EDELBLUM MYSTERY THEATRE

If you watch "LAW & ORDER" re-runs as often as I do--then you realize that the strength of a prosecutor's case rest on the following items: motive, opportunity and murder weapon.

In today's episode of "EDELBLUM MYSTERY THEATRE," you the viewer, get to weigh the evidence against the accused while playing judge, jury and if necessary--executioner.

My relationship, over the last six-plus years, with BOOB, my evil, classless and stupid next-door neighbor has been strained to say the least. Of course I don't want to say or do anything that might cause you to be biased against him but it should be noted that he's also *stupid, a control freak and may be of Austrian descent...yes, he has no basement...but, he DOES have an attic! And I bet, that attic is off-limits to his strange wife.

* I repeated "stupid" purposely because he's more than merely stupid--plus, I like calling him stupid.

The shenanigans in question occurred yesterday, the day I chose to get my sprinkler system up and running. Before getting to that task, I left the house to walk our dog (Roxy). Coincidentally, my neighbor BOOB was pulling debris out of a sprinkler head that lies side-by-side with one of mine. I don't want to further influence you negatively against this moron but I walk the dog the other way because he once said to Andrew (my son) that he'd kill the dog if it ever peed on his lawn.

Later yesterday afternoon, I turned on my water. I remembered that at the end of last season that my system was intact and in fine working condition.

The area away from BOOB's house is the first zone to get watered. One sprinkler head needed to be adjusted and then I noticed that the protective lid was cracked and was no longer attached to the unit. This undoubtedly happened from being driven on AND, on top of general wear and tear, it should be taken into account that it was an original (19+ years) piece of equipment.

I was satisfied that zone-one was up and running as zone-two (near BOOB) belched and farted as water ran through it for the first time. However, the stream coming from three of the four heads was weak, but non-existent from the one next to where BOOB was working...a mere ninety minutes earlier.

The protective lid on this (three year old) sprinkler was also detached but wasn't cracked. Inside, the actual mechanism had been broken into three parts. This evidence does NOT lend itself to being crushed by a car.

So I beseech you fine readers of MORE GLIB ThAN PROFOUND, does BOOB have enough of a motive to do such a dastardly deed...or is he just STUPID, stupid?

Did BOOB have opportunity...well he had the time it took to walk the dog. This becomes more plausible if you're a conspiracy theorist...because Bob could have been clocking my movements for months waiting for his chance to sabotage my sprinkler.

And of course, what about his weapon of mass destruction, well, he was clearly seen with the tools necessary to repair/adjust his own sprinkler problems. Which could have just as easily been used as the implements of doom to mine.

Or is it all a coincidence? Because if it isn't a coincidence how should I proceed against him. Considering I do not have corroborating witnesses and the evidence is purely circumstantial because, I didn't actually see him tampering with anything. Plus, I have been unmercilessly and unnecessarily MF'ed by this "gentleman" on several previous occasions and therefore would prefer to avoid a confrontation--especially if I'm wrong.

I value your input, please help me decide what to do.