SHERBERT vs. SORBERT

Please help me honor Independence Day and the brave men and women in our military.  Also, excuse me for writing a blog on how wonderful my vacation was...outside the USA.

WE DIDN'T STRAY FAR, BERMUDA IS OFF THE COAST OF NORTH CAROLINA.

Our family get-away last week was a cruise.  The fun took on a new wrinkle by including Andrew's girlfriend Amanda.  And even before the four of us hit the high seas, the consistent theme of our adventure would be, new knowledge.

First we found out, it's better to be lucky than good.  At Amanda's house, we expected to pick her up and go.  But her gracious parents gave us a party-like send-off, so we lost track of time.  The lucky part was...we hit no traffic, all the way into Manhattan and up to the Norwegian Cruise Line (NCL) docks, (West 55th Street and 12th Avenue).

The ship boarded passengers from noon till 4:PM.  At 4:15, we "lugged" our luggage into the empty football field-sized processing hall.  Between us and the distant metal detectors, I saw the dormant serpentine ropes that could've accomodated several hundred people as it meandered through the great oblong space. I asked an uniformed employee, "Which way to the Norwegian Breakaway?"  Electric impulses of fear shot through my body as he turned away and screamed, "Charley, is the Breakaway still boarding?"  Thank goodness, they were.

A minute later at check in, the French accented agent politely informed us, "If you learn only one thing today, please remember for next time, ships do leave tardy, paying customers behind."  I looked behind us, there's a chance, we were the last one's to get on.

 ANDREW AND AMANDA JUST BEFORE BOARDING.  THE  BREAKAWAY IS THE NEWEST STAR IN NORWEGIAN'S FLEET.  IT'S MAIDEN VOYAGE WAS MAY 2013 AND JUDGING FROM THAT NICE "NEW" CRUISE SHIP SMELL, WE COULD TELL THIS WAS ONLY  IT'S FIFTH TRIP.

We went to one of the many welcome aboard parties.  Twenty minutes after getting on, I was enjoying my first taste of tremendously sweet pineapple (I bet I ate ten pounds in a week), when a girl from Andrew's high school spotted him.  Over the next seven days, the enormity of the ship (almost 4,000 passengers) was proven because he never saw that girl again.

WE STAYED OUTSIDE AS THE GRAND BOAT SAILED DOWN THE HUDSON AND PAST THE STATUE OF LIBERTY UNTIL EVERYONE CHEERED AS WE COASTED UNDER THER VERAZZANO BRIDGE.

We lingered on deck until the Coney Island section of Brooklyn was a mere speck in our rearview mirror.  Inside, Sue wanted to check-out the gym and spa.  It was there I found nirvana, (the suana, steam room and Jacuzzi).

I FOUND TWO NEW INNOVATIONS, A SALT ROOM AND THE HEATED THERAPEUTIC BEDS, (above).  I VOWED TO OUR TURKISH HOST...TO NEVER LEAVE.  THEN HE TOLD ME THE ADDED COST!  HENCE, UNLIKE OUR OTHER CRUISES, THIS GOOD STUFF CAME AT A PREMIUM PRICE.  MY RELUCTANT, THRIFTY ASS WAS DIRECTED TO THE FREE HOT TUBS ON DECK FOR THE PEONS.  STRIKE-ONE NORWEGIAN!


We got ourselves situated and relaxed before dinner.  I soon learned that it wasn't a good idea for me to only bring one pair of pants.

NO I DIDN'T DROP A DOLLOP OF SPAGHETTI SAUCE ON MY LAP BUT AFTER MY FIRST PIG-OUT MEAL, I DISCOVERED THAT I COULDN'T BUTTON MY PANTS, (PANTS WERE REQUIRED IN THE GOURMET ROOM).

The art deco-styled Manhattan Room was sophisticated and beautiful.  The service was elegant and it included a live band and dance floor.

YOU CAN'T TELL FROM THIS ANGLE BUT BY DESSERT, I WAS FORCED TO *UNBUTTON MY PANTS...OR EXPLODE. * NOTE TO SELF, NEXT CRUISE BRING BIGGER PANTS OR A GIRDLE.

Later, we learned that nineteen-year olds, even in international waters are considered too young to drink.  However, Sue on different occasions, let the kids sample her Pina Colada, Strawberry Daiquiri and Bahama Mama, (I brought a case of diet cherry Pepsi from home...and the kids liked that too).  Now let me teach you something, out at sea, eighteen-year olds are of legal age to gamble.

