THE SHINIEST OF TWO TURDS

There is no better time, (the eve of Election Day), to celebrate Kinky Friedman's birthday.  So while we congratulate him, let's also thank this prolific author of humorous detective novels for a couple of his greatest contributions to mankind.  First, referring to the act of defecation as; taking a Nixon.  Second, the encoded and far sillier phrase; mit, mit, mit.

Kinky portrays himself in his books and instructs his assistant (Watson) that if he is held hostage, he will call out; mit, mit, mit.  While his captor will think he's an idiot, for making strange noises, it will really be a warning signal to Watson, (M. I. T. = Man In Danger).

RICHARD "KINKY" FRIEDMAN (NOVEMBER 1, 1944 TO PRESENT),  IS A SINGER, SONG WRITER, NOVELIST AND POLITICAL HOPEFUL, (IN 2006,  HIS BID TO BECOME TEXAS GOVERNOR NETTED HIM 12.6% OF THE VOTE AND A FOURTH PLACE FINISH).

Tomorrow, my son Andrew will have the privilege to vote for the first time.  Plus, he has the added bonus of this being a presidential election year.  But rather than over load my readership with another column about my child, I decided to write about all our children.

Young voters need to be reminded by an objective source (me) that they should remain independent and never exclusively align with a single party.  Ideally, all politicians should be unified and motivated to solve the same problems.  But special interest block this common sense approach to the "greater good" because warring factions can't agree on what the greater good actually is.

The individual issues of the day are too important and wide-ranging to restrict us with partisanship.  Rather, each candidate or issue should be treated as a separate entity.  Regardless of the Democratic or Republican spin, voters have a responsibility to cross-over (party lines) in order to pick and choose whoever or whatever best represents their unique interests.

In June 1972, (the year before I was eligible to vote for the first time), the Watergate break-in of the Democratic National Committee headquarters took place.  It is possible that part of the motive for this blight on the concept of fair play was to find detrimental information on the democratic, candidate George McGovern.  The ensuing smear tactics made by these "dirty tricks" helped Richard Nixon get re-elected in one of the biggest landslides in American electoral history.

A VIP MAGNET SINCE 1965, THE BESMIRCHED  WATERGATE HOTEL IS NOW SINGULARLY ASSOCIATED WITH THE 1972 SCANDAL (AND ITS COVER-UP).  THE BREAK-IN LED TO 43 CONVICTIONS AND INCARCERATIONS OF NIXON'S CLOSEST CONFIDANTS...AND EVENTUALLY, TO THE PRESIDENT'S RESIGNATION (AUGUST 9, 1974).

When I was seventeen, my specific interest in the '72 election, (even though I was a spectator) was McGovern unseating Nixon from a second term.  My unique issue was ending the war in Vietnam, (I would be entering the draft in 1973).  Yes, the fear of getting shot-up in what seemed to be an unnecessary war was obliviously unappealing therefore I was overwhelmingly, for the anti-war McGovern.  Unfortunately, McGovern not only lost the election, was embarrassed by the margin of defeat but was beaten my a man whose name has become synonymous with being a crooked politician.

GEORGE McGOVERN (1922-2012) WAS A LONG-TIME SENATOR FROM SOUTH DAKOTA.  PRESIDENT JOHN KENNEDY ONCE CALLED HIM, "THE MOST DECENT MAN IN THE SENATE."  BUT BECAUSE OF HIS STUNNING LOSS IN THE 1972 ELECTION, HE SANK INTO POLITICAL OBLIVION. TWO WEEKS AGO, HE DIED AS A VIRTUAL UNKNOWN.

George McGovern was an Air Force pilot in WWII.  He flew thirty-five missions over German-occupied Europe and earned the Distinguished Flying Cross for heroism. He understood firsthand, the mental and physical toll of combat. As a politician, he wanted to use his intellect to convey his anti-war sentiments.

In Washington, as early as 1962, McGovern became an outspoken leader against U.S. involvement in Vietnam. An exemplar of liberalism, he included the following excerpt in a 1963 speech before the senate. "The current dilemma in Vietnam is a clear demonstration of the limitations of military power ... [Current U.S. involvement] is a policy of moral debacle and political defeat ... The trap we have fallen into there will haunt us in every corner of this revolutionary world if we do not properly appraise its lessons."

Unfortunately, McGovern's voice could not be heard over the explosions in that obscure corner of Southeast Asia.  In fact, the land was so remote that most combatants sent there, had little idea where they were going.   Instead, under the Lyndon Johnson administration, the war escalated.  In 1965, McGovern visited Vietnam and said, "I'm fed up to ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in."

