NOTHING'S BETTER...THAN A TRIPLE-HEADER

Most of us know the phrase; nothing is sweeter than a repeater.  But I invented an improved version; nothing's better than a triple-header, (it's more authentic if you exaggerate the rhyme as "bedduh" and "headuh)."  This phrase comes up a lot in the casino but I just discovered my first practical, everyday use for mine.

If you think I'm unsophisticated now, imagine how much less worldly I was when I was twelve.  So in my tender adolescence you wouldn't expect me to be clever enough to recognize that the TV show, "THE SECOND HUNDRED YEARS," was stupid and stinky, (in today's slang; unwatchable).  ABC-TV's powers-that-be shared my opinion and canceled this this lame crap in its first season, (twenty-two episodes, September 1967-March 1968).

The premise of this shit-com sit-com was that in 1900, an Alaska gold rush prospector is buried by an avalanche.  Due to the suddenness of the catastrophe, he (at age thirty-three), was perfectly preserved in suspended animation.  The less than hilarious hi-jinx begins when the U.S. government thaws out the body sixty-seven years later. The idiots in Washington swear everyone to secrecy until they can figure out exactly how to harness the potential goodness of the accident. In the mean time, he returns to his same California home where his descendants still live and moves in with his sixty-seven-year old grandson.

NOTHING LASTS FOREVER, ESPECIALLY WHEN ITS VERY FOUNDATION HAS A NARROW WINDOW FOR SUCCESS.  STARRING ARTHUR O'CONNELL (left) AS THE TRADITIONAL-MINDED GRANDSON AND MONTE MARKHAM (right) AS THE PROGRESSIVE GRANDFATHER, THE SHORT-LIVED, "THE SECOND HUNDRED YEARS," DIDN'T HAVE MUCH LATITUDE FOR GROWTH BEYOND THE ORIGINAL CONCEPT. 

These days, my adult taste in TV is limited to, "THE BIG BANG THEORY,"  "AMERICAN PICKERS"  and police dramas. My current cop show favorites are, FOX's "BACKSTROM" and CBS's, "BATTLE CREEK."

Both of these detective shows premiered this year. It's unusual that I get in on the ground floor but in these cases, I looked forward to seeing two actors in new roles.

I LOVED RAINN WILSON (above) FROM THE COMEDY, "THE OFFICE."  IN" BACKSTROM," A COMEDIC-DRAMA, HE'S AN ACUTELY FLAWED HERO.  CYNICAL, OVERWEIGHT, OFFENSIVE AND IRASCIBLE, BACKSTROM MUST CONQUER HIS SELF-DESTRUCTIVE WAYS BEFORE HE IS FIRED (OR DIES) WHILE LEADING AN ELITE PORTLAND OREGON CRIME SOLVING TEAM.    

BACKSTROM is cleverly written and artistically photographed, (outdoor locales in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada). It is so well-layered that the depth of the main character and off-chutes of the universally likable supporting cast can be examined for a long time.

Hidden behind a veneer of humor, the stories are intentionally far-fetched, In justifying the implausible situations, the show's true genius stems from grabbing the far-reaching sympathy of its viewers.  The crime solving is secondary, the real allure comes from how the self-sabotaging, human time-bomb tip-toes through life's little mine field while doing a great job and surviving despite himself.

BATTLE CREEK features Dean Winters as detective Russ Agnew, in a improperly funded small town police department. I recognized Winters as the star of the "mayhem" commercials for All-State insurance, (other such companies have their TV spokespeople; like the Geico gecko and Flo from Progressive).

I liked Winters' stage presence in those ads so much, that I once said, "He should get his own show." Maybe I'm more sophisticated than I thought because he is the co-star of, Battle Creek.

IN "BATTLE CREEK," WINTERS (left) AS RUSS AGNEW, IS FORCED INTO A PARTNERSHIP WITH  THE NEAR-PERFECT JOSH DUHAMEL, (AN UNWANTED FBI AGENT MILTON CHAMBERLAIN, SENT TO ASSIST THE EMBATTLED LOCAL COPS).  THE SPARKS FLY WHILE WORKING ALONG SIDE THE GOLDEN BOY, AGNEW'S EFFECTIVENESS COMES INTO QUESTION, (BOTH AS A COP AND A PERSON ).  INTERESTINGLY, TO BE CONSISTENT WITH HIS MAYHEM CHARACTER, WINTERS SEEMS TO GET SCUFFED-UP IN EACH EPISODE.

The battle of Battle Creek is outwardly Winters, (as Russ Agnew) struggling with his insecurities.  He uses his dedication to the job to hide his fears and perpetuate his loneliness. Those problems are heightened by the unenviable situation of competing against Mr. Perfect FBI Man.

Agent *Chamberlain appreciates the local cop's predicament and along with Agnew's supportive coworkers, try unsuccessfully, to show their friend and colleague, a better path through life.

* I like the homage to Wilt Chamberlain that the Battle Creek writers used, in naming the pristine FBI agent "Milt" Chamberlain.  Even better, upon closer examination, both Milt and Wilt weren't as perfect as they seemed.

WILT CHAMBERLAIN (1936-1999) WAS MY FAVORITE BASKETBALL PLAYER WHEN I WAS A KID. WHETHER IT WAS AT THE UNIVERSITY OF KANSAS, WITH THE HARLEM GLOBETROTTERS OR MUCH MORE SO IN THE NBA, HE WAS A NEARLY PERFECT SCORING MACHINE.  UNFORTUNATELY DESPITE THIS GIANT'S INCREDIBLE OFFENSIVE PROWESS , HE WILL ALWAYS BE CONSIDERED SECOND BEST BECAUSE OF HOW WELL ONE MAN DEFENDED HIM...AND ALL THE CHAMPIONSHIPS EARNED BY THAT RIVAL, BILL RUSSELL.

The psychology behind Russ Agnew's inability to help himself is the cornerstone of the show.  Unlike a schmaltzy soap opera, the viewer is tantalized by how the hero must sift through his issues and find the deserved happiness that everyone else can envision for him.  If that wasn't enough, simultaneously we take a guilty pleasure at how Agnew tries to unmask the real reason why the federal golden boy has been banished to an inferior position, (his town).

My DVR has been instrumental in helping me see each episode of BACKSTROM and BATTLE CREEK.  In the VCR days, I lacked (still do) the tech savvy or patience to learn the complications of setting the damned thing. The DVR is so simple that even I can do it.

A DIGITAL VIDEO RECORDER (DVR) IS A CONSUMER ELECTRONICS GIZMO OR APPLICATION SOFTWARE THAT RECORDS VIDEO IN A DIGITAL FORMAT TO A DISK DRIVE, USB FLASH DRIVE, SD MEMORY CARD OR OTHER LOCAL OR NETWORK MASS STORAGE DEVICE.  ROUGHLY TRANSLATED INTO ENGLISH; THIS GADGET RECORDS TV SHOWS SO YOU CAN WATCH THEM WHEN YOU WANT.

Back in the VCR days, I remember seeing snippets of,  "THE X-FILES" during breaks at work.  I was never a sci-fi guy but in those fifteen-minute windows, I always intrigued. Of course I wasn't intrigued enough to go through the rigmarole of remembering to go home and program my VCR.  So I never saw more than a scene or two at a time.

THE AWARD WINNING  "X-FILES" WAS A MAINSTAY ON TV FOR NINE SEASONS, (202 EPISODES, 1993-2002).  BEYOND SCI-FI, IT APPEALED TO A WIDE AUDIENCE BY CUTTING ACROSS MANY GENRES INCLUDING; HORROR, DRAMA AND MYSTERY.

Times are different now.  So while on a recent break at work, I got heavily into watching a cop drama on TV.  You could have heard a pin drop the whole time as everyone in the room was absorbed.  On my way out I whispered to an electrician, "What show is this?"

The show was, "FOREVER."  It had slipped through my fingers but through the miracle of "ON DEMAND" and my DVR, I can easily go back see everything I missed.

ABC-TV's, "FOREVER," STARRING IOAN GRUFFUDD (above) MADE ITS DEBUT ON SEPTEMBER 22, 2014, (22 EPISODES).  THE SHOW IS A FANTASY CRIME DRAMA ABOUT A NEW YORK CITY MEDICAL EXAMINER WHO HAPPENS TO BE 200-YEARS OLD...AND IMMORTAL.  EVERY TIME HE DIES, HE DISAPPEARS AND RE-APPEARS SOMEWHERE ELSE.