BEGINNERS LUCK!  ANDREW AND AMANDA WALKED AWAY FROM THAT SLOT MACHINE WITH A SMALL FORTUNE.  TOO BAD THEY STARTED WITH A BIG FORTUNE.  THAT'S A 75c VOUCHER...THEY BOUGHT-IN FOR TWENTY DOLLARS.  OF COURSE, IT'S A MOOT POINT BECAUSE IT WAS SUE'S TWENTY. HOPEFULLY THEY CAME AWAY WITH THE KNOWLEDGE THAT THERE'S NO PERCENTAGE IN GAMBLING.

Beyond the Manhattan Room, the menu was the same in other dining rooms, "Savor" and "Taste."  Even though the staff was less savvy, our next few dinners were there because I was too embarrassed to divulge the secret of my tight pants.

 AT NIGHT, THE KIDS ALWAYS DRESSED WELL.  AT THE TASTE RESTAURANT, (above)  I'M IN STAINED GYM SHORTS AND MY THIRTY-YEAR OLD ALFRED E. NEUMAN T-SHIRT.

I know the main focus of our excursion shouldn't be on food but...

ANDREW DISCOVERED THE HARD WAY WHAT SCUNGILLI AND CALAMARI ARE...MAYBE I SHOULD'VE TOLD HIM THEY WERE BEETS AND TURNIPS.

For some inexplicable reason, the ship pumped-up the air conditioning at night. I brought a hoodie for emergency purposes only so I (we) froze a lot.  Sue brought some warmer clothes but she caught a cold.  We're off the ship five days and she still can't kick the sniffles, sore throat and laryngitis ...and now I'm starting to feel similar symptoms.  Strike-two Norwegian!

Others (not us) battled the cold temperatures by going to the Ice Bar.  Norwegian, in partnership with Svedka Vodka, opened an intimate, frosty pub featuring a range of icy drinks.

IT MUST BE "COOL" BECAUSE THERE WAS USUALLY A LINE TO GET IN.  FOR TWENTY DOLLARS, THEY LEND AN ARCTIC-WORTHY HOODED COAT AND GLOVES, WHILE PROVIDING TWO DRINKS AND A LASER LIGHT SHOW.

In our own way, we minimized the freezing.  That's when I learned that it was perfectly comfortable for after-dinner strolls outside, on the boardwalk-like deck.  The main reason why this became part of our daily routine was the glorious weather.  I don't care what's going on inside, if the boat is going through a storm or turbulent seas, it's nearly impossible to enjoy yourself.    

I think a lot of our fellow passengers assumed it was windy.  So they froze after dinner because they failed to realize how nice it was outside.  Of course some of those who did venture out were still in shell-shock from the recent barrage of natural calamities, like hurricanes and tornados. So some of them panicked and ran back inside when they saw the wild cloud formation in the distance.  I'm no meteorologist but I can recognize peaceful waters and calm winds.  Besides, I know great scenery when I see it.

A BETTER PHOTO OF THE SKY INCLUDED TWO OLD BIDDIES FIGHTING TO BE FIRST ON THE LIFEBOAT QUEUE, (QUEUE, THAT'S BRIT-SPEAK FOR LINE), BUT THAT PICTURE CAME OUT BLURRY.

If you've never gone on a cruise, you should remember what was told to me before I went on my first...once you go on a cruise, you'll never want to vacation any other way.  I'm sure there's exceptions but if you want to be busy with organized events, you could spend every waking second being entertained.  Each day the social director's staff publishes an itinery and you could take part in contests, demonstration seminars, classes, movies, swimming, sports or see a wide variety of musicians, comedians and shows.

LONG STORY SHORT, I GOT STUCK IN THE RED TUBE WHICH CONTINUES TO THE DECK BELOW, (far left).  I WAS HUMILIATED BECAUSE A RESCUE TEAM HAD TO PULL ME OUT.  ALL EYES WERE ON ME AS I WAS FREED. I FELT LIKE A BROWN TROUT BEING SURGICALLY REMOVED FROM A PLUMBING PIPE. STRIKE-THREE NORWEGIAN!

Sue and I went to different bars to hear and dance to the blues, rock-n-roll and hip-hop.  We also saw the Second City Comedy troupe twice, a salute to ballroom dancing, a terrible comic/magician and the Broadway show, "ROCK OF AGES." 

