BEWARE OF THE SLEEPING RED BEAR !

"THE RUSSIANS ARE COMING, THE RUSSIANS ARE COMING," was a silly, satirical, romantic comedy with "Cold War" ramification from 1966. The action is set on a barrier island off the coast of Massachusetts that had been "attacked" by Russian's from an aground submarine. The comic relief is provided by villagers; Carl Reiner, Jonathan Winters, Imogene Coca and Paul Ford, as they defend the U. S. of A's homeland (and their women) from the "Red Menace."

Unfortunately, this week's Russian attack of Georgia is real. No the commies aren't pouring over Kennesaw Mountain intent to burn Atlanta...yet in a strange way I wish they were...it would be a great remake of the RUSSIANS ARE COMING. In that version, Ted Turner's Braves could defend the "Big Chicken" on Roswell Road with baseball bats or have Micheal Vick ordering his maniacal killer attack dogs to sic the pinkos before they access the secret, classic Coca-Cola recipe, (personally, they can have the "New Coke" recipe).

The real problem is, the Russians have really attacked Soviet Georgia. That Georgia, is located below Russia and above Turkey. Like; Kazakhstan, Lithuania, Estonia, Armenia, Uzbekistan and several other break-away nations, Georgia was hostilely taken-over and absorbed by Russia after WWII.

Is this the awakening of the sleeping red bear? Is Russia planning on taking all those little nations back. If so, will they stop there or will they also try to re-seize their former satellite countries like: Poland, Hungary, Yugoslavia and Bulgaria? Can world dominance and the re-birth of the communist manifesto be far behind?

What we need is someone like Leo "The Lip" Durocher to be our president, NOW !

LEO DUROCHER (1905-1991)

Durocher, a Hall-of -Fame baseball manager (thus proving his leadership qualities) is most-known for the quote: Nice guys finish last." That statement translates to; winning at all cost. As his Leo "The Lip" nickname suggests, he was famous for his big mouth. His run-ins, in the name of winning, with the authorities, umpires and the press were legendary. Durocher was such a hard case that he also said, "If I was going to be the winning run and my mother was blocking home plate, I'd run her down."

I say Leo Durocher was wasting his time in baseball...he should have been a politician. At the end of WWII Russian head-of-state Jozef Stalin made it clear that he had a different vision on how the face of Europe should look, Durocher would have attacked. He would have crushed them because, our war machine was already in Europe and our factories were more efficient than ever in support of our troops. On the other hand, Russia barely fought off the Germans and would have failed, if not for the allied aid it received. So, Durocher could have single-handedly side-stepped the fear of communism, the Joseph McCarthy-Era, the Korean War and the Bay of Pigs incident.

More recently, Durocher would have wiped-out Sadam Hussein after "Operation Desert Storm." He, unlike President George Bush Sr. would not have succumbed to the fear of world opinion. Therefore, the dying embers of the festering Iraqi brood would not have been allowed to stay lit. Leo "The Lip" Durocher wouldn't have given a rat's ass about world opinion and wouldn't have left his underlings (successors) , like George W. with egg on his face and the blood of thousands of U. S. troops on his hands.

THE MYSTERY OF "THE KID."

Throughout August TURNER CLASSIC MOVIES (TCM) is featuring individual actors with a 24-hour run of their films. Saturday was Charlie Chaplin day. In addition to his films, TCM also played a two and a quarter hour biography of his life which included a montage of film clips, interviews and analysis.

I called my son Andrew in to watch and together we saw a snippet which included footage from the 1921 silent movie, "THE KID." At that point I went "off topic," and explained the significance of the child star who portrayed the kid, Jackie Coogan.

("Off-topic" is what the youth of today call, "going off on a tangent)."

6-YEAR OLD COOGAN AS "THE KID."

Whether you know the answer to today's mystery or not...who IS Jackie Coogan? Please read on, because there is so much more to the man that meets eye.

John Leslie (Jackie) Coogan was born October 26, 1914, in Woburn Massachusetts. The son of Vaudeville performers, Coogan, by age three was already singing and dancing in their new home, Los Angeles. Shortly thereafter, he was discovered by Charlie Chaplin and had a uncredited appearance in the 1917 movie, "SKINNER'S BABY."