Gruffudd is charming as Dr. Henry Morgan.   Complete with a British accent, in a Sherlock Holmes-like manner, he assists the NYPD in solving murders without letting on about his "condition" or two centuries of medical expertise.  Through deduction and the experience of his colorful past, the audience is treated to history lessons through flashbacks to Morgan's doctoring on; a slave ship, involvement in the Jack the Ripper case, the D-Day invasion etc.

"Forever" has many built-in devices to keep it going..."forever."  The most compelling one is, Dr. Morgan frequently looks at his immortality as a curse. He is often shown as pre-occupied as he investigates how to sidestep his "gift" in order to finally rest in peace.

At the same time, a recurring character "Adam" is apparently "infected" by a 2000-year version of the same evil affliction. However, Adam wants to murder Morgan, but the doctor wants to die on his own terms.

Additionally, a female detective finds Morgan fascinating.  Several times when he puts together obscure clues and comes up with a solution, she says, "How could you possibly know that?" Through this partnership, her admiration blossoms beyond a mere fondness until she suffers from unrequited love.

This show is so good that despite the para-normal gimmicks, I appreciate the acting, its intelligence, depth and high production value.

So between, BACKSTROM, BATTLE CREEK and FOREVER, I'll be entertained with cool triple features for years...or so you would think.  Sadly, yesterday, I came up with a startling revelation or should I say, I got kicked in my balls.

Suddenly, my "nothing's better than a triple-header," line has gone sour.  Upon researching "Backstrom" I found out that its ratings were putrid...and Fox cancelled the show earlier this week!

I cared what happened to Backstrom.  I made an investment of time, thought and emotion but came up empty. It felt like I had the character's metaphoric blood and guts in my hands.  Rather than cry about my loss, I rushed to make sure that "Battle Creek" wasn't slashed...  But CBS had already done its fiendish worst.  I was stunned.  The world will never learn Detective Agnew's fate or what his nemesis did to be dumped in Battle Creek?

When I stopped feeling sorry for myself, an impulse of fear careened through my nervous system.  I concluded, what if "Forever," (my latest and only cop show gem I had left), was also gutted and tossed atop the dung heap of cancelled shows.

I knew it was impossible but to be on the safe side, I was motivated to see it in black and white.  Holy cow!  I never counted on the color red. After all, how could corporate bigwigs cut such an ingenious program especially with an eternal title like,"Forever"...but due to marginal ratings, it was axed! That means, I wasn't kicked in the balls once, I wasn't kick in the balls twice...I was kicked in the balls thrice!  OUCH, OUCH and OUCH!!!

Maybe I should contact a certified wordsmith to help me find a negative counterpart to my; nothing's better ...than a triple-header line.  So far the best I can do is; anything's better...than a triple-header.

Oy, it's time to crank-up the old DVR and get ready to settle in for an inferior triple-header of, "THE THREE STOOGES," "MY THREE SONS" and "THREE ON A MATCH."

"THREE ON A MATCH," (1971-1974) WAS A DULL QUIZ SHOW HOSTED BY BILL CULLEN, (above).

Sometimes you can't account for people's taste, (tripe like "THREE ON A MATCH" lasted three seasons).  So I'm left unhappily baffled.  I can't believe all three of my cop show favorites will be forever linked to and be considered the same lame crap as, "THE SECOND HUNDRED YEARS."

UNDERDOG

Here's the mother of all coincidences!  Aside from being Hollywood celebrities, what does Marlon Brando's close boyhood (and lifelong) friend have in common with the actor who saved Frank Sinatra from drowning?  These seemingly unconnected mystery men come face-to-face in a jumbled set of odd circumstances, to help reach the point of today's blog.

Oh joy of joys! For the last three weeks, it has been spring cleaning at my house.  Each year, I take on the least desirable jobs, (many of which are also done in October).  Of these, snaking (dredging), the drains are my least favorite.  The look and smell of oodles of hairy clumps, made pasty by the stagnant fermentation of hair products, is revolting. To add drama and time to this easy to do, yet disgusting task, is wrestling the snake when it gets caught-up in one of our four sinks or two shower drains.

CLEANING THE DRAINS IS A "LOW-MAN ON THE TOTEM POLE" KIND OF JOB.  BUT I'M NOT COMPLAINING...JUST REALIZE THAT IN NO WAY, SHAPE, MATTER OR FORM THAT I'M RESPONSIBLE FOR CLOGGING DRAINS, AT LEAST WITH HAIR...

The other household projects I take on are also simple but time consuming.  The king of this category is the three-step procedure of dusting the vertical blinds.  The actual dusting is boring dog work but washing the windows at the end, is a breeze. However sandwiched in between, is the epic orgy of painstakingly removing a year's worth of crud, soot, cobwebs, dead bugs and leaf fragments from the narrow metal runners at the bottom of each sill, (those runners help snap the windows shut).

The proper way to wile away the hours while doing this, is to blast the, "Classic Rock and Roll Channel" on the TV. Then it's essential to be armed with a vacuum cleaner, all-purpose spray cleaner, industrial-strength paper towels, a flat-head screwdriver (for the fine work in the corners) and Q-Tips, (for the finer work in those same corners).

To do a crackerjack job, there is a tremendous amount of redundancy.  That means going back and forth, over and over and retracing your steps until each ladybug carcass, grain of sand, nano pebble and stain has been eradicated.

My big problem happened during the confined quarters execution of erasing a stubborn stain. Beyond the most remote nook and cranny, like a man on a mission against the unholy dirt-devil, I scrubbed like a man possessed. Until YOWIE !  I crushed one of my top ten favorite fingers, (the middle right).

Goddamn it, I was in agony.  A lesser man would have voluntarily had it amputated to stop the pain but I chose to gut it out. I soaked my poor crippled digit in cold water but it kept throbbing.  In a short time, a thin line of dried blood formed under the bent back nail of my reddening finger tip.  I thought about working in the casino that night and realized that I would be operating a card dealing machine that requires pushing a button.

LIKE ACTOR MATTHEW PERRY (above) TWO OF MY FRIENDS,  (JOEMAC AND GRANDFATHERKLOCK)  HAVE LOST THE LAST JOINT OF A FINGER TO AN ACCIDENT.

I knew as terrible as my mishap was, I couldn't show up at work and demand to be put on light-duty. Nor could I piss and moan to my friends, (when JOEMAC came close to severing his finger, he shrugged it off, used duct tape and came to work the same night).  So I decided that I'd be okay if I remembered to use my healthy index finger instead. However, at that moment when I looked back at my partially completed spring cleaning, I knew the window runners would have to wait till another day. I switched off the music and took solace in watching TV.

Everybody hates the rates that their cable provider charges.  So many times, you look at the gazillions of available channels and are perplexed by the fact that "there's nothing on." Overwhelmingly, I (most people) still use only a small handful of stations.  Well, we all know that cable companies will NEVER respond to complaints by reducing the cost...so in loyalty to their customers caught-up in their monopoly, they add new channels, to give the impression that they are hooking everyone up.

In my cable company's latest new channel foray, they have actually bequeathed me several stations that I like, (I still hate the company).  Included are vintage movie networks, (with commercial interruptions) like; "MOVIES," "THIS" and "THE WORKS."  Also they have added, "METV" and "DECADE" that air old TV shows.

While my finger ached, I tuned into the newest movie channel, "THE WORKS."  They were showing a 1953 film noire called, "99 RIVER STREET."  The TV synopsis gave this corny, innocent man tracking down his unfaithful wife's killer yarn, three stars?  It was a miracle I stayed awake. MIKE123 one of my friends at work later said, "I heard Martin Scorsese studied the boxing sequences in this film before making 1980's, 'RAGING BULL.'"

THE AMERICAN FILM INSTITUTE (AFI) RATED RAGING BULL, A BIOGRAPHY OF BOXER JAKE LaMOTTA, AS THE FOURTH GREATEST MOVIE OF ALL-TIME...AS WELL AS, THE BEST SPORTS-RELATED FILM...99 RIVER STREET, NOT SO MUCH. 

I came away from 99 River Street thinking it was a dated tapestry of silly banality. However, I was intrigued by a quasi-familiar face.  I waited to see the closing credits because I couldn't put my finger (healthy index finger) on the third billing villain, who turned out to be Brad Dexter.

