SLEEP APNEA: THE WALK OF SHAME !

The rising popularity of off-shore betting now makes it possible to wager on nearly anything...from the comfort of your computer. So after all these years...even DECADES of suffering...those of you who wanted to bet on me being a plain old lazy bastard...just might lose your money. The reason is, there might be a legitimate medical problem that afflicts me in a way that resembles laziness.

Here's the "inside-skinny" on a widely known sleep disorder that causes chronic fatigue called, SLEEP APNEA. Sleep Apnea is characterized by a pauses in breathing during sleep. Each episode is called an apnea. The word apnea comes from the Greek; apnoia...(privation to breathe). These apneas last long enough so that one or more breaths are missed. Apnea is typified by snorts after snoring. If they occur regularly throughout sleep, you have Sleep Apnea.

I have been a low energy guy my entire adult life. The strange part is...is that I detest laziness in other people. So while I inwardly struggle to fight-off that stigma...the reality is...sluggish and apathetic is how many perceive me. Through the years I have put myself through a battery of tests in search of a solution but the results always come back negative. Friends and family have been supportive but terms like; lazy-ass bastard, has forever dangled over me, like the Sword of Damocles.

OFTEN IMITATED...NEVER DUPLICATED...YES THAT'S JIM CARREY TRYING TO IMPERSONATE MY REALLY BIG 4:PM YAWN.

My condition seems to have worsened in the past few months. So when my doctor of 13 years couldn't come up with any concrete plan of action, I fired him. My frustration and need for deeper insight led me to a new doctor. She listened to my history and said, "Some people are so conditioned to daytime sleepiness that after a while, it seems normal." When I shrugged she added, "Let's get you tested for sleep apnea."

Last night with my pillow in hand and Rodney...a stuffed purple monkey from my son Andrew's infancy, I checked into a sleep study (a. k. a. polysomnogram). The bottom line here is, a technician hooks about fourteen hundred sensors to your body. He then monitors your breathing (nose and mouth), heart rate, etc, etc. Also, through the use of infra-red cameras, he watches your body movements during sleep to detect other symptoms like; foot twitches.

(ARTIST'S RENDERING) WHEN MULTIPLIED BY A GAZILLION ELECTRODES, THIS PICTURE COMES JUST A LITTLE SHORT OF HOW MANY SENSORS WERE ATTACHED TO ME.

The technician, I'll call him Mark because his name was Mark...was personable, patient and knowledgeable. He explained the ins-and-outs while gluing, tacking and stapling the sensors to my head, face, nose, eyes, chest, legs and more. So many wires were on me that Mark made a "wire ponytail" to keep them all together. Then all the wires on the other end are attached to squarish device that looks like a dry-cell battery (about 5 pounds). Acting as a relay machine, it sent the information to the control room. Interestingly, when I had to pee...the device was disconnected from the wall and hooked onto one of my straps. When I looked in the bathroom mirror, I was disappointed that I didn't have a camera for this (hopefully) once in a lifetime Kodak moment. Certainly any true fan of the "HONEYMOONERS" would have been reminded of Ralph as the "The Man From Space," in the Raccoon Lodge costume party episode.

NO "MAN FROM SPACE" PHOTO. I WENT THROUGH OVER 500 GOOGLE IMAGES, YOU'LL HAVE TO SETTLE FOR THIS AND USE YOUR IMAGINATION.

At 10:00PM, I settled in for the test.  I was instructed to sleep on my back...to encourage snoring. Quick question, is possible that my apnea has been masked (you'll see the pun later) because all these years, to eliminate my snoring, (disturbing my wife Sue), I have slept on my stomach?

Mark also mentioned that sleep deprivation is unhealthy because it can cause the body to over-compensate, by working harder when you miss breaths. Which can lead to: severe headaches, heart problems, low metabolism, obesity, high blood pressure...even death!

My sleep during the study would not be of the marathon variety. I was hindered by discomfort and anxiety so it took forever to doze off. Even worse, I woke up four times within the first three-and-half hour span. During the last segment, I slept solid from 5:30AM until 8:AM, (actually Mark told me ahead of time that I was supposed to be out by seven).

Even with Mark "comping" me the extra hour, I was out cold when he woke me. He ripped the tape off, OUCH and I got dressed. Imagine a real-life zombie as he rousted me from the faux-bedroom.  In the reception area, I signed-off on a couple of documents and then as if his attitude was screaming; get the hell out, I was given the bum's rush, (maybe he was double-parked).

Like a tramp, (with my toothbrush sticking out of my back pocket), I was thrust back into the cruel outdoor world. Luckily it was too early for anyone I knew to be in that professional plaza, as I did my disoriented "walk of shame" back to my car.

The important thing here is...I WANT TO HAVE SLEEP APNEA. It sounds weird but this is a rare case where you want the disorder because...its easily treated and the remedy works nearly 100% of the time. One way to eliminate sleep apnea is to have tonsils, adenoids or anything else that might block the air flow removed. Or for those bent on avoiding an invasive procedure, a mask connected to a small CPAP machine worn nightly, will render immediate positive results.

SLEEP APNEA TREATED WITHOUT SURGERY...THAT COULD BE ME !

Now with all the knowledge you have on me, call your off-shore cyber-bookie and bet whether I go for the mask or the operation.