Chaplin saw star-power in the youngster and took him under his wing. One of Coogan's best attributes was his ability to mimic. Whereas Chaplin had difficulties in getting seasoned actors to to follow intricate direction, this three-year delighted him with this natural power.

THE KID REFLECTED CHAPLIN'S SKEWED UPBRINGING

Coogan's success as "THE KID" was followed the next year with the title role in "OLIVER TWIST." Jackie Coogan quickly became an international super-star and also became the first heavily merchandised star...with his image appearing on; toys, food products, stationery, records and so much more. Even overseas, Coogan's "signature" Page-Boy haircut and oversized overalls and cap were being imitated. You may recall that Scotty Beckett from the "OUR GANG" comedies directly copied that look.

JACKIE COOGAN FIGURINE, CIRCA 1925

Jackie Coogan's true legacy was the installation of child labor laws for Hollywood's young stars. Coogan earned an estimated $4 million before he was a teenager. The overwhelming bulk of that money was squandered by his mother and step-father who were cocaine and heroin user/addicts. In 1935, Coogan sued his mother but recovered only a fraction of his fortune. At one point, Charlie Chaplin stepped in to provide financial assistance to him.

The legal battles with his mother did call attention to the plight and welfare of child stars. Soon the State of California enacted "THE CALIFORNIA CHILD ACTOR'S BILL," (it is also referred to as the Coogan Bill or Coogan Act). This requires the child's employer to set aside 15% of the child's earnings in a trust fund. Additionally, it also provided specifications for proper schooling, work hours and time-off.

It should be noted that during those proceedings, his mother was called to give testimony and claimed that she didn't think he was working hard because it was all fun and playing to him. Subsequently, virtually all the other child stars who were called upon to speak, agreed that they were keenly aware that what they were doing WAS work!

In 1935, Coogan was the sole survivor in a car crash that killed his natural father as well as his best friend, Junior Durkin, (a child star who starred as Huckleberry Finn in two films).

In March 1941, Coogan enlisted in the army. Eight months later after Pearl Harbor, he requested a transfer to the army air force, (he had been a civilian pilot). He became a flight officer and volunteered for hazardous duty with the FIRST COMMANDO GROUP.

In December 1943 during the Burmese campaign, Coogan was stationed in India and regularly landed English troops inside enemy lines.

After the war Coogan married four times. His first wife was Betty Grable, the #1 pin-up girl of that generation. There were two more shorties until he married Dodie Lamphere. That marriage lasted 32 years until he died March 1, 1984.

In all Coogan appeared in 60+ motion pictures. Once he lost his child cuteness nearly all those roles were bit parts or in a supporting role...yet we all know him.
Who is this 67-year film veteran?...the first merchandising personality giant, the inspiration for Hollywood child labor laws, survivor, WWII hero, heart throb of the most beautiful women in the world, father, family man and actor in a multitude of cameo performances on 60's and 70's TV shows?

Well most people don't know him from his real name, he is most remembered for one specific recurring role...as...the original Uncle Fester on the "ADDAMS FAMILY."


JACKIE COOGAN AS LOVABLE UNCLE FESTER, (ADDAMS FAMILY 1964-1967).

SIPPING WAWA COFFEE IN MY CAR

I grew up two streets away from Starbucks CEO, Howard Schultz. In 1970, when I was a fledgling sophomore on the Canarsie High School (Chiefs) junior varsity football team, pimply-faced Howie was a senior and the "star" quarterback (uniform #18) of our traditionally awful varsity.

TO BE POLITICALLY CORRECT, THE CHIEFS TEMPORARILY CHANGED THEIR NAME TO THE RED STORM, RED MENACE OR SOME SUCH NONSENSE. BUT RECENTLY RESTORED THEIR LONG VENERATED ORIGINAL NAME.

I remember Schultz as being both scholastically advanced and a cocksure, schoolyard athlete. Due to our age difference and my much lower profile, I'm certain he would have no memories of me...but perhaps his folks would?

At varsity games, my JV brethren and I sat together and cheered our team to its limited glory, (that particular year, Canarsie's top football squad went 1-6-2). That's one win, six losses and two ties...yes way back in the Stone Age (1970) games didn't go into overtime, they ended in ties. If that makes me a relic, I'm guilty.

It's hard to imagine but in one of those tie games, the mighty Chiefs were heavy favorites. They were playing Boys High, (it should be noted that even when Boys High began admitting females, the school's name remained the same. However, other politically correct people finally got their way and the school's nickname is now...are you ready...Boys and Girls High...how dainty...).