BRAD DEXTER (1917-2002) HAD A FORTY-FOUR YEAR CAREER ON THE SILVER SCREEN AND TV.  SOME OF HIS MOVIES THAT I'M FAMILIAR WITH ARE; 1950's, "THE ASPHALT JUNGLE," 1958's "RUN SILENT, RUN DEEP" AND "SHAMPOO," FROM 1975.  BUT HIS MOST MEMORABLE ROLE WAS AS HARRY LUCK, THE MOST MERCENARY OF THE HEROES IN 1960's, "THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN."

Dexter was frequently over shadowed by his contemporaries.  To prove it, in the trivia question; name the magnificent seven actors, he is almost always the last to be remembered.

I CHANNEL SURFED DURING A COMMERCIAL.  SESAME STREET WAS ON.  I RECALLED WHEN MY SON ANDREW WAS YOUNG THEY HAD A FUNNY SKIT FEATURING A MAGNIFICENT SEVEN, (above).  BUT FIRST THEY SHOWED A DULL SEVEN, THEN A MAGNIFICENT FIVE...UNTIL THEY GOT IT RIGHT.

Along with my finger, it was killing me during the movie that I couldn't place Dexter's hauntingly familiar face.  I was concentrating on his light-colored eyes when I paused the TV and ran upstairs to look this flick up in my movie book.  But there was something else about him and my 1500+ page book didn't help.

To ease my mind after failing to find the Brad Dexter connection I was looking for,  I clicked the TV and soon found myself on the DECADE network.  They were showing the 1966 pilot episode of, "MISSION IMPOSSIBLE."  It caught my interest because the Peter Graves character Mr. Phelps, was missing. Instead, Stephen Hill of TV's, "LAW AND ORDER" was the team leader, Mr. Briggs.

The rest of the original cast, with one other exception, were the *regulars I was used to.

* If the actual plot didn't catch your attention, seeing sizzling Barbara Bain clad only in a skimpy towel could rationalize becoming a regular viewer.

The one irregular cast member who stood out was Wally Cox, as safe cracker Terry Targo, (it would be his only appearance in the series).

WALLY COX  (1924-1973) WAS A COMIC ACTOR WHO WAS TYPECAST AS A MILQUETOAST, (1950's LINGO FOR NERD). HIS SHOW-BIZ CAREER SKYROCKETED (1952-1955), AS SHY JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL SCIENCE TEACHER,"MR. PEEPERS."  WHILE THAT SIT-COM WAS BEFORE MY TIME, I REMEMBER HIM BEST AS A CELEBRITY ON "HOLLYWOOD SQUARES."  HE ALSO APPEARED AS A DWEEB, IN OVER 20 FILMS.  HOWEVER, HIS MOST FAMOUS ROLE WAS THE CARTOON VOICE OF "UNDERDOG."

Seeing Cox in Mission Impossible in a wife-beater tee-shirt as sweaty, yet confident safe cracker was amazing. The only time I recalled him being self-assured was in the role of Underdog, an animated superhero canine.  You may recall, to hide Underdog's secret identity, he posed as unassuming "Shoeshine Boy." (also voiced by Cox).  So whenever there was a cry for help, "Help, help!" Shoeshine Boy dropped his meek alter ego and declared, "There's no need to fear, Underdog is here!"

"UNDERDOG" RAN FROM 1964-1967 (124 EPISODES).  I LOVED IT AND IT'S CATCHY THEME MUSIC.  UNDERDOG HAD A LOVE INTEREST, SWEET POLLY PUREBRED AND FOUGHT TWO MAIN ARCHENEMIES; MAD SCIENTIST...SIMON BAR SINISTER AND CRIME BOSS...RIFF RAFF. 

You can find the iconic 1:13 Underdog song by going on Youtube or at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tEVsRLhet2k


While recalling Underdog, the wolf-like Riff Raff character came to mind...and that's when I made my connection to Brad Dexter.

I'M BETTING THAT  RIFF RAFF'S LIGHT EYES AND GANGSTER PERSONA WAS INSPIRED BY BRAD DEXTER'S ROLE IN 99 RIVER STREET.  WHILE THE NAME WAS INFLUENCED BY ACTOR GEORGE RAFT, THE LOOK IS ALL DEXTER. 

This startling Riff Raff is Brad Dexter revelation made me happy.  Not happy enough to continue cleaning dead ladybugs out the window runners with my maimed finger, but pleased to look forward to next week, when my spring cleaning goes OUTSIDE.

Sprucing-up the backyard is its own discipline.  Anyone can pick up downed branches, rake leaves and mow the grass. But before anyone dares to take any chances back there, they must cry for help, "Help, help!"  But the only real-life superhero dog who single-handedly keeps squirrels from taking over South Jersey, doesn't come to my rescue.  The reason why is, my superhero dog is the guilty party who perpetrated a whole winter's worth of "Roxy-Bombs."

MY SUPERHERO ROXY DOG (above, flying over downtown Galloway), IS PERFECT IN SO MANY WAYS.  BUT NOW, I UNFORTUNATELY SAY, IT'S TIME TO PUT CONDITIONS ON MY UNCONDITIONAL LOVE FOR HER.  IF THE LAWN IS STREWN WITH HER MOCHA SURPRISES, LET HER CLEAN THAT SHIT UP!

Until my finger heals or until Roxy takes on her responsibilities, I'll have to hire Brad Dexter and his henchmen to make my backyard safe for foot traffic.

                                                                              #

Hard to believe but true, smashing my finger drove me to investigate where I knew Brad Dexter from. Then Wally Cox came to mind.  Incredibly, Cox led me to Underdog and then to his cartoon enemies...after going full circle, there he was, Brad Dexter as the animated baddie, Riff Raff.

                                                                                   

If that was all there was to it, the coincidence would still be fantastic.  But get this, the least cool guy in the world, Wally Cox was the boyhood friend...and lifelong confidant of the essence of cool, Marlon Brando.  It is said that after Cox's untimely death at age 48, that Brando kept his ashes.  Later when Brando passed, he stipulated that his people would intertwine both men's ashes and spread them in Death Valley and Tahiti.

Brad Dexter proved his meddle and gained major ups when he saved Frank Sinatra from drowning. On May 10, 1964 in Hawaii, during time off in the filming of, "NONE BUT THE BRAVE," Sinatra while swimming at the beach was swept out to sea.  Dexter a burly former boxer saved "Old Blues Eyes" and was awarded the Red Cross' medal for bravery.

DON'T LET YOUR NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS BE A CROCK!

Did you ever know deep in your heart that something was wrong?  But because it was so minor, you didn't speak up...even though it was driving you crazy?

Television personality Phil "Dr. Phil" McGraw once said of New Year's resolutions, "A year from now, you're gonna weigh more or less what you do right now."  On the surface I agree that we should be comfortable in our own skin.  But on a deeper level, while it's true that we must play the cards of life that we are dealt...I think it's more important for us to evolve, improve and be a better person.

PHIL McGRAW (1950-PRESENT) IS AN AUTHOR AND  FORMER PSYCHOLOGIST.  HE IS BEST KNOWN FOR STARRING IN HIS OWN TV SHOW, "DOCTOR PHIL," SINCE 2002.


Most resolutions are a crock.  People want to feel that they are in charge of their lives and that they are willing to make sacrifices in the name of self betterment. I know because I do that too. I've made the same resolution for thirty years and sadly, little has changed. So today's blog is dedicated to my New Year's resolution to be more assertive.  The irony is, to be more assertive all you need to be is...more assertive...and somehow it never happens  But here we are three days into the new year and I have already gone the extra mile...through the miracle of FACEBOOK.  

FACEBOOK THE KING OF ONLINE SOCIAL NETWORKING WAS FOUNDED BY MARK ZUCKERBERG, AMONG OTHERS, IN FEBRUARY 2004.

First, I digress by saying that in 1975, I lent my cherished 1963 New York Mets yearbook to a close friend.  It took about a year until he returned it.  About another year after that, I leafed through it and realized that...that particular copy wasn't mine.

Shortly there after I moved to Las Vegas.  So for five more years, this impostor Mets yearbook was tucked away in my parents' attic.  In 1984, my wife and I moved back in with my folks while waiting for my New Jersey casino license to be approved.  I never stressed about yearbook but when the sports memorabilia collecting phenomena gained momentum, I made it a point to re-unite with my potential treasure, (back then, a pristine copy was worth $175.00).

