"SAVING MR. BANKS"

I don’t know how it was at your house…but at mine, my mother was always right. And, I don’t mean in a tyrannical dictator way, I mean she had an uncanny intellect/talent.

Before I was ten, these abilities translated into an almost mystical power. Luckily, my mom used her dynamic supremacy like a superhero because in the hands of evil…well let’s just say not all children experience love or lead magically happy lives.

Of course as a moronic little bugger, I frequently misinterpreted her genius. So when I challenged mom’s omnipotence…I paid the price. So when I told her I lost something, (a key, a quarter or some such nonsense) she’d automatically say, “Where was it when you had it last?” Being a wise-guy at an early age I’d crack, “If I knew where I had it, when I had it last…I wouldn’t be looking for it.” After a dirty look mom would say, “Did you check the pockets of what you wore yesterday?” I’d snarl, “Yeah.” She’d snarl back, “Well check them again!” Like I said, it was almost paranormal how often she was right. Even though I profited by her wisdom, behind her back, out of frustration, I would crinkle my nose or stick out my tongue. Unbelievably, it was like her gift included having eyes in the back of her head because she’d growl, “Watch it young man.”

Yes mom knew best. I remember trying to order a meatloaf sandwich in a greasy spoon diner. Mom said, “Meatloaf is already all bread, get something else.” I wasn’t sharp enough to analyze the ingredients, but I was smart enough to withhold my opinion that if she thought meatloaf was all bread… that meant she was crazy.

Mom’s tact to end my nail biting habit had a similar theme. She’d tell me a million reasons why it was a bad idea but those pleasant explanations never “hit” home. She even said, “You love yourself, right?” It was obvious from her tone that I was being led down the Primrose Path of manipulation but how could I say no to such a loaded question. I said, “Yes.” She said, “Would you ever chew on your bones?” I pictured my skin ripped off and me gnawing on my arm bone and said, “No.” She said, “Right. Because you know, fingernails are made of the same stuff as bones…so biting your nails is the same thing as biting your bones...and chewing on your bones would harm you…and people shouldn’t harm themselves.” Again, I thought she was out of her mind because I knew nails weren’t bones. But I thought it best to avoid a war and decided to pick a better battle in the future. I bleated, “I wouldn’t want to harm myself…”

My wanton disregard for following her fingernail orders morphed mom’s intellect into physical threats, (this was a time when it wasn’t taboo for a parent to publicly beat sense into their brats), and therefore my mother’s rare smacks to my head were comparatively the act of a kindly princess. So unless you are the rebellious type, (and I wasn’t), I learned the Pavlovian response to nail biting and kicked the habit in near record time.

I remember how bad of an idea it was when I tested mom’s intelligence. I wasn’t a good student. But in Hebrew school, I was terrible. I once took home a report card with U’s for reading, writing, history and conduct. Plus, I wasn’t bright enough to see the report card’s legend was restricted to E=Excellent, G=Good, F=Fair and U=Unsatisfactory.

I knew I was going to get my head handed to me anyway, so I stupidly rolled the dice and drew little black circles around each red U.

My mother saw my awful grades and went off on me. I said, “Wait a minute, those aren’t U’s!” To bolster my cause, I had used one of the few bits that I had picked up about my culture…a circled “U” on food packages was a symbol for purity, (a good thing).

JEWISH DIETARY LAW REQUIRES THAT ALL FOODS CONFORM TO STRICT REGULATIONS.  TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT THE PRODUCT HAS ANSWERED TO THIS HIGHER AUTHORITY, TWO MAIN SYMBOLS ARE USED ON FOOD LABELS; AN UPPER CASE K OR A CIRCLED U, (above).

I used the meager knowledge I had of my ancestors when I proudly announced, “Those aren’t ‘U’s,’ they’re ‘koshers.’” Well, on that occasion, mom’s wrath didn’t take the form of a single smack in the head….so much for dynamic supremacy.

All this takes us to Brooklyn’s Nostrand Theater (movie house). The Nostrand (in Flatbush, just off Kings Highway) was a relatively new theater. It was built way after the opulent movie palaces of the depression-era that for a few pennies, helped promote escapism in the form of an all-day outing, (double feature, newsreel, serial and cartoons). And it came into being way before the idea of the tiny, cookie-cutter multiplex theaters.

THE NOSTRAND THEATER OPENED ON JUNE 18, 1961. IN ONE OF THE MOST VIVID DREAMS I EVER HAD, I WALKED BY IT, ON MY WAY TO AN EXOTIC PET STORE THAT FEATURED MNIATURE, BLUE ELEPHANTS. ON JANUARY 23, 2012, I WROTE A BLOG CALLED, "TELEPHONE CALL FOR DR. FREUD, DR. SIGMUND FREUD, TELEPHONE."  YOU MAY RECALL, THAT DREAM ENDED WITH ME GETTING CHASED THROUGH A HAY FIELD BY CHARLES MANSON AND HIS GIRL POSSE.

I only have two memories of being in the Nostrand. Once when I was on a date in college and the other from 1964, (the date in college is completely unimportant). In 1964, my mother took me, kicking, screaming and crying to see, “MARY POPPINS.”

This was a time when few movies were made specifically for kids. The Disney studio was basically the only game in town and they weren’t cranking-out many. In fact, most of what they did produce had a limited audience, was childish or wasn’t especially clever. So with that in mind, at nine-years old, I thought something called Mary Poppins was a threat to my budding manliness.

MOM TOLD ME THAT I WOULD LOVE THIS MOVIE BECAUSE MARY POPPINS COULD FLY.  THE ONLY WAY MOM WOULD HAVE HAD A CASE...WOULD HAVE BEEN IF MARY COULD FLY WHILE WRESTLING GIANT SQUIDS.

I wanted to see John Wayne on the silver screen or at least Kirk Douglas or Burt Lancaster. I liked the blood and guts of war movies, the chase scenes in cops and robbers dramas, the action of westerns, the scariness in horror flicks or the excitement of adventure tales…not some girlie musical crap!

ANYTHING, EVEN A DUBBED JAPANESE DISASTER FILM NARRATED BY RAYOND BURR WOULD HAVE HAVE BEEN A MILLION TIMES BETTER THAN A MOVIE ABOUT AN ENGLISH NANNY.

We were still in the theater’s parking lot as I adamantly stuck to my guns. Well, I chose the wrong battle…and in the privacy of the car…I was told if I didn’t stop crying, I’d be given something that would really make me cry. Hence, I REALLY cried.

In the crowded balcony, I plopped in my chair and slunk down low. Mom realized that I was a dude with a "tude" so she switched our usual; me, dad, her and my sister seating arrangement. Like a personal prison guard, my mother sat next to me. I imagined her armed with an open hand, cocked, ready to slap me into further obedience. If ever I could have used the comfort of some nail biting…this was the time. Bad choice, the smack in my head was indeed hard and swift. I made sure that didn’t happen again. Instead my ensuing huffy protest took the form of hardcore sulking and full-blown whining, (I don’t know how she could stand THAT…I’m thrilled my son didn’t inherit those annoying genes from me).

All through the “coming attractions,” the opening credits and into the early portion of the film, I continued my nearly silent, pestering objections. Mom’s superior intellect allowed her to ignore me. But then something strange happened. Like the children in the movie who wanted no part of Mary Poppins, I started to come around. Just imagine someone you really can’t stand telling a joke. You wouldn’t want to give that person the satisfaction of seeing you laugh but if that joke was so incredibly funny…you’d be powerless not to laugh.

I tried so hard to hate the movie…but I couldn’t even be indifferent or like it just a little…I LOVED every bit of Mary Poppins. At some point mom saw me tapping my toes, sitting at the edge of my seat and laughing. She whispered, “See, I was right…” To avoid missing even a nanosecond of the show, I reversed my usual tendency by not reverting to being miserable…and spewed a quick admission that I was wrong.

When I became a father, the magical joy of Mary Poppins was repeated for my son Andrew. From when he was two until about seven, our VHS tape was worn thin by his repeated viewings. And unlike “BARNEY” I gladly watched it over and over with him.