GREAT MUSICAL PERFORMANCES OVER-SHADOWED THE  STUPID STORY LINE OF "ROCK OF AGES." AFTERWARDS, ANDREW AND I MUGGED IT UP WITH THE CAST.  ACTOR ON LEFT LOOKED LIKE FRANKIERIO. 

Between organized activities, Sue and I entertained ourselves.

THIS CRIPPLING EXPERIENCE WAS BETTER THAN BINGO BUT IT MIGHT'VE ENDED MY DANCING THE "HUCKLEBUCK" DAYS.

We landed in Bermuda, at Heritage Wharf in the Royal Naval Dockyard, on the morning of the fourth day.  The capital city Hamilton is a delightful ferry ride across the bay.  The other option is a hair-raising, hour-long bus ride.  To get to the magnificent beaches, you can go either way.  The first of our three-days on terra firma was at Horseshoe Bay Beach.

IMMACULATE HORSESHOE BAY BOASTS PINK SAND.  UNBEKNOWNST TO ME, SUE STUFFED SOME IN A BAGGIE BUT GOT BUSTED GOING BACK ON THE SHIP. 

When I saw this body-like formation of seaweed from the distance, I thought SLVRM6 had won a back shaving contest.

ON VACATION, SUE IS AN EXPERT OVER-PACKER.  ANY ODD-BALL NECESSITY, AS IF BY WIZARDRY, CAN BE PLUCKED FROM HER FELIX THE CAT-LIKE BAG OF TRICKS.  BUT WHEN I ASKED FOR A JAR OF GLUE SO I COULD STICK SEAWEED ON MY BACK AS A TRIBUTE TO MY HAIRY BUDDY (AL6), SHE LAMENTED, "NO CAN DO."  OF COURSE IT'S STILL POSSIBLE SHE HAD IT BUT DIDN'T WANT TO RISK SEEING ME MAKE AN EVEN BIGGER BUFFOON OUT OF MYSELF.


Our dinner that night was at Savor.  The serving staff is always so nice.  But few employees emphasize friendly chatter or use any personal touches.  The best example of one who did was Conred.

WHILE THE REST OF THE ROOM ATE THEIR DINNER AS IF THEY WERE IN A CATHEDERAL, CONRED ACTIVELY TOOK PART AND IMPROVED OUR HIJINX.

Some of the demonstrations that we never took part in included; fruit sculpting, ice carving and the ancient art of towel folding.  I'm guessing, the housekeepers were required to take towel art classes because to the delight of Sue and Amanda, each night a different towel animal adorned one the beds.

WITH ORAGAMI ON THE DOWN SWING, TOWEL ART IS SWEEPING THE UNIVERSE.  THE ELEPHANT WAS MY FAVORITE BUT EVERYONE SEEMED TO PREFER THE PENGUIN, (above).

The second day in port, I strayed from the breakfast buffet, (it was tough to go without my daily pineapple fix).  Plus, the choice I made at O'Sheehan's, (an English themed bar that served food), proved costly.  That's when I learned that it's common practice for Brits to eat baked beans as a morning side dish. Sue made better use of her time by learning about one of the best kept secret beaches in Bermuda.

ON THE PLUS SIDE, LATER THAT MORNING, THOSE BAKED BEANS HELPED GET ME A CHOICE SEAT, ALL BY MYSELF, ON THE CROWDED HARBOR CROSSING.

Just like going from Brooklyn's Bensonhurst to Canarsie, after the ferry docked in Hamilton, we took the Number-7 bus.  The directions that Sue got was a couple of stops past a place called Jews Bay.  We got off at Warwick Long Bay Beach.  We hadn't taken ten steps when we realized that we had arrived at heaven on earth.

THE ONLY WAY TO IMPROVE THE SCENERY WAS TO PUT THESE GUYS IN THE PICTURE.

Warwick Beach proved to be a half-mile stretch of paradise.  This quiet, secluded spot featured gentle rolling turquoise waves, coral reefs and pale, white sand.  I can't ever remember not falling asleep at a beach but I stayed awake for this. We hung-out in the water for hours before exploring the rock formations and the hidden coves.