The bottom line was, the stained, creased and frayed piece of junk that had been foisted upon me was in the condition that's worse than terrible and beyond poor. That translates into being a worthless collectible. BUT...bear in mind, this replacement was in far better condition than my original. Nevertheless, because it might be the single item I possess the longest, (over fifty years), it has a sentimental value that can not be put in dollars and cents.

I know now that I ruined my original by writing all-over the inside.  My graffiti included; mustaches on the players, blackened teeth, arrows through heads, Martian-like antennas, antlers and eye patches. Then with the ignorance only found in the under ten-year old crowd, I misspelled (with horrid penmanship) such pre-profanity phrases as, "You stink," "Trade me to the miners" and "I smell reel bad."

During the course of 1984, I had a chance meeting with that friend.  I wasn't angry about the book but would have liked some clarification.  But he was messed-up and didn't seem lucid enough for even an informal interrogation about insignificant, old news.

Afterwards I realized that if he lost it, he went through great lengths to get a replacement, (another way to identify the hoax was that different players were featured).  That meant he found a similar book and tore off the cover.  But he over looked the fact that his was a revised mid-season edition and that my issue the original.

Now thirty years later as I confront my need to be assertive, I was watching "BRAD MELTZER'S LOST HISTORY," on TV.

BRAD MELTZER (1970-PRESENT) IS AN AUTHOR.  HE HAS HOSTED A SHOW CALLED, "DECODED." ITS 23-EPISODE RUN WAS BASED ON HIM SENDING A THREE-MEMBER TEAM, (A LAWYER, JOURNALIST AND AN ENGINEER) TRAIPSING ALL OVER THE WORLD TO DECIPHER THE GREAT CRYPTIC MYSTERIES IN HISTORY.

Now his latest "LOST HISTORY" show just finished its first ten episode season.  It deals with prominent historical items that have been lost or stolen.  Crazy as it seems, the famous flag raised by the firemen on 911 is gone!  The original airplane patent the Wright Brother's filed is missing and Adolph Hitler's personal photo album hasn't been seen in decades.  Even crazier, treasures like this have been stolen and mislaid while in the custody of famous museums, our government archives and private collections. I find it fascinating that Lost History viewers are encouraged (through cash rewards) to help recover these rapidly disappearing artifacts.  It would seem impossible but some have been recovered from people's basements, warehouses, at garage sales and online.

You never could expect something like the remains of  JFK's brain to go missing. Or that someone stole George Washington's false teeth.  Or unless a new copy of the Apollo-11 moon landing video is found, the public will only see the multi-generation copy of a copy of a copy we all know, (it seems that due to budget cuts, NASA believes the only known clear copy has been erased? But experts think there are more out there).

Yesterday, a segment of Lost History intrigued me.  It had to do with authenticating the original Derringer that John Wilkes Booth assassinated Abraham Lincoln with. An anonymous tip to the show, alleged that the gun on display in Washington DC's Ford's Theater was a fake.  That a perpetrator broke into the display case and did the old switcheroo.  It was fascinating to see the time consuming, costly process of proving the gun was in fact the original.

This switcheroo...made me think of my yearbook.  But I didn't act on my need to know the truth. Then kismet was on my side that same day. While on FACEBOOK, the icon popped up, "People You May Know."  And there was my Mets yearbook friend's sister's name.  With all the assertiveness I could master, I messaged her.  It was not only the right person but she remembered me.  She thought it would be a great idea to reach out to her brother.  He doesn't use FACEBOOK.  So I sent him an E-Mail.

I concentrated on getting my foot in the door. My E-Mail was simple.  Hey how you doing.  I've been here and there.  I'm married, my son Andrew is going to be twenty-one next months etc, etc.

The second part of my plan would bring up the yearbook mystery, in a second E-Mail. Unfortunately I was remembering my friend's personality from the mid-70's.  That person would have been proud to explain the genius behind every aspect of his forgery.  Instead I got a response that screams out, I've had a tough life and I don't want to share the gory details with you.  His actual note read:"I'm glad you're okay.  Please don't E-Mail me again."

Do I get credit for being assertive?  Maybe I'll call Phil :Dr. Phil" McGraw.  But he'll probably tell me all New Year's resolutions are a crock.

SURVIVING "THE MENTALIST"

It's incredibly sad to look at the devastation from last week's typhoon in the Philippines.  My heart goes out to victims and hope those who lived through this disaster can recover.  If something like that happened to me, I wonder how I would fair.

I remembered seeing the 2000 movie “CAST AWAY” and marveling how the Tom Hanks character (Chuck Noland) used his wits to cope with desperation after a plane crash.

THE TITLE IS TWO WORDS BECAUSE NOLAND (GET IT...NO LAND) HAS BEEN 'CAST AWAY' FROM SOCIETY AS OPPOSED TO BEING A 'CASTAWAY' ON A DOT IN THE PACIFIC.

From plane wreckage, Noland uses creativity to make fire without matches, build a shelter and find food. I have zero survival skills, so the old slogan; need is the mother of invention...might work in my favor…but I doubt it.

We find out even with the comforts of home, that four years of isolation takes an enormous emotional toll. But the small successes that allowed Noland to physically persevere for so long eventually fade.  Hope is replaced by despair and soon into resignation. The audience learns that Noland was prepared to jump off a cliff.

In his shoes, I would NEVER have considered suicide because it would be obvious to me that I'd have a short shelf-life, on my own, under horrific conditions. A nervous breakdown wouldn't have had time to fester because I would have died from exposure, starvation, dehydration or hyperthermia by day-three.  However, under far less brutal conditions, I think I could last four years of being alone...because, when I talk to myself, I've been told that I can be rather entertaining.

The documentary-style TV show “SURVIVORMAN” must've been influenced by that movie.

LES STROUD (above) WAS "SURVIVORMAN."  DURING THIS ULTIMATE REALITY SERIES', 28 EPISODE RUN, (2004, 2007, 2008 AND 2012), HE VIDEO-TAPED HIMSELF AS HE DISCRIBED HIS SITUATION IN THE HARSHEST ENVIRONMENTS, IN THE MOST REMOTE PLACES WITH LITTLE OR NO FOOD, WATER OR EQUIPMENT, (YES, A RESCUE PARTY WAS CLOSE ENOUGH TO SAVE HIM IN AN EMERGENCY).

Before "Cast Away" and "Survivorman," I remember KURUDAVE used to play a board game that was based upon answering survival skill questions. He bragged about being able to apply a tourniquet, treat a venomous snake bite and convert his own urine into drinking water. My reaction always was…trust me, I know a moot point when I see one…I know how to keep safe…by not going camping in the Amazon, picnicking in Antarctica or hunting scorpions in the Sahara.

Hypothetical, one-in-a-million survival scenarios are too abstract. I have a deeper appreciation for how ordinary people protect them self when a normal situation spirals out of control.

I developed part of that appreciation from a *1971 movie, (spoiler alert). The ultra-violent, psychological thriller, “STRAW DOGS,” has a more realistic approach to how your average Joe Schmo rises up to survive acute danger.  * Don't get roped into the 2010 re-make.

STRAW DOGS IS A MAN'S MOVIE.  I SAW IT IN THE THEATER WHEN I WAS SIXTEEN AND IT MADE MY HAIR STAND ON END. I SAW IT ONCE MORE A FEW YEARS AGO...ALTHOUGH MY HAIR DIDN'T STAND ON END...I THINK IT WOULD HAVE IF I HAD ANY.

Dustin Hoffman plays David Sumner, a nerdy mathematician who is disturbed by the violence that has disintegrated American society. Together with his hot, English wife Amy, (Susan George), they move back to the serenity of her small, peaceful, (fictional) coastal village Wakely, in Cornwall.

IN ENGLAND'S SOUTHWEST CORNER, CORNWALL IS A PENINSULA-SHAPED COUNTY SURROUNDED BY THE CELTIC SEA, THE ENGLISH CHANNEL AND THE COUNTY DOVER.

The Sumner's move into a farmhouse in need of repairs. While wimpy Hoffman craves quiet to do his work, his wife hires some local handymen. Unfortunately primitive savagery can exist beneath any surface. This is especially true because the workers selected include her ex-lover and his less than genteel friends.