“Mary Poppins” spoke for itself but if my son needed an extra incentive to watch, the opening scene included a Yorkie puppy named Andrew.

THIS YORKSHIRE TERRIER PUP IS MENTIONED BY NAME IN THE OPENING PARK SCENE, (above) AND ONCE MORE LATER IN THE MOVIE.  YESTERDAY, I CAUGHT MY SON OFF-GUARD AND ASKED IF HE REMEMBERED THE DOG'S NAME...AND HE DID.

Nearly every song in the movie is memorable. So much so that when Andrew and I used the seesaw in the playground, it became our tradition to sing the, “LET’S GO FLY A KITE,” song. That song was so entertaining that even though I never flew a kite in my life, it didn’t matter.

NOTHING SEEMED MORE BORING AND SENSELESS THAN WATCHING MY FRIENDS TRYING TO FLY A KITE.  MY SKEPTICISM WAS ALWAYS PROVEN RIGHT BECAUSE ON MY STREET IN CANARSIE, THEIR KITE WOULD EITHER GET CAUGHT IN A TREE OR TANGLED IN THE ELECTRICAL WIRES.

Now I am thrilled to say, Mary Poppins has struck again. This time, in the form of a new movie called, “SAVING MR. BANKS,” that describes the twenty years of hardship Walt Disney endured before getting the rights from author P. L. Travers, to make the movie.

Set in 1961, "Saving Mr. Banks," includes many flashbacks to the early 1900’s. Walt Disney (portrayed by Tom Hanks) had long envisioned making Mary Poppins into a classic. But (Australian born) P. L. Travers, (played by Emma Thompson) won't budge. However, this curmudgeonly spinster (living in Lindon) has lived handsomely off the royalties from her Poppins books, now sees that income dwindling.

TOM HANKS TAKES A BACK SEAT TO EMMA THOMPSON (1959-PRESENT).  ALTHOUGH I NEVER HEARD OF THIS ACTRESS, COMEDIAN AND AUTHOR BEFORE, HER LENGTHY CREDITS INCLUDE; THREE "HARRY POTTER" MOVIES, (THAT I SAW).  I HOPE HER TREMENDOUS PERFORMANCE EARNS HER STRONG CONSIDERATION FOR AN OSCAR. 

Travers flies to Hollywood (actual Burbank). Deep down, she has no intention of relenting. She is going on this “fool’s errand” to appease her manager. Travers makes outlandish demands. Walt Disney is desperate and agrees to the most ridiculous…like NOT including the color red in any portion of the production.

Walt Disney calls her bluff.  He gets his foot in the door and introduces Travers to the storyline and inner workings of the movie. Travers sees the magic that goes into film making. And like me when I was nine and slouched in my seat at the Nostrand Theater, Travers is slowly swayed by the positive energy of the movie’s potential.

To push Travers further along, Walt takes her to Disneyland.  At first she is appalled by the commercialism. But again, she softens her stance, gradually becomes agreeable and borders on being enthusiastic.

"SAVING MR. BANKS" WORKED FOR ME ON SO MANY LEVELS.  THE FACT THAT I CONSIDER MYSELF A WRITER AND THAT I CAN RELATE TO HER CHERISHING THE PRISTINE NATURE OF HER WORK SHOULD NOT BE OVERLOOKED...BUT I ALSO WAS A DISNEY EMPLOYEE (above) IN 1974.  AND THE DISNEYLAND SEQUENCE BROUGHT BACK A GUSH OF TENDER MEMORIES FOR ME.

I don’t want to spoil “Saving Mr. Banks” plot but a major philosophical difference erupts between Travers and Disney that results in her angrily returning to London. Walt Disney flies out on the next flight and appears at her door. The two put on invisible boxing gloves and duke-it-out. Walt rips underneath her protective layering and exposes an inner angst (the flashbacks to her youth). He mentions his rough childhood without revealing the research he did to understand hers. He says he could have sold the Mickey Mouse concept when he was struggling but didn’t because Mickey was like family and too much a part of him. Walt's sensitivities struck a chord with Travers.

Travers grudgingly sold the movie rights. Still, Disney is not convinced that she is completely “on-board” with the project. He's afraid she would ruin the pomp and circumstance of the grandiose Grauman’s Chinese Theater premiere and intentionally does not invite her.

GRAUMAN'S CHINESE THEATER IS FAMOUS FOR HOSTING MAJOR MOVIE PREMIERES.  FOR THAT PURPOSE, IT DEBUTED ON MAY 18, 1927 WITH CECIL B. DeMILLE'S, "THE KING OF KINGS."  SINCE THEN, ITS LOCATION ALONG, "THE HOLLYWOOD WALK OF FAME," HAS BECOME AN ICONIC TOURIST DESTINATION. BACK IN THE DAY, CELEBRITIES CLAMBERED TO HAVE THEIR FOOT PRINTS (OR OTHER BODY PARTS) IMMORTALIZED IN THE CONCRETE SLABS OUT FRONT.

Disney cringes that despite not being invited, Travers shows up in California on her own. To save face, Walt blames the US postal service for losing her invitation. We all know how “Saving Mr. Banks” ends because we know that “Mary Poppins” ranks as one of the greatest children’s movies of all time. But I think it’s safe to say that Travers had her trepidations about watching the finished product come alive on the big screen.

Like me at the Nostrand, she wasn’t thrilled after sitting down in Grauman's. In the early stages of the film, she felt her life’s work was being disrespected. Perhaps she was too British to cause a scene or afraid Walt Disney (sitting behind her and undoubtedly biting his fingernails) would smack her in the head.

AT AGE 53, WALT DISNEY (1901-1966).  HIS LEGACY REMAINS INCREDIBLY STRONG.  DISNEY CORPORATE REVENUE IN 2010 WAS APPROXIMATELY $36 BILLION.

Either way, Travers' patience paid off because soon, she was tapping her toes, sitting up in her seat, laughing...and crying in happiness...over the delicate care her prized possession received from the Disney staff.

Go find “Mary Poppins” and watch it with your kids. Then see, “Saving Mr. Banks” with or without your children.

DAVID TOMLINSON,(1917-2000) WAS A CHARACTER ACTOR BEST KNOWN FOR HIS ROLES AS AN AUTHORITY FIGURE. HE WAS THE UNSUNG HERO AS MR. BANKS, IN THE ORIGINAL, "MARY POPPINS."

I don’t know how it was at your house but I guarantee, somewhere, my mother is nodding in approval and proud of me, (I told you she was always right). Maybe when you re-examine your mom, you'll gain a better understanding of her too. And if that wasn’t enough…you just might find it in your heart to walk out of the theater with a deeper appreciation of your father too.

SEVENTY-FIVE YEARS OLD AND STILL THE TOUGHEST GUY IN THE BAR.

At the end of March, my wife and I saw the new Tina Fey movie, "ADMISSIONS." In so doing, we shared the unique experience of being the only people in the theater. 

TINA FEY AND I HAVE THE SAME BIRTHDAY.  BUT THAT POSITIVE KARMA AND HER VAST TALENT COULDN'T UPLIFT THIS BARELY BETTER THAN DISMAL MOVIE.

I guess the "avoid the movie" memo didn't filter down to us because it was a bland romantic-comedy without much romance and a lot less humor.  Even if you chose to see an inner, deeper meaning...there wasn't much to work with there either. Towards the end, I realized that we should have read the reviews first.  In that moment, I thought of Roger Ebert.

Other than wasting $21.00 on the movie tickets, two other unfortunate items were in the news this week.  First, in a terrible coincidence, Roger Ebert seemingly on cue, passed away.

EBERT (1942-2013) WAS A MOVIE CRITIC FOR THE CHICAGO SUN-TIMES FROM 1967-TO PRESENT.  HE WAS THE FIRST IN HIS FIELD (1975) TO WIN A PULITZER PRIZE AND FIRST CRITIC TO HAVE A STAR ON THE HOLLYWOOD WALK OF FAME.

