telling people that this shit-house is recognized by the State of New Jersey? "He pointed to his paper and announced to the students who now encircled him, "I have a copy of the Jersey Casino Control Commission regs right here."
Billy said, "I never said that! It isn't written in any of our literature and no enrollment counselor ever made such a claim."
"No you didn't, you goddamned thief, but you implied it. That's deceptive trade practice. I'll sue you and the school..."
The supreme ruler interrupted, "Shut-up!" He snapped his fingers and told Mitch, "Call security, have this ass-hole thrown...I mean...have this gentleman, escorted out."
The students were buzzing after everything settled down but no one was happier than Barney Kush.
He confronted Phyllis and said, "Your boyfriend is gonna have to start all over, redo all the classes...and PAY again!"
Phyllis phoned Artie right in front of Barney but she lied, "Ar-Dee that fuckin' skeeve Barney Kush just copped a feel off my boobs."
Kush couldn't hear Artie slam the phone and laughed, "Your bluffing. Yeah right, that imbecile is coming up here to kick my ass."
Phyllis did not remind Barney that Artie lived two city-blocks and five short blocks away. Kush was still laughing when he spotted Ayzarian and hustled to confront him.
Barney used grating persuasion during the ten-minute negotiation.
Billy lashed out at Barney's screwy personality and said, "Jerk-offs like you don't last long in this racket."
Beaten-down, Billy eventually relented and agreed to write him a letter of introduction to the El Cortez Casino in Vegas.
Maybe Billy softened because if there was a lawsuit, he would need as much positive notoriety for the school's job placement service as he could get.
Barney remained calm and said, "I'll wait right here until you write the letter and Phyllis types it up."
A half hour later, in the reception area Kush was pacing in front of Phyllis. That's when the elevator door opened and Artie charged through the open door of the school. Barney raced into the classroom but there wasn't a back door. Trapped, he tried to hide between vending machines but Artie tracked him down.
"She's full of shit, I never touched her."
"You fuckin' moron, get ready to say good-bye to your head."
Artie was seething as he inched closer until Barney said, "Moron? Look whose calling who a moron. The real reason Phyllis called you, was to kick the crap out of Billy. Remember Kevin from Hoboken, well he came in and said this school isn't accredited..."
Phyllis cried, "It's true..."
The behemoth pushed Barney Kush against the wall, jammed his huge, left forearm under Kush's chin and began lifting him off the ground. Barney was choking as Artie cocked his right fist.
Phyllis grabbed Artie arm, "Don't you'll go to fuckin' jail. You want Billy and he just ran outta here."
Artie Cisco relaxed his grip and released Barney Kush. Barney's was gasping for air as he crumpled to the ground. Artie and Phyllis embraced and both began to cry. Kush's whole body was quivering as he was helped up by Nick Tucker and Tish. On his own, he staggered a few feet before slithering through the sea of onlookers.
Phyllis pulled away and said, "Barney, Mr. Ayzarian signed your letter, it's on my desk."
*
I never saw Artie Cisco again or heard whatever happened to him. My guess is, if he really had been an underworld collector, when he caught-up with Billy Ayzarian, his tuition, if not more (for pain and suffering) would have been reimbursed...even if it meant Billy paying from his own pocket.
Further, if those ties to criminality had the slightest loose ends, his chance of getting a casino license in New Jersey would have been greatly diminished whether he retook all those classes or not.
Barney Kush's story continued in Las Vegas. My January 27, 2014 blog, "THE COCKAMAMIE KID," does examine how spot-on Billy Ayzarian was when he said, "Jerk-offs like you don't last long in this racket."
1 comment:
Is it just me or does it seem like the crazies are drawn to you, or maybe the other way around? It definitely makes for good stories.
Jim Thorpe
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