THE LONE RANGER AND TONTO RE-UNITED...

For one of our long car rides, my son Andrew and I got a CD of 50 old TV theme songs from the library. The songs went chronologically backwards and coincidentally, my favorite was saved for last. From the first chord of the music, a lump formed in my throat and a tear came to my eye as I flashed back to yesteryear and recalled, "THE LONE RANGER" show.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hxIuIxqo2So : An excerpt from the Lone Ranger Theme.

I tried to explain to Andrew how significant the show was to my youth. He looked at me like I was crazy. Then I told him that during the opening theme (click on the hyperlink above), that I sat on the arm of my parent's sofa and "rode" it, like a horse. To complete these festivities, I wore a red cowboy and shot my plastic, faux-pearl handled six-shooter, (cap-less cap gun...hey, when it came to restricting unnecessary noise, my mother was tyrant).

The "Lone Ranger" was an old-time radio program that originated in 1933. On TV, it ran for nine seasons (1949-1957). It was such an oldie that it was already in re-runs when I started watching it circa 1959. During the run of the show, different actors played the lead roles but I only remember Clayton Moore as the Lone Ranger and Jay Silverheels as Tonto.

NO ITS NOT THE "VILLAGE PEOPLE," IT'S CLAYTON MOORE (left) AND JAY SILVERHEELS (right) AS THE LONE RANGER AND TONTO.

Its curious to me that such a high-quality item like this hasn't (to my knowledge) been shown in syndication for decades. I understand that by today's standards, the show would be dated, simple and corny but I guarantee even with my limited expertise in demographics that there is a retro-cable station out there that can profit by airing it.

I am certain of this because I remember the show's effect on me. Back in my kindergarten years, the show was fresh, dynamic and sophisticated. I admit that I loved the thrilling adventures of each episode but the true aphrodisiac was the opening song.

Listen and watch the theme again, (it's only 25 seconds). You'll notice that it has cleverly intertwined the "WILLIAM TELL OVERTURE" in the background with narration and an action video. As a kid, just hearing the phrase, "A fiery horse with the speed of light, a cloud of dust and a hearty hi-yo Silver, away...the Lone Ranger," set me into a frenzy. One time I got so excited, I fell off my horse. Despite my mom's warnings to; "Simmer down." I'd still get fired-up watching the Lone Ranger race his stallion Silver across the prairie, charge up a dusty hill and end-up with his trusty horse victoriously rearing-up to climax my rush.

When something so obvious as showing classics like this doesn't happen, I look for alternatives. If they can't bring the "Lone Ranger" back from the dead on TV...I say redo the whole enchilada into a contemporary movie. My million dollar concept would be called, "THE LONE RANGER AND TONTO...RE-UNITED ON BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN."

I'd like to cast Heath Ledger in the starring role. But instead of Jake Gyllenhaal being Tonto, we should hire Charles Nelson Riley, (who...to be politically correct is one-eighth Comanche).

I envision "THE LONE RANGER AND TONTO RE-UNITED ON BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN" beginning with the heroes clowning around in their rustic camp-site on Brokeback Mountain. The Lone Ranger jokes with Tonto after being taught how to seek-up behind "bad-guys" while wearing cowboy boots. But Tonto seems uncharacteristically pre-occupied. The Native American is irritable and doesn't appreciate the Ranger's laissez-faire attitude concerning what Tonto refers to as; network TV's invasion of their home.

The Lone Ranger says, "You shouldn't sweat-out the last minute details. Chill-out, don't worry, everything is going to be perfect." Tonto says, "Its not that." The Ranger says, "Then tell me what's what...because you're acting queer and its creeping me out." Tonto says, "I thought we agreed to live as one with nature...now all you want to do is sell-out our lifestyle for a few measly bucks." The Lone Ranger begins to hum show tunes and the bosom buddies peer-off in different directions.

TONTO'S ANXIETY OVER THE HGTV NETWORK'S VISIT HAS HIM CONSIDERING RETIREMENT FROM CRIME FIGHTING.

That night, the dynamic duo were unable to sort out their squabble. At the crack of dawn, the HGTV film crew shows-up. The Lone Ranger takes the producer and director aside and encourages them to find ways to directly compliment Tonto's decorating skills. The ever-cagey Tonto eavesdrops on part of the conversation and hears the producer say, "There is nothing more dreadful that imagination without taste..." Tonto is in a tizzy and slithers away without hearing the rest of the statement, "Your friend does not need empty praise...his taste transcends genius!"