What's even funnier about that tie with Boys High was...the final score: 0-0. You couldn't point a finger at the weather, it was a bright sunny day . So what was the problem.? I have narrowed it down to three major blame factors;

A) Our punter didn't show up till the third quarter.

B) The always seated marching band played so loud that the signals on a key play couldn't be heard. 

C) Late in the game, on a fourth down...(we had no place kicker)...when we only needed a foot or two for a touchdown, Schultz, turned to hand off the ball but the halfback was nowhere to be seen.  So while the whole team surged to the right, Schultz ran left.  Fortunately, even though he wasn't fleet-a-foot, he wound-up with a clear angle to pay dirt. The Boys High defenders gave chase as he neared the pylon.  The touchdown and certain victory could NOT be stopped!  All Schultz had to do was put his head down and take the hit.  Instead, 'ol #18 went down on his own, inches short of the goal line, to avoid the contact...how dainty.

Afterwards in the locker room, the coach addressed the first dismal issue by reaming out the punter for being tardy. Two days later on Monday, the coach "fired" the band. It was no great loss, they were lousy. Their only distinguishable pieces were the theme from "HAWAII 5-0" "HEY LOOK ME OVER," and, "THE STAR SPANGLED BANNER."

The third reason we tied instead of won was handled as soon as it happened by the JV boys including me.  In our section of the bleachers, (behind our team's bench), we booed Schultz, the fallen hero, as he fake-limped off the field. When he got closer, we screamed our opinions...which when you consider the mentality of a mob of unsupervised fifteen year-olds, the verbiage was harsh and unkind. At that point, a woman (from the couple in front of us), singled me out and said, "STOP IT! That's my son."

Well Howard Schultz got the last laugh. As Starbucks CEO, I'm certain he enjoys an incredibly wealthy, celebrity status. Nevertheless, I never set foot in a Starbucks until yesterday. Unless you want to count the time, a few years back in Drescher Pennsylvania, I ran into one just to pee. In any event, my disinterest in Starbucks had nothing to do with Schultz.

Yesterday, my friend ZYMBOT came in from out-of-town.  We went to my local Starbucks. We made ourselves comfortable and chatted for ninety-minutes. The ambiance was great, the staff was friendly and hospitable and the coffee GOOD. I expected it to be orgasmic...but it was merely good.

I enjoy the finer things in life but I don't need to surround myself with them for the sake of status. Sorry, I just don't get the Svengali hold Starbucks enjoys over the American (worldwide) market. It's just a good cup of coffee...and a tad on the strong side...and the price, ouch!

They can keep their ambiance. I can sit in Dunkin' Donuts for two dollars less per cup and hobnob with the equally cordial foreign help just the same. Better yet, the 100% Colombian or dark roast coffee at Wawa is worthy of being sipped in the comfort of my car. 

WAWA (SINCE 1964)  IS NOW A MAJOR PLAYER N THE CONVENIENCE STORE - GAS STATION BUSINESS. NEARLY EVERY TOWN IN SOUTH JERSEY HAS AT LEAST ONE LOCATION AND OTHERS CAN BE FOUND IN PENNSYLVANIA, DELAWARE, MARYLAND, VIRGINIA AND FLORIDA. 

Did I ever tell you I drive a nine-year-old Toyota Sienna mini-van? Talk about the finer things in life, it has 13 cup holders...top that Howie Schultz.

FERRETING OUT THE TRUTH !

Yesterday's ATLANTIC CITY PRESS article about ferrets has spurred my memory of two stories.The first centers on a blackjack student from my dealer school named Phil. Phil, a Colombian-American was fluent in English. He liked teaching me the nuances of Spanish and found it both funny and challenging to improve my bastardized version of his language, (to a small degree, he succeeded). But Phil's true passion was in sharing his adventures as a ferret owner and breeder.

During his time at the school, I took part in an educational conference in Miami. After dinner, I attached myself to a small group of attendees and we strolled through Miami's slum-like downtown business district. It was around 9:30PM and the closed stores, to protect their windows, had their iron gates down.