When teamed up with Gene Siskel on TV, it seemed that I always agreed with Ebert's reviews.  He seemed less stuffy and that regular guy attitude (someone who just loved movies like me) is exemplified by this quote, "I learned to be a movie critic by reading Mad magazine... Mad's parodies made me aware of the machine inside the skin – of the way a movie might look original on the outside, while inside it was just recycling the same old dumb formulas. I did not read the magazine, I plundered it for clues to the universe. Pauline Kael lost it at the movies; I lost it at Mad magazine."

The other sad incident this week was the events that led to the firing of the Rutgers University men's head basketball coach, Mike Rice.  Through the miracle of video tape from December 2012, Rice was captured on film physically and mentally abusing his players during practice.

These two circumstances led me to recall, Mr. Broderick "Dick" Boyle.  Mr. Boyle, was casino manager at my first craps dealing job, (he remains the only upper manager who insisted on being called; mister)   His acutely offensive manner makes him stand out as the biggest asshole I encountered in my thirty-four years in the gaming industry, (considering the competition...that's quite a feat).

MY MR. BOYLE TORE INTO HIS EMPLOYEES AND CUSTOMERS WITH SHARP ETHNIC SLURS, EXTREME (loud) PROFANITY AND REGULAR PETTY FIRINGS, (HARD TO BELIEVE WE "TOOK IT" BECAUSE EVEN IN JANUARY 1979, THE $150.00 A WEEK I GROSSED, WAS PEANUTS.

The reason why villainous Mr. Boyle makes me think of heroic Ebert is, in my short story the "HEAT IS ON," I described him as Roger Ebert's evil twin, (that similarity is why I chose the 1970 photo of Ebert). 

To best serve Ebert's memory I choose to span journalism (his profession) with movies (the core of what he did) and television (where he gained his global recognition). 

So with the "stage" set by such scoundrels as Boyle and Rice, let me introduce one of filmdom's lesser known bad guys whose alcoholic tirades prevented him from being a household name.

Lawrence Tierney was a significant player in the film noir genre but his brushes with the law regularly derailed his path to super stardom.  To this day, experts agree that it was difficult to decide whether Tierney was such a good actor (specializing in being diabolical) or an alcoholic with sociopath tendencies.

A NATIVE NEW YORKER, LAWRENCE TIERNEY (1919-2002) WAS RUGGEDLY HANDSOME AND ATHLETIC. HE WAS TYPECAST AS AN ON-SCREEN MOBSTER OR STREET TOUGH.  AN OVERVIEW OF THIS HULK'S CAREER MIGHT BE; HE WAS NOT SO MUCH AN ACTOR AS A FRIGHTENING FORCE OF NATURE. 

In 1943, he broke in as an extra and soon graduated to small supporting roles in B-movies.  His big break was the starring role in 1945's, "DILLINGER."  Tierney shined in this low-budget affair, advertised as; being written in bullets, blood and blonds.  He was so memorably menacing that the picture was banned in Chicago and other cities adversely affected by the real Dillinger.

Tierney's stone-faced, human-devil persona was never more apparent than his starring role in 1947's, "BORN TO KILL."  In it, he plays a suave, murderous con man.  NEW YORK TIMES film critic Bosley Crowther condemned Tierney's performance, "It's not only morally disgusting but an offense to a normal intellect."

While Tierney was etching a solid niche on the silver screen, he was also tarnishing his name by earning a reputation as a drunken brawler off-camera.  His numerous arrests on both coasts, including scuffling with police, made him, regardless of his abundant talent,  persona non grata in Hollywood.

A lull in his career ended when he received a second chance with a small, malevolent role in 1952's movie sensation, "THE GREATEST SHOW ON EARTH."  Tierney got rave reviews but before he could be offered a big contract, his drunkenness led to fighting, another arrest and a one-way ticket to palookaville.

Tierney's deepest decline lasted into the late 50's as he bounced around New York City as a bartender, construction worker or driving a horse-drawn carriage. In the 60's, 70's and 80's, he continued to be given opportunities in movies, TV, on stage and in commercials but because of old habits, his comeback never blossomed.  His most notable work included; "PRIZZI'S HONOR," "FAME," and a voice-over in, "THE SIMPSON'S."  Tierney even had the privilege to utter the last words on TV's long-running, "HILL STREET BLUES."  His best shot during this period was being cast as Joe Cabot (sixth billing), in Quentin Tarantino's 1992 ultra violent, "honor among thieves" movie, "RESERVOIR DOGS." 

IN TARANTINO'S AUSPICIOUS DEBUT, TIERNEY (OFF-CAMERA) WAS BOTH AMUSING AND DISTURBING  TO THE CAST ANS CREW. TARANTINO  CLAIMED TO HAVE SAID OF TIERNEY; THERE WERE TIMES I WANTED TO PUNCH THE OLD MAN IN THE FACE.

Prior to my research for this blog, I assumed the old boy had retired from show business sixty-something years ago. Oddly, once you know what you're looking for, Tierney seems to keep popping up.

I was channel surfing the other day and came across an unfamiliar episode of "SEINFELD," ("THE JACKET," 1990).  What caught my eye was the old-timer playing Elaine's father, (Alton Benes).  I recognized the inner-evil under the comical, sour curmudgeon's facade but I couldn't place it. I waited till the closing credits to see...that's when I was pleasantly shocked to it was the long-forgotten, still scary as hell, Lawrence Tierney. 

TIERNEY RECEIVED ENOUGH HIGH PRAISE FOR HIS WORK THAT HE WAS TO BECOME A RECURRING CAST MEMBER.  BUT HE WAS SEEN STEALING A BUTCHER'S KNIFE FROM THE SET.  WHEN JERRY SEINFELD ASKED HIM, "WHAT'S UNDER YOUR SPORTS JACKET?" TIERNEY BRANDISHED THE CUTLERY.  THEN ALA THE MOVIE "PSYCHO," HE MADE THREATENING GESTURES ASSOCIATED WITH THE FAMOUS SHOWER SCENE.  LATER JASON ALEXANDER SAID, "HE SCARED THE LIVING CRAP OUT OF ME."

Tierney was still getting into movies like, "ARMAGEDDON," as late as 1998. Regarding that time period, his agent Don Gerler once said, "I was still bailing him out of jail back then because at seventy-five, he was still the toughest guy in the bar."

The next time Lawrence Tierney tries to scale the pearly gates, maybe he should wait for a Sunday...when no one is watching. Inside, Roger Ebert is saving him an eternal aisle seat in heaven's, Divine Paradise Pub, (they show old movies on a continuous loop like, "THE TEN COMMANDMENTS," "JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR" and "THE BELLS OF ST. MARY'S.") 

Ebert has an enthusiastic two thumbs up waiting for Tierney so I'm certain they'll have plenty to talk about when they raise a chalice or two of sacramental wine.  But if Tierney over does the holy spirits and reverts to his sinful ways, he'll be brought down to earth.  In fact, a lot further down than he'd want because he'll be joining Mr. Broderick "Dick" Boyle, and the other twisted, wicked losers, (maybe Mike Rice some day),  in the underworld purgatory inferno.

UNDER THE BIG "W."

I hope HJ remembers this...but one day when we were little kids, our group of friends gave ourselves fake names. 

I was inspired by my perception of friendship, adventure and romance, and dubbed myself... Jackie.  The reason was simple, child-actor Jackie Cooper was my first celebrity idol. 

In him, I saw cool leadership qualities and a stable of friends from the "OUR GANG," comedies.  How incredible it seemed to me, to lead a "little rascals" lifestyle...full of exciting hi-jinx. 

Cooper was most memorable in three short features from 1930, "SCHOOL'S OUT," "LOVE BUSINESS" and "TEACHER'S PET." I favored them because June Marlowe played his teacher, Miss Crabtree...and trust me, the hag-like meanies in my elementary school, acted and looked nothing like her.  I still occasionally greet my friends with a Jackie Cooper influenced, "Hey-y-y-y Crabby."