Today's young voters could use a George McGovern or a Ronald Reagan to champion the cause of the people.  Our country is faced with intense economic and civil uncertainty and just when we need a knight in shining armor or a superman to lift us out of the morass and back into world prominence...we are left with two feeble choices.  Mr. Obama and Mr. Romney may as well be Jimmy Carter versus George W. Bush because regardless who "wins," I seriously doubt either of them has the right stuff to lead us towards prosperity. 

RONALD REAGAN WAS A SUPERMAN AND A REPUBLICAN.  I'M POSITIVE HE COULD  KEEP OUR MILITARY THREAT STRONG WHILE LEADING US OUT OF THE WOODS AT HOME.  AND DEMOCRATIC GEORGE McGOVERN WAS A KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR WHO WOULD HAVE KEPT OUR CHILDREN FROM GETTING KILLED IN IRAQ AND AFGHANISTAN.

Tomorrow's election will be between the bickering talking heads whose mumble-jumble left their series of  debates, a stalemate.  Content to dwell on finger-pointing neither man displayed any vision or a clear method out of country's continuing crisis. 

Four years ago, I voted for Mr. Obama.  I felt good about it...but not because I saw greatness in the man...but because John McCain was such an inferior choice that it felt like Obama was running unopposed.

This time, we don't have the same luxury.  The republicans again dropped the ball.  They had four years to groom someone for the White House and they came up with Mitt Romney.  So this time around, I'm more confused because both men seem equally inept for different reasons.  I really hate to tell first time voters to choose wisely because they have an impossible decision...to select which is the shiniest of the two turds.

Before we sink into defeatism, I hope our nation picks a winner.  If not, we'll need Kinky Friedman to come up with someone who could respond to; cit, cit, cit, ( C. I.T. = County In Trouble).

And please, take a moment to acknowledge the life of George McGovern who passed away last month.  With a name like McGovern, it would have been apt as well as poetic license for him to have been president.

PAT PAULSEN FOR PRESIDENT...IN ABSENTIA

Russian physiologist Ivan Pavlov (1849-1936), would be proud to know that every time Election Day rolls around, my mouth waters and the Smothers Brothers come to mind.

The Tom and Dick Smothers were singing comedians. Both were born on Governors Island, in New York City's Harbor, (Tom in 1937, Dick in 1939). They grew-up in California. Their first professional performance was in 1959. They also made several successful record albums before appearing on TV's, "JACK PAAR SHOW," (January 28, 1961). In 1964, they debuted in a dramatic (comedic) role as hoarders on, "BURKE'S LAW."

THEIR SCHTICK MIXED FOLK MUSIC WITH COMEDY. TOM (left) ON ACOUSTIC GUITAR, TOOK ON A SLOW-WITTED PERSONA. DICK (right) ON STRING BASS, WAS THE SMART, STRAIGHT MAN. THEIR PERFORMANCE WAS TYPICALLY INTERRUPTED BY AN ARGUMENT AND ENDED WITH TOM'S SIGNATURE STATEMENT, "MOM ALWAYS LIKED YOU BEST." THEY WERE SUCH GOOD ACTORS BECAUSE, I ONLY RECENTLY LEARNED THAT IN ACTUALITY, TOM (the older one) WAS CLEARLY THE LEADER, HAD SHREWD BUSINESS SENSE AND POSSESSED MORE ARTISTIC CREATIVITY.
In 1965-1966, they got their own TV program, "THE SMOTHERS BROTHERS SHOW." To their dissatisfaction, their strong point (music) was never included. Instead Tom portrayed an angel who came to earth to oversee (interfere with) his brother, a swinging bachelor.

Despite that situation-comedy's short life, CBS in 1967, gave them another opportunity with the, "SMOTHERS BROTHERS COMEDY HOUR." It started out as a hip version of the popular variety shows of its day. Headed by a team of comedy writers that included; Steve Martin, Don "Father Guido Sarducci" Novello, Rob Reiner, Bob Einstein and his brother Albert Brooks, Leigh French and Pat Paulsen...the show had a skyrocketing appeal to the younger (15-25), generation.

Soon, the CBS censors placed restrictions on the humor when sponsors deemed some of the material to be controversial and not in their best interests. However, satirizing race, the president and the war in Vietnam was the show's defining content.

Similar pressure limited the lyrics and themes of their musical guests like; George Harrison, Joan Baez, Buffalo Springfield, Donovan, Janis Ian, Peter, Paul & Mary, Steppenwolf, The Who, Simon & Garfunkel and Pete Seeger.