In a combination of being bored and angry with her husband, she flirts with the repair gang. She even parades past an open curtain to haughtily expose her self.  The workmen don't appreciate the teasing and begin a campaign of petty harrassment.  Amy wants her timid husband to stand-up to the goons.  But his naive diplomacy nets him a friendly nighttime hunting trip with them.  They set-up Sumner to wait in the woods and go back and gang rape Amy.

Days go by and gullable Sumner has no idea he was deceived into staying behind or that the hooligans had their way with his now withdrawn wife.  One night, the drunken workmen return to the farmhouse.  In an odd set of circumstances, Sumner must defend his house against them...but for the wrong reason.  In the mini-war that follows, unprepared Sumner "mans-up" in a life-or-death struggle to survive.

I couldn’t imagine doing well under these circumstances. I’ve been so brow-beaten from my childhood till now by controlling neat-freaks, (like the highly punishable necessity of wiping my feet before coming in the house), that the idea of actually throwing the kitchen sink at attackers is beyond the scope of what my well-trained mind can handle.

Another example of survival techniques is the current TV show, “THE MENTALIST.”

THE MENTALIST IS A POLICE PROCEDURAL TV DRAMA THAT DEBUTED IN SEPTEMBER 2008.  IT FEATURES SIMON BAKER AS PATRICK JANE, A CONSULTANT FOR THE CALIFORNIA BUREAU OF INVESTIGATIONS (CBI).

I have been duped by this show for six years. My strong attraction is based on the psychological survival skills of Patrick Jane. 

His back-story includes being brought up by his coniving father, in a carnival.  In that atmosphere, young Patrick learned the craft of mind reading and other parlor tricks to become a con man.  He then parlayed those abilities to become a more lucrative psychic.  Unfortunately, his grandstanding antics resulted in the barbaric murder of his wife and child, by serial killer, "Red John."

Jane is hired by to CBI to use his sharpened observational abilities, perceptive powers and understanding of human nature to solve murders.  But he uses his position to camouflage his hidden agenda...revenge on mysterious Red John.

The show's cleverness is confined to when the crime solving ensemble cast tip-toes through its normal (yaddy-yadda) cases while injecting clues about Red John.  The typical viewer (such as myself) is teased by these clues to continue following the story. Along the way, we see past the mask of Jane’s upbeat façade. Thus making him more sympathetic as his inner angst deteriorates into inconsolable remorse. When that happens, the usually unflappable crime consultant becomes crippled by his crazed, stubborn determination to both identify this anti-Christ-like villain and wreak wrathful justice on him.

The Mentalist got off to a great start in the ratings. I would like to think the huge fan base was curious to how the story was to play-out...specifically who is Red John and what will Patrick Jane do to him.

Until Red John is caught, the audience relates to troubled Jane. If the viewer has a heart, they must wonder, how far we would go, to mentally survive under such grave circumstances. But something tells me that most viewers just like watching because lead actor Simon Baker is so good-looking.

BORN (1969) IN TASMANIA AUSTRALIA, (WOW, TASMANIA IS A REAL PLACE) SIMON BAKER (THE LITTLE DEVIL) HAS APPEARED IN OVER 20 FILMS AND AS MANY TV SHOWS.  WHILE THE MENTALIST HAS SPUN INTO DULL, SOAP OPERA-LIKE SUB-PLOTS INVOLVING LESS INTERESTING (LESS BELIEVABLE) CHARACTERS AND (LESS COMPELLING) ACTORS, HE REMAINS MY SINGLE "GO-TO" GUY ON THE SHOW.

Now in its sixth and final season, (122 episodes to date), the show has become watered down. In struggling for originality, the plots have become increasingly far-fetched. Had I not invested so much time and thought trying to unravel this whodunit, to save my sanity and mentally survive, I would have dumped the show long ago. Now that I perceive what direction the last three installments are going…I fear that I must protect myself with a force field against disappointment.  Yes, I expect the worst because the writers can't possibly profit by simply having Colonel Mustard use a pipe in the conservatory to end the series.

TV's "PERRY MASON" AND THE BOARD GAME "CLUE" WERE MY EARLIEST EXPOSURE TO CRIME SOLVING. BUT CONTEMPORARY VIEWERS ARE MORE SOPHISTICATED AND NEED GREATER DEPTH TO THEIR MYSTERIES.

So, it doesn't matter what I guess will happen.  The Menatalist's writers have had a great run but they have now painted them self into a corner.  That means that the only way out will be a spectacular (stupid) ending that NOBODY...even Perry Mason could have pieced together.

Lord help me, starting tonight and extending for two more Sundays, I will finally be freed from my perceived Mentalist torment.  While on the other side of the earth the real survivors of the Philippine typhoon face the life time struggle of honoring the dead, repairing their lives and dealing with trauma of out-living their family, friends and neighbors.

I.O.W.A. STANDS FOR, IDIOTS OUT WANDERING ABOUT

My 1976 cross country trip remains one of the highlights of my life. I liked it so much because on my own I found adventure, retraced history, discovered oddball places, learned about other cultures and met new people. I never re-experienced that joy but in the 80's and 90's, I recaptured a bit of that feeling by going to flea markets.

When flea marketing was hot, I was off on Saturday and Sunday. And because my wife and local friends were casino people, I was left alone to venture all over South Jersey and rekindle the flame of joy that I mentioned above.

AERIAL VIEW OF THE FARMER'S MARKET IN BERLIN NEW JERSEY. IF YOU SQUINT, YOU CAN SEE ME AND MY THREE-YEAR OLD SON ANDREW IN AISLE SIX, AT THE SNO-CONE STAND. WE BROUGHT MY DAD'S COLLECTION OF EARLY 60's TRUE MAGAZINES TO A VENDOR. I WAS OFFERED SEVEN CENTS A COPY. MY BOY WAS IMPATIENT AND DIFFICULT TO HANDLE BUT I DIDN'T WANT TO CARRY THE "RAGS" BACK TO THE CAR. IT STILL KILLS ME THAT I, "GAVE THEM AWAY," FOR $2.94.

Heavier responsibilities ended my vagabond days. However, I recently found a reality TV show that touches on many of those old emotions. Its called, "AMERICAN PICKERS."

A "PICKER" REFERS TO SOMEBODY WHO WORKS IN FIELD AND HUNTS DOWN ANTIQUES AND OTHER ITEMS. PEOPLE LIKE MIKE WOLFE (left) AND FRANK FRITTS (right), REPRESENT THE ORIGIN OF THE COLLECTIBLES PIPE-LINE, BY CHERRY-PICKING WHATEVER CAN BE RESOLD FOR A PROFIT.

AMERICAN PICKERS features the two Laurel and Hardy-like pickers (see above), from Le Claire Iowa. It debuted on January 18, 2010 and is concurrently being aired on "THE HISTORY CHANNEL" and "LIFETIME." MIKE IS THE PASSIONATE NUMBER-ONE MAN. HE SPECIALIZES IN BICYCLES AND MOTORCYCLES, LIKE THE 1937 KNUCKLEHEAD ABOVE. FRANK, THE SECOND BANANA, GRAVITATES TO TOYS AND VINTAGE OIL CANS.

Their enterprise is called, "ANTIQUE ARCHAEOLOGY." While they crisscross the country in their van searching for tarnished gold, an employee, (Danielle) minds the command center back in Iowa. Through the use of business sense and her feminine charm, she uses the Internet and telephone to do advance scouting and research leads. Equally important, she connects Mike and Frank with appraisers in the furthest corners of the middle of nowhere, to answer questions and establish prices.

Danielle also uses her wiles to advertise merchandise. Sometimes new purchases are sold before they reach the shop. Along the way, the home viewer experiences their adventures inter-laced with team's three-sided, good-natured taunting. That adventure is sure to include; history lessons, a visit to unusual places, seeing other cultures in action and meeting tons of cool people.

The History Channel has another, somewhat similar program. "PAWN STARS," features the Harrison family and their Las Vegas pawn broker shop. I liked this show because you never knew what was coming in the store next plus every customer had a story. I would have been satisfied with it if "Pickers" never came around.

COMPARED TO AMERICAN PICKERS, PAWN STARS COMES OFF LIKE THREE GENERATIONS OF WEALTHY WISE-ASS, FAT-CATS.

The Pawn Stars show is sanitary. They are in a dirty business but they never get dirty. Overwhelmingly, everyone has to come to them. And if the "pawner" doesn't like the deal, they are given a dour, take it or leave it ultimatum. I'm also put off by the fact that they are located in Las Vegas and frequently prey on desperate/down and out gamblers who might feel compelled to accept less.

