Monday, September 14, 2009


I just got an E-Mail from Chicken Little. In it, he said the boy who cried, "WOLF!" "twittered" him and apparently, the sky is falling again...UGH!

In an ensuing phone call C. L. said, "Yes, its later than you think, the end is near...its time to repent! The cataclysm is officially upon us."

"So that means," I countered, "its time to; re-stock the bomb shelter with water, can goods and Twinkies, arm to the teeth, vulcanize your ark and invest in a second set of solar panels."

Gulp! I couldn't believe the knucklehead said, "Yes! And and before the flood waters rise, you should start sizing up the folks you want on your boat...because the re-birth of humanity might rest in your hands."


"Money," he said, "will be useless. Raw precious metals, gasoline and batteries will become the coin of the realm..." I cut him off, "Yeah, yeah I saw that episode of the 'TWILIGHT ZONE' that was the one with Wally Cox and Buddy Ebsen." "Your not taking me seriously..." I said, "No I am not."

Chicken Little informed me of the impending apocalypse. He was kind enough to tell me that the annihilation of the world as we know it is coming. AND! it would occur...2012. I said, "2012? How can you be so sure?" He was dazzling my mind with numerous profound negative examples of the number 12 when he explained, "The bloodiest battle of the War of 1812 happened in 1813." When my jaw dropped he continued, "And you don't need me to remind you that the Titanic sunk in 1912." "That's it?" I said, "You're basing Armageddon on that?" "No!" he stated, "there's more." "Wait," I said, "don't you see what's happening right now with the swine flu 'epidemic?' A gazillion people die from regular flu every year and it's just tough toe-nails...but two die from swine flu and its time to run for your lives. Don't you understand it only takes one media moron to get the ball rolling and its Y2K and the killer bees again." He whispered, "The Mayan calendar is the key." I thought my head was going to explode from his spewed rantings. Then he ended this tirade with, "The Mayan calendar ends in 2012."


I try to remain supportive of my friends but I couldn't help but laugh. He didn't appreciate my attitude and added, "Don't be fooled. There will be few survivors this time around...and you'll want to be was predicted by Nostradamus." "I hate to burst your bubble," I said, "but the percentage of accurate Nostril-damus predictions are especially low." He said, "His name is pronounced Nostradamus." I said, "No. He was actually Dutch and its pronounced Nostril-damus. Back in the 1500's, in one of the few times in history when it was cool to be French, Nostril-damus passed himself off as a Parisian. Really check it out. They all thought he was a weirdo with all his far fetched quatrains and started busting on him because the sides of his nose were especially fleshy. Back then, the French didn't have a single word for nostril. So they would describe that body part as...the sides of your nose. But because he was such a wacko, his critics used it as an insult and eventually named it after him. After he died and became famous, the word nostril was considered a tribute."

Chicken Little tried to change the subject. I interrupted, "The end of the world is a great money maker. People come up with clever gimmicks, write books or sell survival equipment to get rich quick. Others just like the spotlight on them and hope to become famous. The true profiteers recognize this weakness in our society and prey on irrational fear. If this fear is allowed to fester, hysteria takes over and the guy who got in on the 'ground floor' selling phosphorescent-colored, radio-activity de-naturizers...laughs all the way to the bank.

"No!" Chicken Little asserted, "I read the charts and Saturn will be in perfect alignment with Uranus during the vernal equinox in 2012." I said, "Have you checked 2012's bio-rhythms, it's numerology, had a tarot card reading, experienced a remote viewing or checked your theory against the time travel continuum?" Chicken Little said, "Hey, I may not be able to explain it, but when you're swallowed up by the blight, don't come cryin' to me." I said, "This virtual end to mankind...will it be sudden or gradual?" He said, "Gradual...I told you, its gonna be a flood." "How big is the boat you're building?" "My friend has a boat...I'm in charge stockpiling batteries.." "Oh. Have you started a bucket-list?" "Yeah, I want to have sex in every state between now and then." I said, "Really?" He said, "I have a head start, I already took care of Jersey, Pennsylvania, Delaware and Florida. And on my vacation next month, I'm driving to Topeka, to hook-up with this fireplug I met on-line." When I smirked he added, "I also want to learn conversational Latin and get on the 'Twenty-Thousand Dollar Pyramid!'"
I wonder if he realizes he has a better shot at learning Latin?


Chicken Little is investing too much of his faith in this. Couldn't it be just possible that the Mayans took the calendar as far into the future as they could. Isn't it possible that it coincidentally ends three years from now. After all its a great gimmick and sells books, creates TV shows etc. Now, I know its a heavy object but have the end-of-worlders lifted one of these babies up and checked the reverse side? Maybe we have another twelve hundred years. And what about the sides, I bet they could cram a few centuries there too. And perhaps if they were as advanced a civilization as we've been led to believe...I bet if the archeologists kept digging...they'd find built-in adapters to add extensions. Hell, hockey players are far from geniuses but the have invented adapters to add rings to the Stanley Cup. THE STANLEY CUP CONTINUES TO GROW (notices the 5 bottom tiers) AS TO INCLUDE THE PLAYER NAMES OF EACH YEAR'S NHL CHAMPIONS.

My answer to Chicken Little and you too, is the sky IS NOT falling. Relax, have a nice glass of celery soda (CEL-RAY) and enjoy life. The exception being, if you see the angle, create the nonsense widget, put a price tag on it and laugh all the way to the bank.


Sol said...

Steve....let's get a jump on this 2012 thing by teaming up and opening a survival kits store. After all, with Pa. getting gaming tables soon, we'll be self employed and rich enough to retire when 2013 begins!

Sol said...

Steve....let's get a jump on this 2012 thing by teaming up and opening a survival kits store. After all, with Pa. getting gaming tables soon, we'll be self employed and rich enough to retire when 2013 begins!