This area has a large Cuban population and caters to a predominately Hispanic community. In a

mixture of Spanish and English , the signs above the businesses' shuddered windows were the only way to identify the stores. So next to Pepe's Tacquitos (Taco Stand) was Ulmstead's Dry Cleaners etc. What truly caught my eye was a gigantic three-story store with a buzzing neon sign that read: F-E-R-R-E-T-E-R-I-A.

I was unable to see inside because of the security gates and assumed it was a million dollar idea...a ferret inspired, super-sized, pet department store. These were the late 80's and I had never dreamt of the concept of PETSMART or PETCO.

Back in the school, I couldn't wait to tell Phil of my ferret store discovery. Well Phil laughed and laughed. I guessed from his acute joy that I should brace myself for some level of humiliation.

When he calmed down he exaggerated the pronunciation to rhyme with cafeteria and sneered, "A ferreteria?"

I hesitated and said, "Well, yeah."

"Did the last 'E' have an accent mark on it?"

I shrugged, "Maybe?"

"Well you idiot," he said. "That's not a ferreteria, its a ferr-ret-TAH-REE-ah. A ferr-ret-TAH-REE-ah, is the Spanish word for hardware store!

The second episode is an excerpt from my short story RETREADS. This story is so accurate that it DOESN'T use my usual 5% embellishment factor. Yes, some names were changed but these events are true.

At a time when cocaine was still considered a "safe" and recreational drug, I dealt craps in Las Vegas at the Holiday International Casino. It was a beautiful new building in a terrible location, serving mostly low-limit locals.

The two primary characters here were: Paul "Shag" Darrow our cocaine dependant pit boss and my boxman (immediate supervisor) Dick Paine, (yes, his name was Dick Paine...if you want to hear what's what with his (real) name, read RETREADS).

Shag was a spoiled kid who was raised in upscale Newport Beach California. He had been juiced into a couple of great jobs and eventually...because of his cocaine habit, fell (as a retread) to the depths of the Holiday.

Shag had some sort of fetish for vermin. He loved it when I told him stories of water bugs, maggots, lice and roaches but for some odd reason, he preferred to hear about rats. One particular rat story that he made me repeat several times, was based on my experiences in the New York City subway.

One night around 3AM our craps table was jammed with retirees waiting for the wives to get out of the last bingo session. The biggest bet on the table was $3.00 and Shag who was flying on coke was bored. An acquaintance of Shag came into the casino wth a caged ferret. This fellow had a bunch more in the car and wanted to sell them to the workers.

Shag never saw a ferret and naively asked, "Is that a rat?"

The guy said, "Not exactly, its more like a weasel...but its in the rodent family."

Shag said, "It looks vicious, does it bite?"

The guy said, "No, they're great pets and kids love 'em."

I was dealing next to boxman Dick Paine. His job was to put the money in the "drop-box," oversee the dealer's pay-offs and keep the tempo of the game up.

Dick was not the smartest in the world but its also possible that he didn't hear Shag say to the ferret man, (they were right behind us), "Take the rat out, I want to hold it."

Despite having a lot of little action on my game, I looked over my shoulder and saw Shag with the furry critter inch closer to the table. When he was between Dick and I, he dropped the ferret onto the craps layout. The bugger ran in a great oval, knocking over bets, scattering the dealers working stacks and destroying the bank.

Everyone was laughing except Dick Paine. Like a complete moron, he tried to grab the agile creature which only made it funnier. Finally, he lunged and grabbed it. The terrified ferret took a nip out of his thumb. Dick was already stretched out across the layout, yelped in agony and then his feet came out from under him. Dick smashed his face into the layout and broke his nose.

A couple of laps later, Dick corralled the ferret, handed it back to the guy and squawked, "I thought you said these bastards don't bite." Angrily he showed the guy his thumb and wailed, "Oh Christ oh mighty...I'm bleedin'."

He was referring to his finger but blood was also dripping from his nose. After Shag laughed in his face, Dick was sent to the infirmary.

TWO HEADS ARE BETTER THAN ONE

Its July 14th, so HAPPY BASTILLE DAY to all my French friends.

Actually, I don't think I have any French friends. The more I think about it, my exposure to those snooty S. O. B. S. when I was on the French Riviera and in Paris was insulting. And their equally offensive cousins that I have encountered throughout Quebec are just as bad. So, in the name of making good "copy," I LIED about caring for their big holiday.