Even the way they use humor to humanize themselves doesn't work for me. Pawn Stars use the "THREE STOOGES" method. Grandpa only stops counting his money when he's angry. That's when he verbally slaps his son Rick. Rick (the number-one man) has genuine enthusiasm and knowledge for his profession but when he gets slapped, he turns around slaps his son, Big Hoss. Then dimensionless Hoss, who comes off like a monetary mercenary who's only other desire is to prove to his dad and granddad that he is already worthy of running the show, turns around and insults a worker, (Chumlee). And when your at the end of the stooge totem pole like Curley...when Chumlee turns around there is nobody to slap.

I'm sure that the Harrison's worked hard to get where they are but the American Pickers possess and maintain the work ethic that our country stands for. Mike has been picking since he as eight. Together with Frank, a friend from his early teens, they started buying and selling. With the advent of EBAY, they widened their customer base.

Mike says he was making around fifty thousand a year when he produced a "how to" video on picking. This video found its way into the hands of TV producers on the History Channel and the show was soon born. While they didn't divulge Mike's current earnings, he did say that because of the show's success, their web-site activity has spiked to about three-hundred hits a day. Plus, they are now planning to expand their home-base to accommodate walk-ins.

The Iowa boys use a combination of Danielle's leads and cold calls. A cold call occurs when they drop in on a house or business with certain exterior indicators suggesting that there might be items they could buy and re-sell. Armed with a friendly face and a handbill that describes what they do and what they are interested in, they knock on doors. Many times, people invite them onto their property. Some folks are active collectors and some are looking to downsize and still others are people who inherited tons of accumulated junk.

At no time do I ever lose sight of the fact that everyone knows they are on camera. That means that the viewer is only seeing what the director wants them see. On occasion, I'm sure they might be considered invaders and have doors slammed in their face. Nevertheless, the sellers we see are interesting, thought provoking and entertaining.

I have seen the boys deal with hippies, hobos and housewives as well as curmudgeons, clowns and castaways. I've seen them sift through old stores, theaters, churches, amusement park and even a prison. But mostly, they work with collectors who invite them into the inner sanctum of their old barns, basements or in the great outdoors.

You have to give them credit for risking life and limb by climbing tenuous piles of junk or dragging out heavy or delicate treasures. Sometimes these tasks are performed in dusty, filthy and wet conditions. Other times they are exposed to poison ivy, bat guano or a hundred kinds of pestilence, in search of the almighty buck.

I can relate to Mike and Frank's trials and tribulations because my BFF ZIMBO, is an antique dealer, (TIME AND AGAIN ANTIQUES). On a smaller scale, I know what he goes through. Zimbo might not be wading through swamps with precious cargo balancing on his head but because he is generally on his own, Mr. Z. has developed a laundry list of picking injuries that include his back, knee, heel and hip. And something tells me, you can add a thousand hours of psychotherapy too.

TIME AND AGAIN ANTIQUES IS LOCATED AT 1416 E. LINDEN AVENUE, IN LINDEN NEW JERSEY 07036 AND CAN BE REACHED AT: (800) 290-5401. OR AT: www.timeandagainantiques.com. ASK FOR ZIMBO, (a.k.a. JEFF), AND TELL HIM YOU ARE A FAN OF, "MORE GLIB ThAN PROFOUND."

It's hard to believe but Iowa has beaten Las Vegas as my favorite buy and sell reality TV show. The ultimate capitalists, American Pickers come and unearth stuff that might disintegrate or get hauled to the dump. Then through a restoration process, Mike, Frank and Danielle, in a self effacing manner, recycle grand and not so grand pieces into new life. Voila, what you are left with is a slice of Americana that might have become forgotten. Plus the luxury of going cross country with them, from your La-Z-Boy, every week. And if that wasn't enough, you also get an insight to a viable, alternative method to earning a living in these difficult economic times.

Maybe Buck Owens and Roy Clark from the comedy/variety show, "HEE HAW," were talking about Mike and Frank when they used to say; he's a pickin' and 'um a grinnin'.

MUSICIANS, OWENS (left) AND CLARK (right) RESEMBLE LAUREL AND HARDY TOO. MAYBE BETWEEN THEIR GUITAR AND BANJO JAM SESSIONS, THEY PICKED ANTIQUES TOO.

Then to top it all off, I'd love to hear one of the American Pickers to say, "You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose.

PAPER OR PLASTIC? WHAT CAME FIRST, MURRAY LANGSTON OR THE, "AINTS ?"

How exciting, a new National Football League season is right around the corner. That makes this the appropriate forum to congratulate last year's champions; the New Orleans Saints and see if they can repeat the magic. SUPERBOWL XLIV MVP, QUARTERBACK DREW BREES, HOLDS THE PRESTIGIOUS VINCE LOMBARDI TROPHY ALOFT.

Saints fans deserve a long overdo place in the positive spotlight because their team was the symbol of NFL futility...FOREVER !
"WHO DAT GONNA BEAT THE SAINTS?" IN THE EARLY YEARS...EVERYONE. THEY EVEN SEEMED TO HAVE A FOOT-HOLD ON BEING ON MORE NFL FILMS BLOOPER REELS THAN ANY OTHER TEAM.

The Saints were an expansion team in 1967. As is the case with most newly formed teams, their players were a collection of ragtag castoffs, big names well beyond their prime and rookies. The year before, the Atlanta Falcons had their inaugural season and won only one game. So when the Saints returned the opening kickoff of their first game for a touchdown, their followers were convinced that they were getting in on the ground floor of something special. It is repudiated that after the score, a fan stood-up and shouted, "This is going to be the greatest football team in history!" Due to the superstitious nature of that part of the country, (voodoo and conjuring), many felt it was that statement that forever jinxed the Saints. They lost that game, finished the season with only three wins and became synonymous with being the "doormats" of the NFL for a long time.

After 14 seasons, the New Orleans Saints still hadn't ever qualified for the playoffs. They crowned their awfulness with the 1980 season. That year, they lost their first 14 games before beating (my) New York Jets, (by one point). They finished that season with a gruesome 1-15 record. Along the way, they set a record that still stands for regular season games by losing to the 49ers, after being ahead by 28 points.

The local fans became embarrassed of the 1980 team and didn't want anyone to know they were attending the home games. So it became trendy to refer to the team as the, "Aints," and come to the stadium wearing a paper bag over their head.

WHOEVER THOUGHT OF THIS WAS A GENIUS...OR WAS HE?

The idea of wearing a paper bag to hide your identity was plagiarized or at least borrowed from Murray Langston. WHO?

Murray Langston was a Canadian-born comedian who got his big break in 1970 on TV's, "ROWAN AND MARTIN'S, LAUGH-IN." He then became a regular (100+ episodes) on the, "SONNY AND CHER SHOW." Langston continued getting work on other 70's variety shows while also writing material for, Joan Rivers, Redd Foxx, Jim Carrey and many others. He also wrote and appeared in several, "CANDID CAMERA," segments.

Langston made a terrible investment in a comedy club and went broke. Strapped for cash and desperate, he agreed to appear on TV's, "GONG SHOW." But he was so embarrassed by what he assumed was professionally, a giant step down, he insisted on wearing a bag over his head. He became billed as the "Unknown Comic."
AT FIRST, THE UNKNOWN COMIC USED AN ARSENAL OF CORNY JOKES IN RAPID-FIRE SUCCESSION. EVENTUALLY, HE GOT A BETTER RESPONSE WHEN HE AIMED RISQUE BARBS AT CHUCK BARRIS...THE SHOW'S CREATOR, PRODUCER AND HOST. TO THIS DAY, MANY PEOPLE INFLUENCED BY THE SHOW, (LIKE ME), REFER TO MEN NAMED CHUCK AS, "CHUCKY, CHUCKY, CHUCKY!"

Langston appeared in 150 episodes. He developed a cult following and let his real name get lost in the shuffle as the paper bag gimmick saved his career.
A BIG FAVORITE OF MINE, THE GONG SHOW WAS ON NBC's DAYTIME LINE-UP FROM JUNE 14, 1976 to JULY 21, 1978.