SPANKY AND ALFALFA, COULDN'T COMPARE WITH THE EVER-FLIRTATIOUS COOPER.  EVEN IN MY PRE-PUBESCENCE, I WAS JEALOUS THAN HE WAS IN A POSITION FOR A PERCEIVED TRIP TO COUGARTOWN WITH MISS CRABTREE (far right).  NORMAN( a.k.a. CHUBSIE UBSIE far left), THOUGHT HE HAD A SHOT TOO...BUT WE ALL KNEW, JACKIE WAS MY ONLY COMPETITION.

Jackie Cooper's other big contribution to my childhood fantasies came from his heroic role as Jim Hawkins opposite Wallace Beery's, Long John Silver, in the 1934 movie, "TREASURE ISLAND."

THIS ROBERT LOUIS STEVENSON CLASSIC WAS THE WHOLE ENCHILADA.  WHAT COULD BE BETTER THAN A KID MY AGE CONSORTING WITH PIRATES, SAILING THE HIGH SEAS AND A TREASURE HUNT. 

The idea of calling myself Jackie evaporated almost immediately but my appreciation for Cooper and those specific memories have lasted a lifetime.  So in 2002, at a parents pow-wow during one of my son Andrew's Cub Scout meetings, I made the knee-jerk suggestion of a scavenger hunt.  To my surprise, the others loved the idea and in unison put me in charge of making it happen.

Oops, I painted myself into a corner and got called on my "never" volunteer for anything mentality.  Our eight-scout pack was relying on me to put something together for the year-end picnic.  This huge event that encouraged friendly competition with other nearby Cub Scout packs would involve a couple of hundred kids...with each pack trying to outdo each other with a contribution to the festivities.

Over the next few weeks, my plan evolved into a scheme that was not only simple (easy to produce), elegant in its execution but exciting to the participants and the bigwigs.

The key factor in my success was that the picnic was held in Estell Manor Park...which for me was like a home game because I knew the layout well.

A HALF HOUR FROM HOME, ANDREW AND I HIKED THE MYRIAD OF TRAILS SINCE HE WAS THREE.  THE PARK ADMINISTRATION CENTER PROVIDED NATURE CLASSES, CRAFTS AND A MENAGERIE.  OUTSIDE, WE RODE BIKES, USED THE PLAYGROUND AND PLAYED BALL.  BEYOND THE MILITARY CEMETERY, THERE ARE TONS OF PLACES, LIKE THE LAKEFRONT AND THE RUINS FROM THE (above) BOTTLE FACTORY (1825-1877), TO HAVE A RELAXING LUNCH.

For the scout's scavenger hunt, I chose a large, isolated corridor set between a pond and a reedy marsh.  I enlisted the help of the art teacher at my son's school and had similar stones painted, red, white and blue...plus a gold one.

On the big day, while the scouts were involved in other activities, I planted the stones and five other types of artifacts.  These items were assigned point values...with the single golden rock being most valuable.  However, the wild card was...the most unusual item not included in the list would have an even higher value(I gave the honor of deciding that winner to the scout master...which turned out to be a small, deer bone).

In retrospect, I wish my scavenger hunt could have included a homage to the 1963 movie, "IT'S A MAD, MAD, MAD, MAD WORLD." 

"THE BIGGEST ENTERTAINMENT EVER TO ROCK THE SCREEN WITH LAUGHTER!" WAS EMBLAZONED ON THE MOVIE'S PROMOTIONAL POSTERS.  ALTHOUGH IT WAS INCLUDED IN 2000 AS AFI's #40 COMEDY ALL-TIME, IT DOES TEND TO GET RATHER TEDIOUS.

The theme of this zany movie was; adults acting like children.  More importantly, it combined all the principals that Jackie Cooper represented, (friendship, adventure, romance and of course a treasure hunt). So it would have been fitting for me to have buried the scavenger hunt's gold rock under my own big "W."

THE OPENING SCENE STARTS WITH A CAR ACCIDENT IN THE MOJAVE DESERT.  THEN AN EVER-EXPANDING, ALL-STAR CAST RACE THROUGHOUT SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA FOR $350,000.00 BURIED IN MYTHICAL SANTA ROSITA STATE PARK, UNDER THE (above) BIG "W."

If you're over eight years old, you might find this epic two-star movie overblown.  By my standards, its length is exhausting and some of the performances are overbearing. That means that it is difficult to recommend this film.  However, others swear by it.

My answer to the film's biggest fans is, there are several hilarious moments and some great lines but because they are so spaced apart and not enough of them, seeing the movie in its entirety is overwhelmingly tiresome.

Jimmy Durante has one of the countless cameos in the movie.  In that first scene, after crashing his car and before dying, he "kicks-off" the madcap pursuit by telling five good Samaritan motorists (from four cars) about the fortune buried under the big "W."  Durante's death provides one of my favorite moments, (It is probably the only thing my son Andrew would remember).  Click on the link below to see this thirty-second masterpiece.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h57UR-oIE_g


In addition to the main ensemble players, the producers cleverly injected dozens of Hollywood's finest into bit parts.  Some of the *walk-ons included; Buster Keaton, ZaSu Pitts, Edward Everett Horton, Jack Benny, Don Knotts, Sterling Holloway and Peter Falk. 

The biggest comic actors clambered to be included in this perceived blockbuster.  There are pages of interesting story lines and trivial facts concerning those circumstances.  Also there were tons of big names who was offered roles (Stan Laurel, Judy Garland, Groucho Marx, Bob Hope, Judy Holliday, Don Rickels and Red Skelton) but turned the casting department down.  There is also a list of those that were insulted that they weren't included.

* PLEASE NOTE - The Three Stooges had the shortest cameo...five seconds and Leo Gorcey came out of a decade-long retirement, to make this one last appearance.

In my opinion, the oft edited-out Jerry Lewis cameo was one of the funniest ten-second segments in movie history.  Apparently, Lewis was excluded from the original cast.  When the movie was finished, to appease his wrath, the snippet (below) was produced and injected in.  Then for some odd reason, it seems this gem gets edited-out...and I could find no explanation.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fXD6xZVnClk

The slapstick plot has many layers but the kicker is a corrupt police chief (Spencer Tracy) is scheming to have the hoard of crazies lead him to the big "W" and steal the loot after they dig it up.  The closing chase scene starts in Malibu along the Pacific Coast Highway and ends in Long Beach, (look for real NIXON FOR GOVERNOR signs that twice appear on buildings).

THE BIG "W" SCENES WERE FILMED ON PRIVATE PROPERTY CALLED PORTUGUESE POINT. THE LAST LEG (PHOTO ABOVE WAS TAKEN IN 1991) OF THE FAMOUS LANDMARK DIED AND FELL IN THE EARLY 2000's.   THE FILM LOCATION IS OFF LIMITS, YET MOVIE ENTHUSIASTS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD SCALE THE NEARBY CLIFFS TO CATCH A GLIMPSE OF IT.

On January 6, 1994, "THE SIMPSON'S," honored the concept of the big "W" by incorporating a big "T" into several episodes.

IN, "HOMER THE VIGILANTE,"  (SEASON 5,  EPISODE 11), THE SIMPSON'S FIRST USE THE IDEA OF TREASURE BURIED UNDER A BIG "T." 

I wonder if Jackie Cooper was offered a part in, "IT'S A MAD, MAD, MAD, MAD WORLD?"  He was still starring in his own TV shows until 1962.  But his on-screen career had diminished, (you may recall, he was the original Andy Hardy, in the 40's) so he drifted into a mostly off-camera career.

I WATCHED TWO, JACKIE COOPER SITCOMS (RERUNS) WHEN I WAS A KID.  IN "THE PEOPLE'S CHOICE," (104 EPISODES 1955-1958), HE PLAYED DILEMMA-FILLED POLITICIAN, SOCRATES "SOCK" MILLER, WHO HAD A BASSET HOUND (CLEO) WHOSE SARCASTIC THOUGHTS, COULD BE HEARD BY THE AUDIENCE.  IN "HENNESEY" HE PLAYED A NAVAL DOCTOR STATIONED IN SAN DIEGO, (32 EPISODES 1959-1962). 

My first celebrity idol, Jackie Cooper resurfaced in the "SUPERMAN" movies, (1978, 1980 and 1983) as Clark Kent's boss, Perry White.  He last appeared in a motion picture called, "SURRENDER," in 1987.