Other than "A TALE OF TWO CITIES," I couldn't give a rat's pa-toot about their independence day. Beyond my personal tussles with them, let's consider the French on the international stage. Remember, they talk a big game but in terms of winning their own wars, since 1789, they have an intensely putrid batting average. Plus their "no-fly" zones...beheading instruments, personal hygiene habits etc. are all ghastly.

THE GUILLOTINE 

I'm sorry I lied about Bastille Day. I hate to lie especially to my peeps. But lying is a sort of mental bugaboo that has WRONGLY plagued me since childhood...it all started when my dad inadvertently lead me astray.

The New York Mets, in their infancy, were the epitome of pitiful. At the same time the cursed cross-town rivals, the New York Junkees were baseball's royalty and in the midst of a dynasty. Perhaps I was a little too ardent in my fan-hood but when I was about ten, I was the kid who'd argue for hours that Ron Swoboda was greater than Mickey Mantle and that "Fat" Jack Fisher was a million times better than Whitey Ford.

                                                            "FAT" JACK FISHER

My dad understood my frustration and perhaps thought he could lift my spirits by telling me that the Mets had traded five scrubeenies, a fungo bat and a left-handed catchers mitt in exchange for popular slugger *** Rocky Colavito. Maybe dad was wrong or maybe he said it was a rumor and I misinterpreted it. In any case, I was overjoyed and excitedly told the world how this move would catapult the lowly Mets to super-stardom.

                                                               ROCKY COLAVITO
When the deal didn't happen, my friends called me a liar. The humiliation I felt was crushing. Time passed and my friends forgot about it but I was scarred for life. To avoid being publicly ridiculed like that again, I learned a valuable lesson...to check my sources. Still, years later, even with the most reliable source...myself...I got burned again.

The Staten Island Zoo...for the uninitiated, is in Staten Island. Unlike the great zoos across the country, the Staten Island Zoo is famous for...nothing! Nevertheless, I visited there three times; twice with day camp in 1967 and 1968...and again around 1974 while in college.

That first trip in '67 was highlighted in the reptile house. On display, in a series of small cases were lizards, frogs and snakes. In that array, the most striking, to twelve-year old me was...a two-headed baby turtle.

                                FILE PHOTO-NOT THE SAME-TURTLE I SAW...I SWEAR !
A year goes by and my camp is having another Staten Island Zoo outing. The kids in my group were all different, so I told them about the two-headed turtle. They didn't believe me so I confidently led them to the exact spot. Only the two-headed turtle case was EMPTY. 

I was called a liar and was embarrassed. Luckily for me, later,that afternoon an older bully (nicknamed Gestapo Harry) decided to torment the orangutan. For all his trouble, the great ape peed on him...his humiliation was far worse than mine and thus deflected the unwanted attention off me.

The third time I went to that zoo was a boring afternoon with a boring girlfriend. I took her to the room where the two-headed turtle had been and told her my story. It was annoying that she doubted me. A zookeeper making his rounds came by.  I told him my circumstance in the hope of being vindicated. He said two-headed turtles are not that uncommon.  But due to inherent health issues, they don't enjoy a full life span.

For a brief moment, the girl not only believed me but was impressed...unfortunately though...she totally didn't believe that Gestapo Harry got peed on...as the French say; c'est la vie, (okay, so at least they're catch-phrases are good for something).

Now that you know my sensitivity in the truthfulness department, I feel obligated to tell you, that on the computer news yesterday...from Amherst New York...wherever that is...a two-headed snake was born. The segment included video of the beast and claimed that a two-headed snake is a one-in-a-million shot. Please check it out quickly before they stop showing it...because if you don't, whatever psychological progress I've made in 40 years in regards to my credibility will be shattered.
WHERE'S A PHOTO OF AN ORANGUTAN URINATING ON JERK WHEN YOU NEED IT

***Editors note - On three occasions, I worked (pro bono) at WFPG-AM 1450 radio in Atlantic City as a substitute on-air sports talk personalty. The last time, (before the station changed its "All-Talk" format to "Easy Listening Rock" in 1994), I interviewed six-time major league All-Star Rocky Colavito.

It crossed my mind to mention the predicament I was put in...when at nine years-old, I mistakenly advertised to my friends that he had been traded to the New York Mets...but I chickened-out. In retrospect, I should have. It would have been a cute story-line to pursue...I swear, it really, really happened...I'm not making it all up, I got proof...you gotta believe me, I have a cassette of that show...I just can't put my finger on it, but I can produce three friends who listened to it live...if not, I can...