THE NATIONAL BIRD OF BERMUDA IS THE LONG TAIL, (not pictured).  TO ME, THAT COMMON SHORE BIRD LOOKS LIKE A SEAGULL WITH LONG FEATHERS.  A BETTER CHOICE WOULD BE, THE YELLOW-BREASTED KISKADEE.  WE ONLY SAW TWO NEAR THE COVES AND THEIR BEAUTY AND ELEGANCE OF FLIGHT MADE IT HARD TO TAKE YOUR EYES OFF.  THE IMPRESSION THEY LEFT, MADE ME ANXIOUS TO FIND SOMEONE WHO COULD IDENTIFY IT FOR ME.

The mountainous rocks were a photo-fest.

I AM LYING AT THE EDGE OF A CLIFF AND SUE IS STANDING ON A HILL SHOOTING DOWN AT THE COVE.  LATER I HAD TO CLIMB ON ROCKS TO GET DOWN WHERE THAT COUPLE IS, (upper right).  IT WAS SUCH A SPECIAL PLACE THAT I WISH I COULD GO THERE EVERY TIME I NEED TO MEDITATE.  TO SEE MY OTHER 98 PICTURES FROM THAT AREA, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE COME BY THE HOUSE.

On the way back from our great outing, Sue took some amazing seascape shots from the ferry.  My favorite is the one that caused me to sing, "THE GOOD SHIP LOLLIPOP."

I LIKE THIS PIC SO MUCH, IT'S CURRENTLY OUR SCREEN SAVER.  WHEN SUE TOOK IT, I WAS INSPIRED TO SING.  THEN SOME JOKER INTERRUPTED MY GOLDEN MOMENT BY SAYING, "LET ME EDUCATE YOU, WHEN SHIRLEY TEMPLE SANG, 'THE GOOD SHIP LOLLIPOP,' SHE WAS REFERRING TO AN AIRPLANE."  EVEN THOUGH THIS SHOT MAKES ME THINK OF THAT MORON, I STILL LOVE IT.

On the morning of our last day in Bermuda, we took a longer ferry ride to the only other city, St. Georges. Whatever we were hoping to find, we didn't.  So we didn't stay long.

THIS CONTRAPTION IS CALLED A STOCK.  SO IF AN EARLY SETTLER DID SOME PETTY CRIME, THEIR PUNISHMENT MIGHT HAVE INCLUDED BEING LOCKED IN THE TOWN SQUARE SO "RIGHTEOUS" CITIZENS COULD MOCK THEM.  ERGO, THAT'S WHERE THE TERM; A LAUGHING STOCK, COMES FROM.

Later, Andrew and Amanda explored the shops, in the wharf next to the ship.  They were surprised to learn that an old, mutual friend wanted to have a meet-n-greet with them.


HE LIVES IN A PINEAPPLE UNDER THE SEA BUT COMES OUT OF THE WATER FOR SPECIAL FRIENDS.


On their photo safari, Andrew came across the only familar business we saw on the whole island, the Bone Fish Cafe. What surprised him more was the name of their exterior bar.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT ANDREW THOUGHT WAS SO FUNNY.  BUT HE DIDN'T BELIEVE ME WHEN I TRIED TO SCHOOL HIM THAT A BONER IS A MISTAKE.  LIKE IN BASEBALL, MERKEL'S BONER OF 1908.  FRED MERKLE'S BONER IS A NOTORIOUS BASERUNNING BLUNDER THAT LED TO ONE OF THE MOST CONTROVERSIAL GAMES IN MAJOR LEAGUE HISTORY.

The bigger mistake is thinking that the cruise would last forever.  At 5:PM, we were back at sea and almost immediately a depression settled in me because we were heading home. My melancholia worsened at dinner when I chipped a tooth.  Strike-four Norwegian!

We went to see the magician/comic that night.  He was so bad that within three jokes, he was mocking the audience because of our lack of response, (a trend that would continue throughout his act).  To his credit, I remembered the stand-up comedian from another cruise being pretty bad too.  But at least I was able to steal one line from him, "The Waffle House is so dirty, I once saw a cockroach vomiting there."

HIS JOKES WERE STALE AND HIS MAGIC WAS BORING.  FIFTEEN MINUTES INTO THE SHOW, I WAS HOPING HE WAS AT LEAST GOOD ENOUGH TO MAKE HIMSELF DISAPPEAR.

