Monday, December 26, 2011

A FEW GOOD REINDEER

CONSPIRACY THEORIST ALERT !

Suppose I was to tell you that one of the great truths...not only of your lifetime but going back a thousand years...was a lie.

What if I was to tell you that this calculated misrepresentation can be traced back to the actual Santa Claus!

Perhaps the idea would become clear if I also told you...that according to the Farmers Almanac; there hasn't been a foggy Christmas eve at the North Pole, in ten centuries.

Yes, the true story...not the common belief...of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, comes-off like a thousand-to-one shot, ala Rocky versus Apollo Creed...except Rudolph loses.


THE PLOT OF THE 1976 MOVIE, "ROCKY," CENTERED ON A FORGOTTEN NOBODY OF BOXING, ROCKY BALBOA, DEFEATING THE HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF THE WORLD, APOLLO CREED.

We all know what we've been told but Rudolph's real name was Sunny. In his rookie sleigh-pulling season, he joined what we now call "Santa's Team." But he didn't fit in. Sunny was repeatedly disciplined with oral and written reprimands for not respecting the North Pole Toy Shop's chain of command.


When Sunny didn't conform, management aimed their wrath at the other reindeer. The rank and file was expected to apply peer pressure to deal with Sunny's shortcomings. Sunny didn't respond and the other reindeer started to receive an escalating series of punishments, (like having their pine cone sauce eliminated from the food line and their time starts drastically changed).

The overall conditions severely deteriorated. Childishly, Sunny's now exhausted fellow sleigh-pullers, blamed him for the increasingly hostile work environment. The anxiety caused the reindeer to turn on the elves, the elves argued with the snowmen and the snowmen refused to work with the narwhals. Eventually the entire staff ostracized Sunny primarily due to the trouble he caused them, his lack of teamwork and his diversity, (he was Latvian...from the other side of the proverbial forest). Sunny also had a meek personality and possessed physical differences like; an alien accent, being slow and awkward, as well as his famous shiny nose.

Sunny's superiors took their negative report all the way to Klaus von Bowser. Bowser, the sole proprietor and lone deliveryman of the North Pole Toy Shop, was infuriated that such a weak foreigner might jeopardize his personal reputation as well as the fiscal solvency of his esteemed organization. To be on the safe side, Bowser had his underlings follow the designated company protocol but Rudolph remained contemptuous.

The busiest time of year was looming. Bowser felt pressured by the calendar as the ides of December approached. To snap the oddball into line, he ordered a violent, extrajudicial punishment...which in regard to Sunny was euphemistically called, "a Code Red."


TOM CRUISE, JACK NICHOLSON, AND DEMI MOORE STARRED IN THE 1992 COURTROOM DRAMA, "A FEW GOOD MEN, " WHICH POORLY PLAGIARIZED
THE SUNNY INCIDENT.


There were two fatal errors made in administering the code red. First, the two, honor reindeer selected to scare Sunny straight, had a history of masochism. Previously, during a hazing, the over zealousness of these "black ops" reindeer, (Harold and Louden), got out of hand and nearly caused the suffocation death of a woodland sprite, training to be an elf.

The second fail safe that wasn't checked was Sunny's medical dossier. In it, his diabetes and bronchial problems were clearly identified.

Harold and Louden attacked Sunny while he was in bed. Their form of humiliation, torture and torment included shoving a rag down the victim's throat. Sunny began to gasp. Cold sweat poured out of him, his eyes rolled up into his head and he started shaking. After the gag was taken from his mouth, Sunny had a seizure. Harold panicked. He found a syringe in the bed stand and blindly jabbed insulin into Sunny's arm.

Harold and Louden faced the reindeer death penalty when they were charged with murder. At the trail, they implicated their supervisors and ultimately, the megalomaniac at the top. Klaus von Bowser was finally called as a witness. He was accused of tampering with the coroner's report that now called Sunny's death, an accidental insulin overdose.


On the witness stand, during their the fiery exchange Bowser said to the opposing lawyer, "At the North Pole, I save lives all over the world. You want me there because you aren't man enough to haul your ass down a chimney yourself." The lawyer said, "No! What I want is the truth." Bowser yelled, "You can't handle the truth!"

The circumstantial evidence against Harold and Louden didn't hold up in court. However, they were dismissed from the honor sleigh service and demoted to the rank of; reindeer first class...which meant, they were reduced to pulling the sleigh on Christmas.

Bowser was proven innocent and his shriveled soul went unscathed. He even survived two subsequent trails on related charges and was never convicted.

Highlights of the trails, showing Bowser in a positive light were leaked to the press. The actual testimony was covered-up and never made it into the newspaper. But through his publicist and a team of expensive attorneys, Bowser's heroic spin was foisted upon the public. He was hailed throughout Christendom as the savior of Christmas. When those undeserved accolades blossomed in the form of Sainthood, Bowser changed his name to Santa Claus.
YOU'LL NOTICE THAT THERE IS NO SHINY NOSE ON THE LEAD REINDEER IN CONTEMPORARY SANTA PHOTOS.


To hide their shame, Harold and Louden changed their names too, to Donder and Blitzen. And to make the story easier to take, we were told that Sunny was not killed. Instead, he was selected as the lead reindeer, because his beacon-like sniffer helped Santa navigate through the (non-existent), fog. And to make the whole contrivance cuter and more acceptable, Sunny's ordeal was turned into the fairy tale we all now love...and his name was changed to, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

I am sure you are joking. But you shouldn't show Santa in bad way. --- Bligoo (Marseille France)

Anonymous said...

"A FEW GOOD REINDEER," dude you got some imagination. That was very funny. I'm guessing you were hitting the egg nog pretty hard when you hatched that one up. --- GMAN the Devils fan

Anonymous said...

"You can't handle the truth"...a great line and you used it well. But save me a trip to the dictionary...what's a narwhal. Merry Christmas --- THE DONALD

Anonymous said...

Reading between the lines of, "A FEW GOOD REINDEER," reminds me of a place I used to work at. Just sayin'!!! Ho! Ho! Ho! Wishing you and your family a Happy and Healthy New Year ! --- M of M&T

Anonymous said...

At first I was laughing my ass off then I realized the jOke is on us. Keep your stories coming, I love 'em. --- MARIEINBRIG