In my youth, Cooper opened my eyes to the boundlessness of imagination and helped give me the curiosity and courage to wonder what was beyond the horizon...and to go find out.  Jackie Cooper came a long way from his first full-length movie, "THE CHAMP," in 1932 and because of his roles and persona, he'll always remain a champ to me.

Hey HJ, do you remember the fake name you chose?

TO HAVE AND HAVE NOT...HEAVY ON THE NOT.

Ernest Hemingway liked to use the the Spanish word cojones. Its meant to describe audacity or nerve but we all know, he really means balls!  So with guarded confidence and a pair of guarded cojones, I announce to the world that the three and a half star, (sometimes four star) movie from 1944, "TO HAVE AND HAVE NOT," was disappointing to me.

I'm sure Hemingway won't be rising up from the dead bend on avenging this slander because in my case, he couldn't possibly be offended. You see, his novel was so badly butchered by the screenwriters (including the highly esteemed William Faulkner) that the film barely resembles the book.

NINETEEN YEAR-OLD LAUREN BACALL, IN HER HOLLYWOOD DEBUT, STARRED OPPOSITE HUMPHREY BOGART (45).  THEY SIZZLED SO WELL ON CAMERA THAT AN OFF-SCREEN ROMANCE ENSUED, FOLLOWED BY A SOLID 12-YEAR MARRIAGE THAT LASTED TILL HE DIED.

I've seen this cinematic stalwart a gazillion times and always loved it.  This last time, I listened to TURNER CLASSIC MOVIE (TCM) host Robert Osborne, chat up this film up.  He called it was one of the greatest movies ever and supported his assertion by mentioning that the AMERICAN FILM INSTITUTE (AFI), included it in their 1998, 400 Best Movies list.

Osborne's description made me look beyond my appreciation of the Bogart persona and the shoot 'em up excitement of the adventure.  When the movie was over, my critical eye left me disappointed.  The tough guys weren't tough, the humor (the Walter Brennan character) was forced and key factors in the plot were unclear.  Most importantly, the so-called torrid sexual tension between Bogart and Bacall wasn't exactly cutting edge.

It would be easy to say the movie is dated.  But this WWII, romantic drama, set after the fall of free France, in Martinique, (under the Vichy regime), featured laughable local police. Dan Seymour as the captain was fat, dull and not the least bit intimidating.  Plus, his lieutenant, played by the usually reliable Sheldon Leonard, seemed giddy throughout his performance.  To make their threat even less believable, both officers were closely scrutinized by a nearly invisible Gestapo overseer.

Walter Brennan added some comic relief as Bogart's drunken right-hand man.  But there was too much of it and it detracted from the serious nature, of what was basically 1944 current events.

Where I have the biggest problem is the story itself.  In addition to some prolonged tedium, the issue of smuggling political people must have been common knowledge back then. So, I know little about it and the rationale behind it, wasn't made clear to me.  The cloak and dagger stuff worsened when the VIP (a black-ops agent) being sneaked into Martinique is weighed-down by the added baggage of his trophy wife?  And this high-maintenance bitch comes complete with a king-sized attitude. 

I guess the screenwriters needed to insult the intelligence of the allied partisan audience, by spelling out the gravity of the war effort with Bogart's character straightening-out this hero's wife, (afterwards to prove her understanding, to support the Resistance, she hands over her family heirloom jewels...that she just happens to be toting into battle).

This brings us to the issue of provocative Lauren Bacall.  She was a hot number, no doubt about it.  But due to the mores of the time, theatrical censorship and the difference in their ages, Bacall and Bogart aren't as white hot today as they were, nearly seventy years ago.  More over, the only reason why her character was at all necessary was, at the height of WWII, the formula for making a war movie a commercial success required a romantic angle.  Otherwise, women viewers wouldn't be attracted to the theaters...and thus, neither would their men.

THE BOGART-BACALL CHEMISTRY WAS EPITOMIZED WHEN SHE SAID, "YOU KNOW HOW TO WHISTLE...JUST PUT YOUR LIPS TOGETHER AND...BLOW."  THAT PIECE OF DIALOG WAS INCLUDED AS #34 ON, AFI's TOP 100 MOVIE LINES LIST.

Unless you are a die-hard Bogie fan, I could never recommend this movie.  I was so annoyed by my latest conclusions that I decided to read the novel...because the book, is ALWAYS better than the movie.

It seems inconceivable but this book was worse that the movie! Yes, I realize that just because I write, it doesn't mean I am qualified to take cheap shots at one of the world's most renown authors...but here I go. Gulp, I already imagine Hemingway coming up out of his grave and taking phantom swings with a machete, aimed at my skull.

The book's theme starts off the same as the movie except it's set in 1937 Cuba so there are no Nazis.  The Bogart character is the same honest, hard working Harry Morgan.  The contrast begins, due to circumstances beyond his control when he is forced into illegalities, to support a wife and three daughters.

The first half of the novel is a real page turner.  Then the Morgan character loses all sympathy from the readers when he unnecessarily murders his client after getting paid. Later we learn that a wound in the ensuing skirmish results in him losing an arm.  Later, his heroic nature returns when Cuban revolutionaries rob a bank in Key West and boat-jack his charter. In that sequence, far out at sea, he kills all four perpetrators but is shot in the belly.

A chapter is reserved for his mindset as he drifts in the waters waiting to be rescued before he bleeds out.  Hemingway is specific in reminding the readers how rare it would be for someone to survive  that situation.

Incomprehensibly, Harry Morgan isn't mentioned again for several chapters.  The second half of the book is dedicated to describing rich people in Key West trying to keep their silver-spoon lifestyle afloat during the depression, (they are the ones who have and have not)..

Here, against my better judgement, I'm saying it...THIS BOOK SUCKED! The only reason I kept reading was the expectation that Morgan's recovery would mesh with those rich, insecure, suicidal softies...but didn't. 

In the last ten pages, he is rescued and rushed to the hospital.  While the police investigation suggests that he was one of the robbers, he dies on the operating table.  His widow is inconsolable, she becomes another example of having and having not.

I told my son Andrew, the second half of, "TO HAVE AND HAVE NOT" was awful and I thought it was futile to continue reading because I could predict the dead end.   He laughed because he's reading (and hating) a pre-assignment for incoming COLLEGE OF NEW JERSEY, freshmen.  His book is, "REVOLUTION 2.0," by Wael Ghonim.  It has to do with the 2010 overthrow of the Egyptian government which was organized on FACEBOOK.

Andrew's assessment of his book was almost the same as mine.  He understood the point within the first third of the book and thought it was ridiculous to read the rest.

My boy then went as far as mentioning how much he disliked his book, on his newly launched cyber-venture called, "THE ABSvlog."  This ABSvlog, available on youtube, is a cooperative effort between Andrew and his friends Billy and Sean.  In it, they want to individually share a four-minute snippet of their college experience with insights from Andrew each Monday, Billy on Wednesday and Sean on Fridays.

To find Andrew's first posting to the ABSvlog click on the link below. Otherwise, you can become a subscriber or go their main "THE ABSvlog," youtube page and use the archives to find a particular entry.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NZnIPmKuNyw&feature=plcp

I hope you like THE ABSvlog and regularly view Andrew's contributions as well as his friend's.

Deep in my heart, it bothers me that I didn't like, "TO HAVE AND HAVE NOT."  I had read and enjoyed two of Hemingway's other works, "THE SNOWS OF KILIMANJARO" and "THE OLD MAN AND SEA," so I was left with the fear that I wasn't smart enough to "get" this one. To ease my pain, I researched the novel and the movie. I was pleased to find out that the book received mixed reviews.  I felt even better when the movie's director Howard Hawks (a big Hemingway fan) considered it, Hemingway's worst book.  Then he specifically said, "It was a bunch of junk."

Hawks' statement validated my opinion.  In the future, his agreement with me, will make me more confident in my cojones, to be more open with my criticism. So take my advice, the next time you need a fix of Bogie and Bacall, try their 1948 movie, "KEY LARGO."  If not, take it from me, your time would be well spent if you check out Andrew every Monday, Billy every Wednesday and Sean every Friday...and become a regular to THE ABSvlog.

