EDELBLUM MYSTERY THEATER: I TOAD YOU SO

The "ART BELL SHOW" is a late night program on AM radio. It discusses a wide range of paranormal topics and sometimes includes mainstream science. On my twenty minute commute home from work at 4:AM, I am sometimes entertained by the crackpot theorists who advertise their outlandish books, documentaries etc.

On a recent edition, Art Bell's guest talked-up his book on the "shadow people." The shadow people are apparently negative little imps that hide in the dark recesses of our lives and among other things...inflict trivial chaos.

When the level of nonsense is this high, I usually zone-out or switch to another station. So here's the gist of what I remember from this gentleman's example of shadow people and their antics: Did you ever lose something in your house?...like car keys. You know where they should be, but they aren't there. Soon, your search begins to expand to less likely places. After a while, in frustration, you eventually go back to the original spot...and there they are!

I prefer to think of myself as a realist...there JUST aren't little pixies in our homes moving our remote-controller or dog's leash...if that translates to me being a boring guy...so be it, because the concept of shadow people is nothing but ridiculous to me. Like I always tell my son...rather than call someone a liar...just say: there are somethings I have to see for myself. I can't help but feel that way about the shadow people...until last week.

We have all seen photos and watched nature shows with incredible images of animals. Sometimes you have to pause and wonder if these pictures were staged? Because if those pictures weren't staged...how in the world could they possibly have the patience, time, energy, money and LUCK to be there at that precise once-in-a-lifetime Kodak moment to capture the shot. DO FILM CREWS SET OUT INTO THE JUNGLE AMONGST WILD PREDATORS, PESTILENCE AND UNKNOWN PHYSICAL DANGER IN THE HOPE OF FINDING A MOUSE RIDING A FROG?

Nature photographers climb the highest mountains, dive deep into oceans and search every corner of earth to bring the viewer (us) weird, incredible and funny pictures. Of course every now and then, we see animals in the wild doing oddball things ourselves. I saw one example at Birch Grove Park, in nearby Northfield.

In the lake, I saw a turtle who had balanced itself on a tree branch that jutted-out over the water. Even if the tide went down, it seemed unlikely that a turtle would be sharp enough to perfectly straddle the branch before the water subsided. Because if it didn't...then the awkward moving turtle would have had to have walked (and balanced) itself...tightrope-style across to the end of the branch.

I would love to watch a turtle do that. But I would never have the patience to sit there for hours or over night. If I did, what if the turtle did it somewhere else or not at all. This puzzle is only perplexing if you DON'T believe in shadow people. If Art Bell's overly commercialised guest was right, then the turtle is not merely sunning itself on that branch...it was placed there by little elfin men against his will and is probably scared out of its terrapin wits.

Today's edition of "EDELBLUM MYSTERY THEATER: I toad you so" incorporates the unexplainable and the obvious conclusion that shadow people are real !

I don't know, I just don't know how this is possible, but I am certain that the shadow people have invaded me...not in my house...not my yard, garage, attic or shed. I say, the shadow people have invaded my mini-van !

HOW HIGH CAN A COMMON, AVERAGE-SIZED TOAD JUMP?

*YES THIS PHOTO IS OF FROGS NOT TOADS, (FROGS LIVE IN WATER AND HAVE A SHINY SKIN. TOADS LIVE IN SOIL AND HAVE DRY SKIN). SO USE YOUR IMAGINATION AND BEAR WITH ME, THIS STORY IS ABOUT TOADS...BUT ALL THE COOL CYBER-PHOTOS ARE OF FROGS.

We understand that some species of frogs are great distance and height leapers. There are even famous events like California's, "FROG JUMPING CONTEST OF CALAVERAS COUNTY." However, to my knowledge, there are no "Toad Olympics"...especially for the normal, far less talented toads...like the one in question today...he was only slightly bigger than a quarter. A CHAMPIONSHIP-CALIBER JUMPING FROG AT THE CREST OF HIS LEAP.

The past six weeks South Jersey has been especially wet. Since we had three 90 degree days in April, we have been inundated with rain. Still, I don't see a correlation between rain and an increased toad population or more importantly an increase in toad athleticism. Therefore, there are not millions of them hopping all over the place. Of the few that I do see, they seem to jump in the one-to-two inch range and at a modest trajectory. So with those in-born deficiencies for flight, how did one get itself in my mini-van?

The weather has been bad so I haven't left the van's windows or doors open. I lock my cars up at night, so I doubt a pranking passerby dropped the toad in...and...I have interviewed all family members and they claim to be averse to handling such vermin and TOTALLY deny any knowledge of a toad in my van.

My discovery occurred on a rainy night when I stopped for gas on my way home from work. I got out to squeegee my windshield and paid the attendant as he removed the gas hose. When I turned to get into the open door, I was startled by the little sentry standing guard at the edge of my door. I called over the attendant and we had a good a laugh when I said, "Where's the National Geographic photographer when you need one?"

Who knows how long that little bugger was hopping around inside my van? I cupped him in my hands and set it in the grassy landscaping and wondered how? Now when I reflect back...I have more evidence for The Art Bell Show because the only culpable culprits capable of such chicanery would have to be shadow people.