During the interview portion of the taping, the host says to Tonto,"What a relaxing environment to come back to after a hostile day out on the trail. The stream running through your den is a Zen-like wonder." Yawning Tonto merely grunts. The host then added, "Your coordinated rock garden and visceral expression of life's depth is symbolized powerfully. I love the juxtaposition of the Hopi-ish hereafter mural painted on your tent...against simplistic ornamentation of the post, neo-Apache pottery."

Later while the film crew is packing up, the Lone Ranger is approached by the gaffer, boom-operator and the best-boy. They want information about the bars in town. The Lone Ranger says, "Tonto and I have invented a new drink and you can only get it at the Tool Box Tavern." The best-boy asked, "What is the drink called?" The Ranger says with pride, "A 'Sissy-Mary.'" "What's in it?" asked the boom-operator. "Its a concoction similar to a Margarita with a combination of tequila, lemonade, Tonto's secret recipe of indigenous roots and berries...served in a frosted, salt encrusted glass." The gaffer said, "Sounds scrumptious...I love pink lemonade..." The Lone Ranger cuts him off, "We don't use pink lemonade...remember its a SISSY-Mary!" Everyone laughed. The Lone Ranger then said, "C'mon, I'll take you down to the Tool-Box...and after one Sissy-Mary, you'll never drink another Mimosa, Appletini, or Pink Lady again."

While the group discusses travel arrangements, an angry Tonto appears from behind a giant rock. In a fit of insecurity and jealousy, he runs behind a Joshua Tree and unearths his buried stash of of spiritual remedies. He is seen weeping as he staggers into the wilderness and mounts a stray Pinto pony.

In the Tool Box Tavern, the Lone Ranger learns that his Sissy-Mary machine has been stolen. Unaware of Tonto's role in the thievery, he is afraid with his patent pending, that someone will try to sell the machine and create their own knock-off recipe.

THE RAMROD BAR WAS WHERE THE LONE RANGER AND TONTO FIRST MET.

Playing on Tonto's sense of nostalgia, the masked lawman's detective skills take him to the Ramrod Bar. Even though his faithful companion was not there...he made good use of his time and traded the bandanna from his back pocket for a glittery purple mask.

THE "FORT DIX" MILITARY-THEMED BAR WAS NOT TONTO'S CUP OF TEA. HE ABHORRED BONDAGE AND RARELY LIKED BEING DISCIPLINED.

The Lone Ranger got lucky at the Fort Dix Bar. A man with Groucho mask with a fake nose, glasses and mustache had been there trying to sell the Sissy-Mary machine. But the bartender, a loyal friend of the crime fighting team, thought it best to err on the side of caution and didn't buy it.
THE ANVIL PUB CATERED TO A LIMITED CLIENTELE...DISGRUNTLED PONY EXPRESS EMPLOYEES.

At the Anvil Pub the Lone Ranger hoped to catch-up with Tonto. While on stake-out, together with some hired hands from the K-Y Ranch, he stuffed Sacajawea dollars (those coins were a birthday gift from Tonto) into a rookie "pole-dancer's" G-string. Later at the main entrance, he noticed his partner, disguised as a construction worker...with the Sissy-Mary machine tucked under his arm, come in. The two crime-fighters begin a vicious cat-fight, a bitter argument ensues. Then there's a moment of serenity...they reconcile. As they walk out, the young pole-dancer counts out the Lone Ranger's generous tips and says to the more experienced dancer, "Who was that masked man?" The older dancer answered, "Dearie, that was the Lone Ranger."

The Lone Ranger said, "To show you where my heart is, let's use the HGTV's payoff for a fun casino weekend in Las Vegas New Mexico, at Caesar's Phallus." The rest of Tonto's ire melted as he cooed, "Kimosabe."

Double-mounted atop Silver, they mosey out into the sunset. On the outskirts of town the Lone Ranger squeals, "Hi-yo Silver away." And the trusty stallion races the men across the prairie as the "William Tell Overture" increases in volume.

To the tune, "CLIMB EVERY MOUNTAIN" from the "SOUND OF MUSIC," they cross railroad tracks and charge up the dusty trail that leads home. At the highest peak, the horse rears-up triumphantly. In the background, the bullet train zooms into the Brokeback Mountain Tunnel. Fade to black.

Now that's a movie that needs to be made!