Happy viewing.

THE BEATINGS WILL CONTINUE UNTIL MORALE PICKS UP!

Sean Connery, in addition to being voted the greatest living Scot also took honors as, the world's sexiest man of the last century.  Much of his notoriety came from portraying James Bond.

SEAN CONNERY, A VETERAN OF TWELVE LESSER MOTION PICTURES HAD FATE AND SUPER STARDOM SHINE DOWN ON HIM IN 1962. THAT'S WHEN HE WAS CAST AS, MASTER SPY, JAMES BOND 007, IN, "DR. NO."  INTERESTINGLY, AUTHOR IAN FLEMING THOUGHT JAMES MASON WAS THE PROTOTYPICAL BOND BUT LUCKILY, FLEMING'S WIFE TALKED HIM INTO CONNERY.

The Bond persona allowed Connery to free himself of movies like 1959's, "DARBY O'GILL AND THE LITTLE PEOPLE" and cameos, like his performance in 1962's the, "LONGEST DAY."  Soon he became an iconic figure as another Fleming novel, "FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE,"  became a cinematic hit. Then sandwiched between my favorite Bond movie, "GOLDFINGER," and "THUNDERBALL," Connery oddly stepped way out of his jet-set character profile to appear in an unspectacular movie.

THE BEST LINE IN "GOLDFINGER" IS WHEN 007 IS ABOUT TO BE CUT IN HALF WITH A LASER BEAM.  BOND SAYS," YOU DON"T EXPECT ME TO TALK."  GOLDFINGER SAYS, "NO MR. BOND, I EXPECT YOU TO DIE."

The vanilla film Connery chose was the far more cerebral (depressing) movie from 1965, "THE HILL."  ***SPOILER ALERT WARNING***

IN CONTRAST TO THE SPECIAL EFFECTS AND PYROTECHNICS OF THE BOND SERIES, THIS VIRTUAL UNKNOWN, "THE HILL," WAS PRODUCED IN  BLACK AND WHITE.  SET DURING WWII's NORTH AFRICA CAMPAIGN, THIS CLEVER THREE-STAR MOVIE CENTERS AROUND  AN ENGLISH "GLASSHOUSE," (A PRISON FOR THEIR OWN MISFITS),  IN THE LIBYAN DESERT.

Sean Connery's character is Trooper, Joe Roberts.  He is one of the new inmates sent to this ungodly hell-hole.  Unlike movies like, "THE DIRTY DOZEN," that portray same side military prisoners as murderers, rapists and head cases, this English stockade is not for hardened criminals.  These soldiers were convicted of service offenses like; insubordination, drunkenness, being AWOL and petty theft. Therefore, the goal is rehabilitation through discipline and regimentation, in order to return them to the front, to fight Germans.

The problem is, there are many ways to run a jail.  And when power is delegated to weaker individuals sometimes the privilege is abused.  We see this in big business where underlings do unscrupulous things to maximize profits to get ahead.  Politically, when a calculating eager beaver is put in charge, he has a chance to woo his beaten-down constituents with charisma, empty promises and propaganda.   Then once he gives them the impression of giving them what they want, he can seize greater power or money or self-importance.  A prime example would be Adolf Hitler.

THE SIGNATURE OF ADOLF HITLER,  (1889-1945).  HE ROSE TO POWER BY DANGLING THE "NEW ORDER" AND AYRIAN SUPREMACY TO THE DOWN-TRODDEN  POST-WWI GERMAN PEOPLE.

Trooper Roberts and four others are under the direct supervision of power hungry, Staff Sergeant Williams.  Williams ambition is to earn a reputation as a stern jailer that will translate into the kind of recognition that will land him a great career and universal respect in civilian life.  He fantasizes about becoming famous for being the only person with the talent to whip penitentiaries into shape.  In this dream, he travels throughout the British Empire to resurrect poorly run prisons.  Therefore, he is a man who feels that the ends justify the means and thus, he's willing to use any way necessary to get what he wants. 

A part of Williams' sick rationale is, excessive punishment.  He feels that beating his underlings down until they submit to his whimsy will make them ready for combat.  The punishment that he relishes is a man-made, two-story sand hill inside the compound.  The hill coupled with the oppressive desert heat was designed as a deterrent.  But Williams over uses this gimmick for minor infractions and tortures his men by drilling them with repeated marches up and down it, in full military gear.

Williams adds fuel to the men's unhappiness by changing rules without warning, taking away tiny benefits and making false accusations like; the men are stealing the King's money, time and resources.  He makes so many changes that new rules contradict the ones from the day before. The inability to heed these irrational regulations results in verbal abuse, corporal punishment, food deprivation and reduction in personal time. In a short time, these undignified tactics cause the men to lose their self-esteem. 

The men are ill-equipped to directly clash with Williams.  So rather than rebel, they seek assistance from more humane guards like, Staff Sergeant Harris, Regimental Sergeant Major Wilson and the camp's medical officer.  While these men all recognize Williams' sadism, they also see the possibility of higher authorities perceiving his methods as progressive.  Therefore, despite the obvious need for reform, they all have their own vested interest for not making waves.

One of Roberts' cohorts legitimately suffers from heat prostration and is sent to sick bay.  Williams visits the ailing man and demands, "Why aren't you smiling?"  The patient knows better and doesn't respond.  Williams then confronts the medical officer and demands that the malingerer is taking advantage of the system.

The weakened prisoner is returned to his cell. While the others are out, the sickly prisoner doodles in the dust, a caricature of a man chained to the wall with the caption, the beatings will continue until morale picks up. He is so exhausted that before he has a chance to erase this treasonable sentiment, he passes out.  When Williams realizes that the soldier is not with the others, he storms back to cell and sees the cartoon.

The ailing man is beaten with Williams' riding crop and ordered to put on his uniform and heavy back pack.  The entire camp witnesses this horror as the victim is forced up and down the hill until he collapses and dies.

Trooper Joe Roberts and his unified cellmates start a campaign to oust Williams with the help of the suddenly enlightened Sergeant Harris and Sergeant Major Wilson.  But the crucial medical officer is still under the Svengali-like power of Williams.  It's only when Williams threatens the medical officer to stay in line that he joins the plot.

A well thought out plan, complete with hard evidence and sworn affidavits is set in motion. The prisoners are thrilled to have survived but are forced to quash their excitement for justice while the bureaucratic millstone wheel slowly cuts through the military red tape.  In the mean time, Williams has no idea that his position is in jeopardy, so for him, it's business as usual. 

The prisoners would have related to Martin Luther King's statement; Free at last, free at last, free at last...thank God all mighty, we're free at last."  

MARTIN LUTHER KING (1929-1968) WAS GREATLY INFLUENCED BY MAHATMA GANDHI.  IN 1959, HE VISITED GANDHI'S BIRTHPLACE AND SAID, "SINCE BEING IN INDIA, I AM MORE CONVINCED THAN EVER BEFORE THAT THE METHOD OF NONVIOLENT RESISTANCE IS THE MOST POTENT WEAPON AVAILABLE TO OPPRESSED PEOPLE IN THEIR STRUGGLE FOR JUSTICE AND HUMAN DIGNITY."

On the morning that good news was made official, Trooper Roberts, Sergeant Harris and the medical officer stride across the peaceful compound to tell the rest of the men that Williams is getting arrested.  I'd like to think they were all singing, "DING DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD." 

IN 1939's, "THE WIZARD OF OZ," MARGARET HAMILTON PLAYED THE, "WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST," SO WELL, THAT HER PERFORMANCE EARNED HER THE DISTINCTION OF BEING ONE OF THE ALL-TIME GREATEST MOVIE VILLAINS. 

While the three heroes were harmonizing, Williams is inspecting the cell. One of the men is slow to respond to an order, so Williams sends him to the hill.  When Williams turns his back, the prisoner, overcome by frustration attacks the brutal bastard.  The fight is one-sided and none of the other prisoners come to Williams' aid.