When things are going bad, it's easy to dwell on negativity.  Back at the room, I started to pick apart our ship's petty problems.  The most common was my difficulty flushing the toilet.  I guess I should have gotten a tutorial on the first day but I always figured I'd get the hang of it. Another annoyance was the sound, presumably of suitcases, sliding across the floor, in the space above my bed.  Everyone else said I was crazy...but they said I was even nuttier when I swore I heard the toilet water surging in the pipes over head too.  Strike-five Norwegian!

When we woke up for our last full day, the beautiful weather came to a grinding halt.  No one could blame Andrew and Amanda for succumbing to the rough seas.

NEITHER ANDREW OR AMANDA CARED WHEN I EXPLAINED THAT THE WORD; LIST, (THE TILT OF A SHIP) AND YAW (THE BACK AND FORTH SWING OF A SHIP IN HIGH WAVES) WEREN'T SYNONYMS.  BUT LUCKY FOR THEM, SUE PULLED DRAMAMINE (FOR SEA SICKNESS RELIEF),  OUT OF HER BAG OF TRICKS. THE KIDS FELT BETTER AND SALVAGED THE LATE AFTERNOON AND EVENING.

For our last dinner, we returned to the Manhattan Room.  I was glad everyone's appetite was back but Andrew was pretty direct when he said, "And we don't want to hear about words that describe the slant of the ship." 

Later, Andrew was reading the dessert menu and asked me, "How come you pronounce sher-bit as if it had an extra 'R?'"  I said, "Because that's the English pronounciation.  Everyone calls it sherbert."  He said, "Dad, you're wrong."  I said, "No, I'm not.  Sherbert is the English word for Sorbert, S-O-R-B-E-R-T which is French."  He laughed, "I'm reading them off the menu and neither one has a second 'R.'"  I said, "I don't have my glasses..."  Andrew interrupted, "Not having your glasses doesn't mean you aren't wrong."  Andrew flagged down the maitre'd and said, "Please help settle an argument.  Sherbet and sorbet are two different things and they are spelled correctly on the menu?"  The Peruviana smiled, "Yes, they are spelled correctly and they are two different things.  They might seem similar but sherbet contains milk or gelatin while sorbet is tart fruit ice." Andrew glared at me and said, "See pop, you're never too old to learn something."  I said, "I'll take the Italian ices at Ices Queen, (in Brooklyn) over either one.  And don't call me pop!"


IF THE ICES QUEEN FACTORY AND RETAIL STAND IS STILL OPEN AT 1633 UTICA AVENUE, MAKE MINE LEMON ON TOP AND CHOCOLATE ON THE BOTTOM.


Before we woke-up the next morning, the Norwegian Breakaway was already moored at their dock in Manhattan. While Sue packed, I brought her breakfast after doing some packing of my own, (my last ton of pineapple was as good as the first).

On our way out, a housekeeper from another section gave us his usual big, good morning greeting.  He didn't even work for us but he learned our names (everyone on our floor?).  Andrew was so taken by his sincere pleasantness that he wanted to take his picture.

THIS GENTLEMAN (AL) HAS THE HONOR OF BEING IN OUR LAST SNAPSHOT ON THE SHIP.

The anxiety of getting off the ship is a tedious game of hurry up and wait. An hour after starting, we "lugged" our luggage out into New York City's hubbub and it's infamous humid stickiness.  Our four frowning faces proceeded to the adjacent parking lot.  I didn't remember where I parked but I knew I was next to a green Buick.  Shockingly, the damnned Buick was gone but somehow I found our car.

The geniuses running the city do a bang-up job hiding the Lincoln Tunnel signs but luckily Sue remained awake and spotted it.  I can't say the same thing about anyone else.

I SHOULD HAVE WOKE THEM UP WHEN WE PASSED THE "WELCOME TO NEW JERSEY" SIGN...BUT I DIDN'T...ROTTEN KIDS !

Despite all the strikes against Norwegian, it's safe to say we all a tremendous vacation. So, let's show some tolerance and give the new ship the benefit of doubt as they iron-out their flaws on the fly.  If you're more the mercenary type, chalk that nonsense up to the unpatriotic vibe I gave off by leaving the country right before the Fourth of July.

ON THE BRIGHTER SIDE, NORWEGIAN WAS CLEVER ENOUGH TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE USA's 237th BIRTHDAY.

An hour after getting in our car, we re-united Amanda with her parents.  Her courteous folks prepared a wonderful welcome home spread for us.  It was so good...that there were no strikes on them! We told stories and laughed for three hours...which was exactly enough time for me to have two more pounds of pineapple.