THE SHIP, THE MYTH...THE LEGEND

The Norwegian Dawn was the cruise-ship we took to Bermuda. Before we set sail, I learned from a friend/co-worker (Mini-Phil...a veteran of 25 cruises) that our boat had an interesting history. Then, three days after we docked, on its next voyage, the "Dawn" added to its resume.

The Norwegian Dawn is a new ship and has been sailing from Manhattan to Bermuda and the Bahamas since 2002. For our trip, it carried a crew of over 1,000 serving over 2,700 passengers. The ship dwarfs anything around it...even the Statue of Liberty seemed small as we went by. The Dawn is tall; it has eight elevators that carry people to 14 levels/decks. Plus, the length of the ship is probably close to a city block.

One of the great event's in the Dawn's career occurred in rough weather on April 16, 2005 off the Georgia coast...a series of three, seventy-foot "rogue-waves" pounded the ship. Four passengers suffered minor injuries and the Dawn's ninth and ten deck reported broken windows. However, the damage was not extensive and service was barely interrupted even though other decks were flooded.

A couple of years ago, the Dawn was in the news again when comedienne Rosie O'Donnell hosted/hostessed? a gay and lesbian cruise aboard ship.

Two months ago on May 11, 2008, a 46 year-old woman "fell' overboard fifty miles northeast of Atlantic City. Although there are contradictory accounts involving suicide and/or murder, the one that made the most sense to me was: SHE WAS DRUNK! More specifically, she was drunk and for whatever reason...she climbed the outside railing of her stateroom's balcony and tried to "jump" across to the next cabin's balcony. Right away you can see this was NOT a good idea.

She slipped and was never seen again. Apparently the captain circled the area a few times in an attempt to rescue her but came up empty. Her family and friends swore that even under the influence...that her personality wouldn't let her do such a thing...maybe her people aren't being realistic because drinking can be like taking a crazy pill.

Our cruise was as close to perfect as you could get. We never experienced sea-sickness, there were no fireworks, no tropical storms and the curse of the Bermuda Triangle only came-up when I made jokes about it.

Interestingly, we docked back in New York City at 8:AM Sunday morning. My fellow shipmates and I were all cleared off the ship by 10:30AM. Like clock-work, the boat is readied for the next batch of cruisers by 1:PM. At 5:PM, the "newbies" were blasting back off to Bermuda.

Three days later on Wednesday July 2nd, the Norwegian Dawn added to its list of accomplishments.

In rough weather, the Dawn gets a distress call from a sail boat off Cape Cod. That boat's operator feared for a man's life when he couldn't care for the victim's shock-like symptoms and dehydration. Three-hours later, the Dawn arrived. The captain expertly maneuvered the huge vessel close to the tiny forty-footer and in stormy seas made the daring rescue look easy.

The Dawn wasn't done...coincidentally, twelve hours later another distress call is received 250 miles off Long Island. in this case, another sail boater needs immediate medical attention. In worse weather conditions, a mast has smashed a man's head and he was losing consciousness. Despite heavy rain, severe gusts and twenty-foot swells, the Dawn races to the scene, puts the giant ship into position and plucks the patient to safety.

The Norwegian Dawn, as well as thousands of other ships, participate on a volunteer basis in a worldwide program that promotes such sea rescues. Service to the passengers was not disrupted and the Dawn arrived in Bermuda on schedule.

I mentioned in my last blog, most people who asked me about the cruise were interested in sea-sickness. Then as I spoke to more people, I found two separate individuals who were afraid to go on cruises. One felt that decadent infidels like Americans were easy terrorist targets. While the other was afraid of being poisoned...apparently there have been rare cases of large groups getting sick on cruises. It should also be pointed out that she is a germophobe and is so paranoid of being slipped a "Mickey" that she insists on opening her own beer when she goes to bars.

My advice to them and to anyone uncertain about vacationing in the lap of luxury...don't live your life like an ostrich hiding its head in the ground. Yes there are risks in anything we do...but if you take it one step further...you'd never leave the house...crap happens a million times a day...when you fly, drive or even take in your mail.

To para-phrase Mini-Phil...once you go on a cruise, you'll never want to vacation any other way. To prove how I feel about that, we are already setting aside money NOW!

HOW SWEET IT IS !

