THE GREAT WALL OF BOOB

The holiday season is right around the corner and no concept sums up this time of year better than the phrase, "GOOD WILL TOWARDS MAN." That is, unless you have a neighbor like my BOOB NEXT DOOR.

My Boob Next Door as you may recall from past columns is, the knuckleheaded "piney" who I share a property boundary with. (Please note, if you ever study a population density map of South Jersey, vast tracts of land are protected under the Pine Barrens Act. This protection maintains the environmental integrity of these lands and greatly restricts commercial development. Therefore, the few people who live in the pinelands are nicknamed: piney or pinies...which is like being called a Jersey hillbilly).

Primarily, what makes BOOB so intolerable is that he is a control freak. As you may recall, his "my way or no way" attitude was the final straw that ended our once friendly relationship. Some of his low-lights include: cursing me out when I put up a fence, (apparently a true piney doesn't like having the wilderness blocked off). Of course BOOB didn't apologize...or offer to chip for our shared section of fence when he put up his own fence when his kid was growing up.

Then there was the time he threatened to kill our dog Roxy if she ever peed on his lawn. Being the true weasel that he is, rather than spew his nonsense at an adult like me, Mr. Piney's ultimatum was aimed at my son Andrew.

My last conversation with him occurred while mowing my lawn in 2002. Andrew's 2nd grade class was preparing to do a patriotic play and I was singing their show-stopper, "I'M PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN." From in front of his house, BOOB caught eye contact with me and gestured that I shut-off my mower. He then rudely insisted that I stop cursing him out. When I told him that I was singing a Kenny Rogers song, his response was a profanity-laced tirade that insulted both Mr. Rogers and myself, and concluded with the punchline, "You can't fool me, I can read lips!"

Its easy to turn your back on that type of mentality. Since then we've had some minor scrapes but I'm certain that I am best served to simply ignore him. That was the case about three years ago when BOOB started gathering a thin pile of grass clippings, pine needles, acorns etc., exactly along a hidden five-foot line that divides our front yards.

The significance of his pile may have been a protest or out of spite or even an artistic endeavor. Either way, as much of an eye-sore that it was, it wasn't harming me and unless you were on top of it, you couldn't see it. However, each season the heap mysteriously got longer, wider and taller. By the beginning of last month, BOOB's great wall of weird resembled a dry version of a beaver dam. If he kept adding to it, at that pace, it'd be visible from the moon by 2012. Nevertheless, I wasn't going to burn-out my KISH-KIZ over this and continued to pay he and it no mind.


THE GREAT WALL OF CHINA IS THE ONLY MAN-MADE STRUCTURE ON EARTH THAT'S VISIBLE FROM OUTER SPACE...COULD BOOB'S PILE BE THE SECOND?

It was right around Thanksgiving that I mentioned to MSLEMMA that I am losing my patience with BOOB. He understood my dilemma and suggested calling GREENPEACE or praying for divine intervention. I wasn't swayed by his well-formed arguments and resolved to wait the moron out and remain mute.

About a week ago, we had a severe rain storm. I went outside to rake-up the leaves, broken branches etc and was shocked to see that BOOB or perhaps a supernatural power had neatly removed the NOT SO great wall.

The moral of the story is, in this holiday season when we share in the glory of "good will towards man" we should throw down our defensive gauntlet and accept our neighbors regardless of their shortcomings.

I might feel that way towards BOOB if I knew for certain that he indeed removed the pile and that it was in the vain of restoring friendship and peace to our little corner of the world. But I've seen enough UFO and conspiracy shows on the A & E NETWORK, and I can see the removal was too perfect for any piney to handle...plus I doubt MSLEMMA prayed for me...and more importantly, I know the work of aliens when I see it.

So season greetings to the Martians and HUMBUG to BOOB.

EDELBLUM MYSTERY THEATRE

If you watch "LAW & ORDER" re-runs as often as I do--then you realize that the strength of a prosecutor's case rest on the following items: motive, opportunity and murder weapon.

In today's episode of "EDELBLUM MYSTERY THEATRE," you the viewer, get to weigh the evidence against the accused while playing judge, jury and if necessary--executioner.

My relationship, over the last six-plus years, with BOOB, my evil, classless and stupid next-door neighbor has been strained to say the least. Of course I don't want to say or do anything that might cause you to be biased against him but it should be noted that he's also *stupid, a control freak and may be of Austrian descent...yes, he has no basement...but, he DOES have an attic! And I bet, that attic is off-limits to his strange wife.

* I repeated "stupid" purposely because he's more than merely stupid--plus, I like calling him stupid.

The shenanigans in question occurred yesterday, the day I chose to get my sprinkler system up and running. Before getting to that task, I left the house to walk our dog (Roxy). Coincidentally, my neighbor BOOB was pulling debris out of a sprinkler head that lies side-by-side with one of mine. I don't want to further influence you negatively against this moron but I walk the dog the other way because he once said to Andrew (my son) that he'd kill the dog if it ever peed on his lawn.