To protect their financial interests, CBS insisted that all scripts must be reviewed ten days prior to air. Depending who your source is, the show either worked in earnest to fit their art into the network's professional integrity standards or they were outright rebellious...and only wanted to see how far they could push the envelope. Therefore, words, concepts and entire songs were eliminated by CBS. This scrutiny also happened to comedy skits. The network even put the kibosh on a whole episode.

To baffle the censors, the writers were forced underground. To the delight of their target demographic who felt that the encrypted double-entendre punchlines (mainly from the hippie/drug culture) were for them only...and better yet, went over their parents' heads. I was too young and never picked-up on any of the coded jokes...to me, the Smothers Brothers were just funny.

EDITOR'S NOTE - For more in depth information about how the Smothers Brothers became folk heroes and their struggles for free speech, check-out the documentary, "SMOTHERED."
LEIGH FRENCH (center) HAD A MAJOR ROLE IN THE HIDDEN COUNTERCULTURE WORD PLAY. SHE PLAYED SPACED-OUT, GOLDIE O'KEEFE AND SOLOED IN A SKIT CALLED, "SHARE A LITTLE TEA WITH GOLDIE." IN THE PSYCHEDELIC 60's, THE TERM, "SHARING TEA" WAS A EUPHEMISM FOR SMOKING POT. EVEN HER NAMES, "GOLDIE" AND "KEIF," WERE NICKNAMES FOR MARIJUANA. FREQUENTLY, SHE OFFERED HOUSEHOLD HINTS LACED WITH INSIDER SEX AND DRUG REFERENCES LIKE; THE BEST WAYS TO DEAL WITH YOUR, "ROACHES."

One of the other writers, Pat Paulsen also became a common on-screen character. He was discovered and given his big break into show business when Tom and Dick spotted him performing in a San Francisco nightclub. They hired him because he sold his songs cheap and agreed to run errands.


Paulsen, (July 6, 1927-April 24, 1997), was first cast as an editorialist due to his deadpan expression and skill when delivering double-talk, on contemporary issues. The logical next step was to have him do a mock presidential election campaign. In 1968, this recurring skit injected him into national consciousness.
LIKE A PAVLOVIAN CUE, EVERY ELECTION DAY, I SALIVATE AND THINK OF THE SMOTHERS BROTHERS AND PAT PAULSEN. EVEN AFTER THE SHOW ENDED, HE "RAN" FOR PRESIDENT AGAIN IN, '72, '80, '92 AND '96. IN EACH ELECTION, HE RECEIVED A SURPRISING AMOUNT OF PROTEST VOTES.
Paulsen's anti-establishment platform was purely comedic. But over the course of twenty-five years his sarcastic zingers against mainstream politicos and relevant social problems got voters to think in new ways. Although his comments and criticisms were based on seriousness, it was obvious that his clowning was exaggerations, lies and tongue-in-cheek raillery. Some of my favorite Paulsen-isms are:

• A good many people feel our present draft laws are unjust. These people are called soldiers.




• (Campaign chant) We can't stand pat!
  
  


• I'm neither left wing or right wing. I'm middle of the bird.





• If either the left wing or the right wing gained control of the USA, we'd fly in circles.

I will never lose my appreciation for Pat Paulsen, the Smothers Brothers or their writers. But I feel that the whole concept of him running for president was stolen from, "MAD MAGAZINE."
"MAD MAGAZINE," STARTED THEIR, "ALFRED E. NEUMAN FOR PRESIDENT CAMPAIGN," IN 1960. HE NEVER RECEIVED THE VOLUME OF PROTEST VOTES THAT PAULSEN GOT BUT TO ME, HE'LL ALWAYS BE THE ORIGINAL AND BEST FAKE CANDIDATE... OOPS, I LIKED RONALD REAGAN TOO.


Ironically, the same humor that played a role in, "THE SMOTHERS BROTHERS COMEDY HOUR," getting cancelled is still considered politically incorrect, (they were actually fired after only 72 episodes, on April 4, 1969). This was proven when this "poster show for the first amendment," was re-run with plenty of bleeps, in 1993, on the E-CHANNEL.

When you consider that the Smothers Brothers and "Mad," both scoffed at the same things, I think if Paulsen and Neuman were on next year's ballot, I'd vote for Alfred E. Neuman. My reason is, "MAD" has been going strong since 1952 and because they don't cave-in to their sponsors, (they don't allow advertisements), I doubt Mr. Neuman was ever censored. But far more importantly, even though Pat Paulsen has not been with us for fourteen years...he's a perennial...which means he left a lasting impression on many people.

I'm sure Pavlov would again be proud to know, next November at election time, the mere thought of Paulsen's name will result in some disgruntled Americans having their mouth water...as they cast a write-in vote for him. And I bet its a landslide compared to what Neuman gets.