Roberts, Wilson and the medical officer arrive in time to hear Williams is screaming for help. The crazed prisoner pauses.  Roberts waves a paper and yells, "Stop, we've won, we've won."  The prisoner absorbs the information and the slams Williams head on the stone floor several times until he is stopped...but its too late, Williams is dead.

Aren't you glad Sean Connery took time out of his busy James Bond schedule, to teach us all a valuable life skill.

THE H-MAN AND THE FOREIGN NAME GAME

One never knows where the humor will come from. 

A bunch of us at work were crowded into the small anteroom outside the dispatcher's headquarters waiting to be assigned.  This log-jam was caused because the usual, in-and-out flow of personnel was disturbed. That night, the lead scheduler and both of his savvy replacements coincidentally all called-out.  That left the office without an experienced router which resulted in, a first-timer (a friend, Arcine) being in charge of such a vital and complicated undertaking.

I was watching the poor girl running around like a chicken without a head when one of the thirty of us in limbo (another friend, Calloway), tapped me on the shoulder and put his index finger to his lips.  He pointed at the substitute dispatcher through the Plexiglas window, retreated to the back of the mob and took out his cell-phone.  Calloway's serious face turned into the mischievous grin of a leprechaun as he dialed into headquarters. 

Calloway's overwhelmed prank target picked up the phone as he said in a crisp Irish brogue, "Me name's Holden, Holden M'Groin, I'm supposed to start tonight but they didn't tell me what time to report."  Arcine picked up the master daily schedule.  We watched her shake her head as she searched for the phony name until she said, "What did you say your name is?"  Calloway fought off his laughter as he turned his back from the window and said, "M'Groin, Holden M'Groin, M-C-G-R-O-I-N.  Is there a problem, dearie?  You see, today's me first day..."  Arcine said, "Yeah, yeah, yeah..." and put him on hold as she looked around for help...but she was flying solo.  In a panic, she unnecessarily scanned ten lists of employees already accounted for. She was waving her arms in desperation and it looked liked she was screaming obscenities when she slid the window open and yelled into the crowd, "Do any of you know who's Holden M'Groin?"  A few people in the crowd snickered.  Then with all the charm and professionalism of a bag lady with Turrets Arcine roared, "What's so f***ing funny about me f***ing saying; who's f***ing Holden M'Groin?"  Then an older woman said, "If YOU don't know whose holding your groin, how would we know?"  Arcine's upgraded profanity rant would have embarrassed a longshoreman.  But it got still worse when she caught eye-contact with Calloway as he held up his cell phone and burst out laughing.

The point is, names can be sensitive issues.  I'm certain I wouldn't want to eat a food with the name shitaki...and I love mushrooms. And Cheez-Wizz despite being nearly all chemicals, implies that a main ingredient is, wizz...so I say no thank you to that too.

OF COURSE THERE ARE EXCEPTIONS, IN MEXICO THEY MARKET "SHIT" CIGARETTES.  THE GIMMICK IS,  IT'S ALL NATURAL AND THEREFORE SMOKING THEM, DOESN'T CAUSE CANCER.

In the case of people names, imagine moving to Norway and finding out that your name meant something strange like; sweaty butt.  Some prime examples of this situation that I have come across include, a Middle-Eastern kid in one of my son Andrew's classes named Anis.  When he understood the negative implication, it didn't take long before he demanded that his name be pronounced, "ANN-iz."  Similarly, a new-hire at my job was named Dung.  He asked his supervisor, "Why do people laugh when they read my name tag?"  His boss wryly said, "Because in English, dung means cow crap."  The next day his name tag read: Tony.  Plus the name Phuc and Phouc seem to come up a lot too and those guys all insist that it's pronounced; Foo.

This foreign name game happened again when I caught the, "TURNER CLASSIC MOVIES" (TCM) tribute to Japanese, late 50's horror movies. Included in this airing were four "classics."  I was familiar with the ones that featured enormous monstrosities like; "GODZILLA," "MOTHRA" and "RODAN." But the one I never heard of was, the one that took a different route.

GODZILLA WAS AN AMPHIBIAN, MOTHRA AN INSECT AND RODAN WAS A BIRD.  THE COMMON THREAD THAT RAN THROUGH ALL THESE CREATURE FILMS WAS THE PUBLIC'S FEAR, OF THE AFFECTS FROM NUCLEAR BOMB TESTING.

The fourth movie, "THE H-MAN," I liked best. It also centered on the side-effects on testing nuclear weapons theme but its antagonist was a murderous ooze that inhabits the Tokyo sewer system.

(Above), THE AMERICAN THEATER POSTER FOR 1958's, "THE H-MAN." THIS MOVIE WAS RARE IN THAT DEPENDING WHO WAS REPORTING ON IT,  THE REVIEWS HAD AN USUALLY WIDE RANGE...FROM, A DECENT TWO-STAR RATING WITH KUDOS FOR ITS SUB-PLOT,  TO A, TOTAL ZERO-STAR PANNING THAT CONCENTRATED ON ITS POOR SPECIAL-EFFECTS AND A SILLY SCRIPT. 

I'm guessing that the Toho Studios' superstar directing, special effects and producing team of, Ishiro Honda, Eiji Tsuburaya and Tomoyuki Tanaka felt that the age of giant monster (kaiju) movies had peaked.  So to get in on the ground floor of something new and more cerebral, they went with a jiggly, flesh-eating, radioactive slime that absorbed its human prey, yet rejected their clothing.  They soon reassessed this attempt at cleverness and realized that they missed their mark.  It's good thing too, because the giant monster genre would remain popular, (even when they ran out of ideas, the same grotesque beasts maintained enough of an audience even if they were poorly recycled versions of the same thing).

LED BY HONDA, WHO COULD FORGET THE TEAM'S 1964 SCI-FI SMASH, "GHIDORAH, THE THREE HEADED MONSTER." AS WELL AS THEIR CHEESY, RECYCLED CHARACTERS LIKE, 1962's "KING KONG vs GODZILLA," 1964's, "MOTHRA vs GODZILLA," 1965's, "FRANKENSTEIN CONQUERS THE WORLD," 1968's, "DESTROY ALL MONSTERS," AND 1975's, "THE TERROR OF MECHAGODZILLA."

I found "The H-Man" to be an unlikely source of humor.  That's why I side with its superior review.  It had enough uniqueness to entertain me.  This notion was reinforced when I shut off Godzilla in mid-stream because the calamities were basically identical.  But I got through the whole H-Man because an unintentional vein of humor kept cropping up and like an addiction to sugar, I wanted more candy...and always got it.

The H-Man appealed to me right away because in the opening credits, a surprisingly pleasant, jazzy sound track set the tone. And while I must confess that it had a less than stunning sub-plot that included drug dealers, hot Japanese girls and a sexy night club singer...IT HAD A SUB PLOT.

THE JAPANESE THEATER POSTER (above) DE-EMPHASIZES THE HORROR ASPECT OF THE MOVIE.  IT IS PROVEN BY THE FILM'S SEXUALLY SUGGESTIVE TITLE BEING TRANSLATED TO, "BEAUTY AND THE LIQUID MEN."  CONSIDERING THE TWO POSTERS AND THE TITLES, I KNOW I WOULD HAVE BEEN MORE INTRIGUED BY THIS ONE.

Like I said, you never know where the humor is going to come from.  In H-Man, I found hilarity in the female lead, who plays the nightclub singer, Shikako.  Even though I was disappointed to see how her name was spelled, I still laughed every time her name was clearly pronounced; Shit Taco.  I'm positive that during the naive 50's that this level of wordplay concerning awful Mexican food did not exist...that's what makes moving to Norway and finding out that your name means something disgusting, or asking people, "Who's holding your groin," all the more humorous.

The moral of my story is, the Honda, Tsubraya and Tanaka film-making team were not really visionaries.  If they were, they would have realized that the true, budding threat to our society in the late-50's wasn't the affects of nuclear bomb testing.  The true menace was, the global epidemic of narcotics abuse and the resulting mutant human beings created by drug cartels that continually...to this day, defeat the so-called, war on drugs.  Therefore, "THE H-MAN," title could have stayed the same, except the "H" wouldn't have stood for hydrogen...it would have stood for heroin.