The "GONG SHOW" was a talent contest. In its original daytime format, first prize was a check for $516.32 plus a cheesy trophy. A panel of three celebrity judges would rate each act on a scale from 0-10...therefore 30 was a perfect score. However what made the show so funny was that the celebrities could bang a gong with a mallet in order to cut a contestant's performance short thus disqualifying them. Plus, the show intentionally included some terrible acts. The hi-jinx would start when there was a disagreement among the judges. Then they would pretend to fight each other to prevent an unwarranted gong.
In between the acts or as a lead-in to a commercial break, non-contestant performers were sent on the stage. My favorite was a stagehand named Eugene Patton.
NICKNAMED, "GENE-GENE THE DANCING MACHINE," PATTON WAS NOT AN ESPECIALLY GIFTED DANCER. HIS THEME SONG WAS COUNT BASIE'S, "JUMPIN' AT THE WOODSIDE." WHILE PERFORMING, OTHER STAGEHANDS WOULD THROW PROPS AT HIM FROM THE WINGS. I ALWAYS ANTICIPATED THE GIGANTIC AND REALISTIC STYROFOAM ROCK. AT FIRST IT LOOKED LETHAL...UNTIL IT BOUNCED. PATTON'S POPULARITY WAS FURTHER REWARDED WITH DIALOG IN THE 1980, "GONG SHOW," MOVIE.

The show had a stable of celebrity panelists. Jaye P. Morgan stands out because she was as perverse as 1976 censors would allow. Eventually the show switched to a nighttime version and I stopped watching. The Gong Show was still getting decent ratings when it was finally cancelled. It is definitely worth a visit to YOUTUBE to see more, (the first one at, "Unknown Comic on Gong Show," is a minute long and features a glimpse at panelists, Steve Martin, Jaye P. Morgan and host Chuck Barris).

Murray Langston, a.k.a. The Unknown Comic, was a small cog in the zany success of the Gong Show. And he should be memorialized for inventing the idea of performing with a bag over his head. Hopefully, this information doesn't burst your New Orleans Aints bubble...but at least in two weeks, your beloved Saints will finally take center stage as a serious team to beat.

"SEA HUNT," IS GOOD.

"DREAM ON," was a clever adult-themed sit-com that aired on HBO from 1990-1996. Its main character Martin Tupper, played by Brian Benben, was a neurotic New Yorker coping with divorce, dating and contemporary problems while scenes from old TV shows rattle around in his head.

While "Dream On" was a hilarious exaggeration...I was still able to relate to its underlying genius. Specifically, the implication that in the 50's and 60's, TV was a free baby-sitter...and that over-exposure caused an acute short attention span and skewed developing minds, like mine.

I DON'T RELATE ASPECTS OF MY LIFE TO GOLDEN-AGE TV SHOWS. BUT I ADMIT, I DO GET WARM AND FUZZY WHEN I SEE AN OLD FAVORITE.

I recently discovered that I get the "THIS," TV network, (locally on channel 250). THIS specializes in old movies. However, its late-night line-up includes, old half-hour shows from the 50's and 60's...like, "SEA HUNT." SEA HUNT, HAD A FOUR-YEAR, 155 EPISODE RUN FROM 1958-1961.

Lloyd Bridges starred as Mike Nelson. The program's gimmick was that Nelson was ex-navy frogman, turned freelance scuba diver.

IF YOU'RE MORE FAMILIAR WITH PRESENT-DAY TV, IN THE 1990's, (30-YEARS LATER), BRIDGES APPEARED A FEW TIMES ON "SEINFELD," AS IZZY MANDELBAUM, A SENIOR CITIZEN WORK-OUT JUNKIE.

I would estimate that the last time I saw Sea Hunt, (in re-runs), I was ten. I remember being fascinated by Mike Nelson's underwater adventures and run-ins (swim-ins?), with villains while salvaging various forms of treasure.

ENVIRONMENTALLY WAY AHEAD OF ITS TIME, EACH SHOW CLOSED WITH A PLEA BY LLOYD BRIDGES TO PROTECT THE OCEANS.

The Sea Hunt, episode I watched yesterday was good. But that assessment depends how you interpret the word, "good." Think of it this way, did you ever go to a hardware store and see how they advertise the three options for rakes or driveway sealant as "good-better-best."

Good-better-best, what does that mean? Psychologically, the store is implying that GOOD - Means, worthy. BETTER - Is a higher quality version and BEST - Represents the state-of-the-art, top of the line. In reality that is not true because everything is relative. So until there's a benchmark to establish how good, good is...we can't assume the value of "good."

In street slang, the word "bad" means good. Specifically, somebody or something that is admired, envied or tight in a thorough way. On the other hand, to a coin collector, "good" means bad condition.

TATTERED, WITH THE ELEGANCE OF ITS FINE DETAIL WORN AWAY, YOU COULDN'T EXPECT TO SELL THIS 80-YEAR OLD BEAUTY IN "GOOD" CONDITION FOR MUCH MORE THAN FACE-VALUE.

So that "good" rake or driveway goop might be inferior. And the, "better," sub par and the, "best," only adequate. I'm afraid that Sea Hunt, for my current sophisticated taste didn't leave me feeling warm and fuzzy. In fact, it slipped all the way down to the "good" meaning "crappy," category.

In its defense, Sea Hunt and similar adventure shows, had to establish a setting, convey the problem and climax the show with an exciting solution...in less than thirty minutes. The job of the writers must have been difficult because they had to squeeze a salient plot, into such a short time...and rarely succeeded.

BETTER re-runs that I've recently seen like, "ZORRO" and "RAWHIDE," also suffered from the lack of top-notch scripts. What made "Zorro" stand-out was that it was produced by Disney and had access to movie studio resources like sets, costumes and make-up.

When you examine the BEST, (my favorites), like, "SUPERMAN" or the "LONE RANGER," the action was so stimulating, that the story, acting and backdrops were secondary. To a pre-pubescent like me, how can you top Superman? The dude could fly for god's sake. He had the full spectrum of possibilities that x-ray vision could provide and represented truth justice in the American way.

The poor Lone Ranger, as great as he was...couldn't compare. To the tune of the "WILLIAM TELL OVERTURE," I'd get so fired-up in the opening credits. But deep down, I knew, even at a tender young age that he was mortal and could still take a stray bullet in the back. Plus he had limited range, (even when he was riding Silver). And while it was admirable that he never stuck around long enough for his doubters to thank him...he still couldn't bend steel in his bare hands.

By today's standards, all these shows had stupid plots. But Sea Hunt had no big name studio behind it and the uniqueness of the underwater peril and fight scenes quickly wore-off. Therefore, without fireworks or bells and whistles to occupy a child-like mentality, the viewer is forced to notice the weakness/implausibility of the script. That's what happened to Sea Hunt. And that's why the show was merely good. It was so good at being GOOD that in celebration of seeing it for the first time in 45 years, I shut it off after ten minutes...here's why.

The lame episode I saw, opened serenely in the living room of Mike Nelson's friend. Nelson is trying to convince this much older diver to retire. With the essence of this man's masculinity and livelihood at stake, an argument breaks out. The shouting stops when a vase next to an open window crashes to the floor. Was this a smart symbolic ploy to establish the ferocity of their differences...no! When the man looks out his window, the scene abruptly and comically cuts to stock-footage of hurricane scenes...duh !

Back in the living room with no sound-effects to suggest such a violent storm is taking place, the older man turns on a transistor radio. They listen as the intensity of the weather is explained by a news reporter. Another voice-over interrupts with an emergency news flash...a local fishing boat is missing at sea. Nelson and the older man identify the boat as their friend's. On his behalf, they start making phone calls in an attempt to help him.

The audience is reminded that after an hour of trying, they are unsuccessful in getting any new information. Suddenly, there's a knock on the door. The ship captain whose boat was lost at sea is ushered in. Despite the hurricane and his ship going down in rough seas, he is completely dry as he calmly said, "I guess you heard what happened?" THEY MUST HAVE HAD A SERIOUSLY LIMITED BUDGET. IF THE CAPTAIN WAS AT LEAST COVERED IN SEAWEED, IT WOULD HAVE BEEN LESS INSULTING TO THE VIEWER'S INTELLIGENCE.

At that point, I shut Sea Hunt off, perhaps forever. I bet "Dream On" only flashed back to Sea Hunt when they were out of "good" ideas.

THE LONE RANGER AND TONTO RE-UNITED...

For one of our long car rides, my son Andrew and I got a CD of 50 old TV theme songs from the library. The songs went chronologically backwards and coincidentally, my favorite was saved for last. From the first chord of the music, a lump formed in my throat and a tear came to my eye as I flashed back to yesteryear and recalled, "THE LONE RANGER" show.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hxIuIxqo2So : An excerpt from the Lone Ranger Theme.