Later yesterday afternoon, I turned on my water. I remembered that at the end of last season that my system was intact and in fine working condition.

The area away from BOOB's house is the first zone to get watered. One sprinkler head needed to be adjusted and then I noticed that the protective lid was cracked and was no longer attached to the unit. This undoubtedly happened from being driven on AND, on top of general wear and tear, it should be taken into account that it was an original (19+ years) piece of equipment.

I was satisfied that zone-one was up and running as zone-two (near BOOB) belched and farted as water ran through it for the first time. However, the stream coming from three of the four heads was weak, but non-existent from the one next to where BOOB was working...a mere ninety minutes earlier.

The protective lid on this (three year old) sprinkler was also detached but wasn't cracked. Inside, the actual mechanism had been broken into three parts. This evidence does NOT lend itself to being crushed by a car.

So I beseech you fine readers of MORE GLIB ThAN PROFOUND, does BOOB have enough of a motive to do such a dastardly deed...or is he just STUPID, stupid?

Did BOOB have opportunity...well he had the time it took to walk the dog. This becomes more plausible if you're a conspiracy theorist...because Bob could have been clocking my movements for months waiting for his chance to sabotage my sprinkler.

And of course, what about his weapon of mass destruction, well, he was clearly seen with the tools necessary to repair/adjust his own sprinkler problems. Which could have just as easily been used as the implements of doom to mine.

Or is it all a coincidence? Because if it isn't a coincidence how should I proceed against him. Considering I do not have corroborating witnesses and the evidence is purely circumstantial because, I didn't actually see him tampering with anything. Plus, I have been unmercilessly and unnecessarily MF'ed by this "gentleman" on several previous occasions and therefore would prefer to avoid a confrontation--especially if I'm wrong.

I value your input, please help me decide what to do.

EDELBLUM MYSTERY THEATER

Remember the two and a half star movie from 1972 with Carol Burnett and Walter Matthau called, "PETE 'n' TILLIE?"

The film starts off as a comedy and ends up as a melodrama. Towards the beginning, one of the funny parts was, Walter Matthau getting annoyed by a neighbor's continuous gas mileage boasting. To thwart the bore, Matthau starts a campaign of siphoning this man's gas at night.
When the neighbor stops bragging, Matthau has to fight off the laughter when he asks, "So how's your gas mileage?"

I am hoping that something like that is what is happening to me.

At the end of January, we had a dusting of snow. It had been such a mild winter that my snow shovel was still in the shed. Our barn-style shed is in the furthest corner of our yard and is about a hundred feet from our Florida room. When I got to the shed, the double doors were improperly shut. The left door is equipped with two pegs on the inside that get set into holes (one in the floor and another on the top of the door jamb) that anchor it down and align it to the right door. Because the left door wasn't in place, the doors were shut but weren't closed enough to prevent small woodland creatures from getting in.

I looked inside and didn't find any unwanted furry guests or anything out of place. I shut the door properly and made a mental note to discuss this with Andrew because he doesn't always shut the door the right way...but I forgot.

Last week I let the dog out back and noticed that the doors to the shed weren't laying flush. I investigated and found that the doors had again been opened and improperly closed. I made a closer examination inside and was convinced that none of our crap seemed moved or tampered with and I concluded that NO ONE (SUCH AS A HOMELESS PERSON) WAS HOPPING OUR FENCE , BREAKING INTO THE SHED AND SLEEPING THERE ! (It should also be noted, that unless you were taking something big out or putting something big in, there is no reason to open the left door).

I thought this was odd, because at this time of year, there really isn't any reason for any of us to be using the shed. In any event I asked both Andrew and Sue, and neither of them had opened it for months. So, being the pro-active Sherlock Holmes-type that I am, in addition to closing the doors, this time I locked them too.

The day before Andrew's Bar Mitzvah with so much to do and so little time, I made the mistake of looking at the shed. From the distance, it was hard to tell whether the doors were shut or not. I took the dog for protection, (you may recall that when Roxy sees someone getting attacked, she doesn't attack the assailant, she attacks the victim). Anyway to my surprise, if not horror, the doors were pulled out of their mooring but remained locked. I opened the doors, checked inside and re-locked the door. I even pulled with all my might and I'm telling you, those doors WON'T budge.

I'm NOT testing you, this isn't a riddle, a joke or a puzzle...this is real. I've ruled out an alien presence although the Sci-Fi Network had a two-hour documentary about something oddly similar occurring at the shed outside the Sphinx in 1937. But in that case, all the sand around the Sphinx was displaced and re-shaped in the Sci-Fi Network's logo.

I'm hoping its just a Pre-April Fools Day prank by my strange neighbor. I'm sure he's not clever enough to pull it but you may recall that he has built a twig facsimile of the the Great Wall of China between our properties, (its still there if you want to check it out). Also, because of our crazy hours, he'd never know when would it be safe for him to do it.

In any case, if this mystery persists, I'll have to get surveillance cameras put in, other than that...you guys have any suggestions?