THIS LION WILL ALWAYS BE KING

Reading Pennsylvania is the former, "Outlet Capital of the World." Before discount meccas became widespread, Reading was regal. Fifteen years ago while it still maintained its title, the city boasted an incredible amount of inexpensive stores in a condensed district. So with the economy solid and decent gas prices, it was worthwhile to drive two and a half hours, get a motel and have a mini-vacation, (one of my wife Sue's employee perks got us half-off at the nearby Hampton Inn).

We were lured to Reading by the Vanity Fair Factory Outlet Store. Their two, colossal five-floor warehouses (the red building and blue building) were the focal point of a huge discount complex, on Hill Avenue.THE FACE OF THE RECTANGULAR BLUE BUILDING (above) SHOWS THE SHORT SIDE OF THE STORE. THE MIRROR-IMAGED RED BUILDING RUNS PARALLEL TO THE LONG SIDE. AN INTERIOR BRIDGE CONNECTS BOTH SO SHOPPERS DON'T HAVE TO BRAVE THE ELEMENTS TO SWITCH BUILDINGS. BETWEEN THEM OUTSIDE, A PRETTY, TREE AND BENCH-LINED COMMON AREA, PROVIDES A PARK-LIKE ATMOSPHERE.

We'd get into Vanity Fair around noon. Sometimes we wouldn't leave the store all day and only give a minimum of time to other places. VF specialized in all aspects of clothing but other vendors are also there. Our chief concern was to build-up my son Andrew's toddler wardrobe. But I was assured at least a bag of socks while my wife Sue, power-shopped for herself and hunted down gifts.

I liked the basement best because they had a few more shops and hosted a vast food court. While its true that I looked forward to lunchtime, my day was usually crowned with a nice dinner. The first time around, before we were savvy enough to research old world Italian restaurants or more upscale eateries in neighboring towns like Wyomissing and Shillington, we wound up, two blocks away, at the Penn Diner, (on Penn Avenue). Please take heed, it was one of our worst eating experiences of all-time. So just in case that crap-eteria is still there, DON'T go !

In October of 1995, Andrew was only walking for two months. So while Sue enjoyed some private mommy-time and intensely browsed on her own, I was left with entertainment duty. Regardless of how clever I might have been, my twenty-month old eager beaver, didn't cotton to idle conversation. Nor did he want to be strapped into our pack mule-like stroller. He wanted to run free through the never-ending children's department's maze of racks, aisles and displays.

I was chasing him for quite some time until something caught Andrew's attention just inside the main entrance's vestibule. He sat on the floor, started shouting with excitement and pointing to the ground. I had heard from Sue that Andrew had this new talent but I was witnessing it for the first time.

Assembled into the floor, incoming shoppers were greeted with a mosaic rendering of the Vanity Fair logo. This insignia featured a prominent "V" and "F." At a time when Andrew couldn't speak well, he was impressing the passersby with his crystal-clear knowledge of these two letters. I soon found out that he knew the whole alphabet. I exploded with parental pride as I placed Andrew back into the stroller. I wanted to find his mom and report my findings.

Along the way, I was distracted by a television with an unfamiliar cartoon on. We stopped and both watched. I soon noticed that all the merchandise in that section included characters from the Disney mega-hit movie from the year before, "THE LION KING."

We had missed seeing that movie because my boy was too young. So this glimpse of it was our first exposure. I was immediately immersed by the cute animals, state-of-the-art visuals, the familiar resonance of James Earl Jones leading an all-star voice-over cast and the terrific sound track. When the scene shifted, I was caught off guard. The king lion was betrayed by his brother and set-up for an "accidental" murder. The dastardly deed went over Andrew's head but negatively affected me in two ways. My dad's death (seven months earlier), was still fresh in my mind. Plus, I stressed about the possibility of my own demise and worried about not always being there for my son.

My sensitivities were touched by that short scene in a way that I didn't care for. I had a tear in my eye, a lump in my throat and a prejudice against the film that would last for three years as I pushed the stroller towards the lingerie department.

Andrew was five when a friend suggested that I put the past behind me and rent the movie. When we saw the whole fast-paced, humorous package of deception, disgrace and redemption, I declared the, "THE LION KING," the best children's movie ever made. In addition to catering to our entertainment needs, the tale reassures its audience, without getting too complicated or juvenile, to have faith in our loved ones and the value true friends. Since then, I've seen the technology for producing kiddie films improve...and I saw some other great flicks...but my opinion of number-one, never wavered.THE SECRET OF MAKING THIS LION, KING AT THE BOX OFFICE, WAS MAKING THE ENTERTAINMENT SOMETHING THAT COULD BE SHARED BY CHILDREN AND ADULTS. FOR INSTANCE, BY WORKING ON SO MANY LEVELS, THE DEPTH OF ITS COMEDY TOUCHES EVERYONE IN DIFFERENT WAYS. PLUS, ITS THEME OF A UNIVERSAL SOLIDARITY PACKS A POWERFUL MORALITY PUNCH THAT IS EASILY UNDERSTOOD.

Once our VCR became obsolete, all our VHS tapes, including, "The Lion King," went into storage. While its true that I still quote from it, the movie itself was forgotten. In support of this notion, Andrew's taste had grown too sophisticated to go backwards so I was never spurred enough to find a DVD and force it on him.

In 2006 when Andrew was in sixth grade, he was the Reeds Road School's, first orchestra flute. When I heard about the last piece of the school's spring concert, my thirst for, "The Lion King," was resurrected.

Weeks earlier, my guy was handed a pan flute and was honored with the opportunity to play it in the show. Some of the subsequent important information didn't filter down to me because when he failed to master this instrument, I thought the mission was scrubbed. So when I was sent in to videotape the production, a pleasant surprise fell in my lap.

The show went well. Then they made the announcement that the grand finale was, "The Circle of Life," from "The Lion King." The emcee added that rather than using a professional recording to accompany the fifth grade songstress, the school imported two teachers from the middle school. After they were introduced, I was shocked to hear that my son was the flute soloist.

The woman from the middle school stood at an upright microphone and a set of chimes. The man positioned himself behind fancy bongos. When the audience quieted, the teachers did a great job capturing the essence of the famed instrumental intro, complete with African chants. Then the girl brought down the house. When she paused, Andrew stood alone with his grandfather's flute and soulfully accentuated the performance. Then the rest of school's orchestra joined the girl and Andrew for the last stanza.

Maybe it's because he's my son or maybe it's because wonderful memories of my dad were stirred. But that performance, especially Andrew's two-minutes, made me so proud that just thinking about "The Circle of Life," is guaranteed to make me smile and hearing our recording of it, is guaranteed to make my eyes well-up. In any event, afterwards, I didn't seek out the "Lion King," movie.

Two years ago, we vacationed in Las Vegas and the Grand Canyon. Sue found out that the Mandolay Bay Casino was selling-out the theatrical, "Lion King" in their showroom, (we were lucky to get last minute seats). While the costumes, music and dancing were awe inspiring...I guess I didn't love it as well as Sue and Andrew.MAYBE THERE'S STILL SOME ADOLESCENCE BURIED IN ME, I PREFERRED THE CARTOON...IT WAS FUNNIER.

When we got home, I still didn't run out to the video store to see the original. The movie and I would remain separated until last month when kismet was on my side. I saw a TV commercial, advertising a limited engagement (two weeks in mid-September), of a 3-D version of the "Lion King."

Sue and I jumped on it. We were delighted by the pure eye-candy, 3-D aspect and loved the movie all over again. We recommended it to Andrew. The next day, he went with his crowd and they all loved it too. Apparently the public liked it too. The Disney marketing strategy worked perfectly because, in the fourteen days that it was shown, the film grossed $60 million.

If you missed it, the 3-D DVD is coming out next month. So don't drive up to Reading and expect to find it in the five-dollar bin at Vanity Fair. That means before you exclaim, "Life...isn't fair," or have a bunch of hyenas laughing at you for missing it again, make sure...whether you've seen it already or not... that you check-out, the king of children's movies.