I tried to explain to Andrew how significant the show was to my youth. He looked at me like I was crazy. Then I told him that during the opening theme (click on the hyperlink above), that I sat on the arm of my parent's sofa and "rode" it, like a horse. To complete these festivities, I wore a red cowboy and shot my plastic, faux-pearl handled six-shooter, (cap-less cap gun...hey, when it came to restricting unnecessary noise, my mother was tyrant).

The "Lone Ranger" was an old-time radio program that originated in 1933. On TV, it ran for nine seasons (1949-1957). It was such an oldie that it was already in re-runs when I started watching it circa 1959. During the run of the show, different actors played the lead roles but I only remember Clayton Moore as the Lone Ranger and Jay Silverheels as Tonto.

NO ITS NOT THE "VILLAGE PEOPLE," IT'S CLAYTON MOORE (left) AND JAY SILVERHEELS (right) AS THE LONE RANGER AND TONTO.

Its curious to me that such a high-quality item like this hasn't (to my knowledge) been shown in syndication for decades. I understand that by today's standards, the show would be dated, simple and corny but I guarantee even with my limited expertise in demographics that there is a retro-cable station out there that can profit by airing it.

I am certain of this because I remember the show's effect on me. Back in my kindergarten years, the show was fresh, dynamic and sophisticated. I admit that I loved the thrilling adventures of each episode but the true aphrodisiac was the opening song.

Listen and watch the theme again, (it's only 25 seconds). You'll notice that it has cleverly intertwined the "WILLIAM TELL OVERTURE" in the background with narration and an action video. As a kid, just hearing the phrase, "A fiery horse with the speed of light, a cloud of dust and a hearty hi-yo Silver, away...the Lone Ranger," set me into a frenzy. One time I got so excited, I fell off my horse. Despite my mom's warnings to; "Simmer down." I'd still get fired-up watching the Lone Ranger race his stallion Silver across the prairie, charge up a dusty hill and end-up with his trusty horse victoriously rearing-up to climax my rush.

When something so obvious as showing classics like this doesn't happen, I look for alternatives. If they can't bring the "Lone Ranger" back from the dead on TV...I say redo the whole enchilada into a contemporary movie. My million dollar concept would be called, "THE LONE RANGER AND TONTO...RE-UNITED ON BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN."

I'd like to cast Heath Ledger in the starring role. But instead of Jake Gyllenhaal being Tonto, we should hire Charles Nelson Riley, (who...to be politically correct is one-eighth Comanche).

I envision "THE LONE RANGER AND TONTO RE-UNITED ON BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN" beginning with the heroes clowning around in their rustic camp-site on Brokeback Mountain. The Lone Ranger jokes with Tonto after being taught how to seek-up behind "bad-guys" while wearing cowboy boots. But Tonto seems uncharacteristically pre-occupied. The Native American is irritable and doesn't appreciate the Ranger's laissez-faire attitude concerning what Tonto refers to as; network TV's invasion of their home.

The Lone Ranger says, "You shouldn't sweat-out the last minute details. Chill-out, don't worry, everything is going to be perfect." Tonto says, "Its not that." The Ranger says, "Then tell me what's what...because you're acting queer and its creeping me out." Tonto says, "I thought we agreed to live as one with nature...now all you want to do is sell-out our lifestyle for a few measly bucks." The Lone Ranger begins to hum show tunes and the bosom buddies peer-off in different directions.

TONTO'S ANXIETY OVER THE HGTV NETWORK'S VISIT HAS HIM CONSIDERING RETIREMENT FROM CRIME FIGHTING.

That night, the dynamic duo were unable to sort out their squabble. At the crack of dawn, the HGTV film crew shows-up. The Lone Ranger takes the producer and director aside and encourages them to find ways to directly compliment Tonto's decorating skills. The ever-cagey Tonto eavesdrops on part of the conversation and hears the producer say, "There is nothing more dreadful that imagination without taste..." Tonto is in a tizzy and slithers away without hearing the rest of the statement, "Your friend does not need empty praise...his taste transcends genius!"

During the interview portion of the taping, the host says to Tonto,"What a relaxing environment to come back to after a hostile day out on the trail. The stream running through your den is a Zen-like wonder." Yawning Tonto merely grunts. The host then added, "Your coordinated rock garden and visceral expression of life's depth is symbolized powerfully. I love the juxtaposition of the Hopi-ish hereafter mural painted on your tent...against simplistic ornamentation of the post, neo-Apache pottery."

Later while the film crew is packing up, the Lone Ranger is approached by the gaffer, boom-operator and the best-boy. They want information about the bars in town. The Lone Ranger says, "Tonto and I have invented a new drink and you can only get it at the Tool Box Tavern." The best-boy asked, "What is the drink called?" The Ranger says with pride, "A 'Sissy-Mary.'" "What's in it?" asked the boom-operator. "Its a concoction similar to a Margarita with a combination of tequila, lemonade, Tonto's secret recipe of indigenous roots and berries...served in a frosted, salt encrusted glass." The gaffer said, "Sounds scrumptious...I love pink lemonade..." The Lone Ranger cuts him off, "We don't use pink lemonade...remember its a SISSY-Mary!" Everyone laughed. The Lone Ranger then said, "C'mon, I'll take you down to the Tool-Box...and after one Sissy-Mary, you'll never drink another Mimosa, Appletini, or Pink Lady again."

While the group discusses travel arrangements, an angry Tonto appears from behind a giant rock. In a fit of insecurity and jealousy, he runs behind a Joshua Tree and unearths his buried stash of of spiritual remedies. He is seen weeping as he staggers into the wilderness and mounts a stray Pinto pony.

In the Tool Box Tavern, the Lone Ranger learns that his Sissy-Mary machine has been stolen. Unaware of Tonto's role in the thievery, he is afraid with his patent pending, that someone will try to sell the machine and create their own knock-off recipe.

THE RAMROD BAR WAS WHERE THE LONE RANGER AND TONTO FIRST MET.

Playing on Tonto's sense of nostalgia, the masked lawman's detective skills take him to the Ramrod Bar. Even though his faithful companion was not there...he made good use of his time and traded the bandanna from his back pocket for a glittery purple mask.

THE "FORT DIX" MILITARY-THEMED BAR WAS NOT TONTO'S CUP OF TEA. HE ABHORRED BONDAGE AND RARELY LIKED BEING DISCIPLINED.

The Lone Ranger got lucky at the Fort Dix Bar. A man with Groucho mask with a fake nose, glasses and mustache had been there trying to sell the Sissy-Mary machine. But the bartender, a loyal friend of the crime fighting team, thought it best to err on the side of caution and didn't buy it.
THE ANVIL PUB CATERED TO A LIMITED CLIENTELE...DISGRUNTLED PONY EXPRESS EMPLOYEES.

At the Anvil Pub the Lone Ranger hoped to catch-up with Tonto. While on stake-out, together with some hired hands from the K-Y Ranch, he stuffed Sacajawea dollars (those coins were a birthday gift from Tonto) into a rookie "pole-dancer's" G-string. Later at the main entrance, he noticed his partner, disguised as a construction worker...with the Sissy-Mary machine tucked under his arm, come in. The two crime-fighters begin a vicious cat-fight, a bitter argument ensues. Then there's a moment of serenity...they reconcile. As they walk out, the young pole-dancer counts out the Lone Ranger's generous tips and says to the more experienced dancer, "Who was that masked man?" The older dancer answered, "Dearie, that was the Lone Ranger."

The Lone Ranger said, "To show you where my heart is, let's use the HGTV's payoff for a fun casino weekend in Las Vegas New Mexico, at Caesar's Phallus." The rest of Tonto's ire melted as he cooed, "Kimosabe."

Double-mounted atop Silver, they mosey out into the sunset. On the outskirts of town the Lone Ranger squeals, "Hi-yo Silver away." And the trusty stallion races the men across the prairie as the "William Tell Overture" increases in volume.

To the tune, "CLIMB EVERY MOUNTAIN" from the "SOUND OF MUSIC," they cross railroad tracks and charge up the dusty trail that leads home. At the highest peak, the horse rears-up triumphantly. In the background, the bullet train zooms into the Brokeback Mountain Tunnel. Fade to black.

Now that's a movie that needs to be made!