I felt like the king of the castle for over a week !

Yes indeed, we had a smashing time on our Bermuda cruise. For eight days, we were lavished on the Norwegian Dawn...a virtual Las Vegas on the high seas.

If you've never been on a cruise...everything here will seem like an exaggeration but it isn't. Unlike the biggest and the best casinos around the world, anything you could imagine is available. Aboard ship, all the restaurants are open, different entertainers perform throughout the day and the party atmosphere never ends. Plus there's a movie theater, art auctions, organized children activities (for different age groups) a spa and world class-fitness center. I could babble on-and-on with more stuff but you'll have to take my word for it or pick up a brochure because there's something for granny--something for baby and something for everyone in between. And talk about being wow-ed continuously, I haven't even mentioned the world-class service !

Eight hundred nautical miles later, all this leads us to Bermuda. During our three days in this rich man's paradise...we basked in the most beautiful settings I ever experienced:

Horseshoe Bay Beach - Known for its pink sands and perfectly blue ocean, this arched-shaped beach is edged with a coral reef and mountainous rock formations. (Please pardon the tee-shirt, I got a weird sunburn on the ship that left me with a burnt left side, burnt belly button and an excruciating burn across half my left nipple). ALWAYS REMEMBER, WHERE EVER YOU MAY BE, YOU CAN NEVER TAKE ENOUGH TIME TO PROPERLY APPLY SUNSCREEN !

NOTICE THE MOUNTAINOUS ROCK ON THE LEFT AND THE WATER AS BLUE AS THE PAINTED WALL OF A POOL

Church Bay Park - The cruise line tries to get the passengers to book excursions through them. A trip to a similar place would have cost us $70.00 each. Instead, we asked a local and were sent to this less commercialized snorkeling venue. We avoided being jammed on a chartered bus, took public transportation for twenty minutes and rented, for $15.00 each, our own equipment. Plus we stayed all day in this slice of heaven instead of being hustled away ninety minutes later...to make room for the next bus load of suckers.

THE DYNAMIC DUO EXITING THE EDEN CAVE

Hamilton - Complete with just the right touch of British charm, Hamilton is the capital city. We did some sightseeing and shopped in the lower echelon shops of Rodeo Drive-like Front Street. (Those were the most expensive refrigerator magnets I ever saw).

NO USED SYRINGES IN THE WATERS OFF HAMILTON'S SHORE

Andrew's history of motion problems are well-documented in this column. Plus, I'm no stranger to sea-sickness problems either. So it seemed natural that that subject is the number one question asked by you land-loving cruise virgins.

We used Bonine (a stronger version of Dramamine) as a precaution before boarding. YES, absolutely the boat sways but on such a huge vessel, you rarely feel it. Certain spots in the ship, like the extreme front and back, do rock and roll but you get used to it.

The next morning, we took another dose. Actually our stomachs were unaffected so on the third day, we didn't take the Bonine. On the way back after Bermuda, we went without it and were fine. To prove the point, the last day we were in a storm with choppy seas. The swimming pool water was lashed side-to-side like a wave pool but we never missed a meal.

Norwegian Cruise Lines has the reputation of being an A- level outfit. Veteran cruisers seem to agree that Royal Caribbean is slightly better and that Carnival is a distant C+. What I liked best about Norwegian is that it offers a free-style environment. This mainly means that Royal Caribbean has set times to eat and you are expected to "dress" for dinner.

In the end, my family survived all my bad vomit, Titanic and Bermuda Triangle jokes. Then our collective bubble was burst when we docked on West 48th Street and Twelfth Avenue in Manhattan. A chauffeur whisked us away from Pier 88 when I realized that we were near the statue of Jackie Gleason as bus driver Ralph Kramden. I was positive that it adorns the front of the transit authority office building on 48th Street near Tenth Avenue.

Being a big fan of the old "HONEYMOONERS" show, I always wanted to see it, take pictures etc. As Kramden might have said, "How sweet it is;" because my driver would have taken us anywhere I asked. But my family was anxious to get home, so I kept my BIG-MOUTH shut. Its a good thing, because later, I found out that the statue is actually on West 40th and 8th.

Yes, having my photo taken with Ralph may seem like a strange ambition to you...but like the replica Oscar and Maltese Falcon I hope to own some day, I fully expect to feel like the king of the castle again...when I go on another cruise next year.